-graduate
-get into colleges
-scholarships
-pass calc AP and music theory AP
-have a successful multi performance
-BOTT >=]
-FYC intern
-Berklee 5 week summer program
-youtube myself
-dont break camera
-rearrange room
-learn how to cook x.x
-wash dishes [haha]
-help clean house at least once a week
-exercise at least 15 min a day
-eat fruits/veg more
-soda once a month
-more sleep
-help people
-stop procrastinating
-have at least $1000 in bank account
-keep track of expenses
o.o
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
if you really loved me
today i was looking through the file cabinets...
u know, those ones that i keep all our memories in
the ones where i keep my thoughts of you
and i realized.. theres been a lack this last year.
do u still love me like u say u do?
or am i just that one girl.
whos a friend.
because,
if i am.. STOP telling me u love me.
i want u to love me and all...
but it hurts..
knowing that ud say it..
and now show it.
i know u cant do all this and give me gifts or take me out..
that doesnt matter.
at least spend TIME with me.
or.. wen we ARE hanging out together.
make it like u want to be there.
if u really loved me.
or at least txt me every now and then.
to say hi.
i was reading our love notes.
u know those ones we wrote when i was with him,
but i really wanted to be with u..
and i realized... thats wen it started.
the drift.
the separation.
it was my fault.
but that was wen u really loved me
when u wrote all those things
and we spent TIME together.
and we LOVED each other.
or at least we were in love in our eyes.
why is it different?
how come i cant say u really love me.
u know..
i love u.
i care for u SO MUCH.
.
it hurts wen i want to hang out.
u just want to leave.
it hurts to ask for a hug..
and have u say no.. and stall
or.. just dont..
just because.
it hurts looking at u,
and KNOWING.. ur not mine
and i cant just go up to u and hug u.
or kiss u.
or fall into ur arms...
it hurts wen i txt u..
and u dont txt back
it hurts knowing...u have to CHOOSE..
like this is all a stupid multiple choice question.
and im just an answer u COULD choose.
it hurts having that thought it my mind..
that u agree with what she said..
'i dont want to have a bf/gf because.. what if the perfect person walks into ur life'
IM RIGHT HERE.
..
but i guess not.
not anymore..
u make me believe i am.
how can u still have my heart.
how can i still love u.
if u really loved me..
i wouldnt hurt THIS much.
if u really loved me,
u wouldnt just go for 'it'
ud relax.
because it wouldnt -love-, would it?
u know i used to be at this point.. where..
i COULDNT love anyone else.
or i couldnt be with or go after someone else.
because i only wanted YOU
i only thought i needed you
because i thought u loved me JUST as MUCH as i did.
but i was wrong.
im still suffering from it.
because of u.
i am afraid.
im scared of loving someone else,
because i might hurt them.
because i still love you.
im scared of loving someone else,
because what if u start loving me like i love u
id lose you.
im scared of loving someone else,
because u might get hurt...
but i WANT to.
so bad.
its not funny.
i WANT to get over u.
because.. u want me to.
but i CANT.
its not FAIR.
ur too... ugh
my thoughts are too intertwined with YOU...
its... as of right now impossible.
and... i dont want to hurt someone..
i dont wanna hurt whoever i might like ...
because of u..
i dont wanna make it seem like hed be a rebound..
or... someone to just use to get over u.
i dont want that.
but i want someone else.
I SAID IT.
i dont want to love you like this anymore.
ill still be here for you, i swear.
ill still care for u.
ill still wear ur dogtag.
but i dont wanna love you anymore.
i just wanna get over u.
because it makes no sense to love someone..
when they really dont love you.
u know, those ones that i keep all our memories in
the ones where i keep my thoughts of you
and i realized.. theres been a lack this last year.
do u still love me like u say u do?
or am i just that one girl.
whos a friend.
because,
if i am.. STOP telling me u love me.
i want u to love me and all...
but it hurts..
knowing that ud say it..
and now show it.
i know u cant do all this and give me gifts or take me out..
that doesnt matter.
at least spend TIME with me.
or.. wen we ARE hanging out together.
make it like u want to be there.
if u really loved me.
or at least txt me every now and then.
to say hi.
i was reading our love notes.
u know those ones we wrote when i was with him,
but i really wanted to be with u..
and i realized... thats wen it started.
the drift.
the separation.
it was my fault.
but that was wen u really loved me
when u wrote all those things
and we spent TIME together.
and we LOVED each other.
or at least we were in love in our eyes.
why is it different?
how come i cant say u really love me.
u know..
i love u.
i care for u SO MUCH.
.
it hurts wen i want to hang out.
u just want to leave.
it hurts to ask for a hug..
and have u say no.. and stall
or.. just dont..
just because.
it hurts looking at u,
and KNOWING.. ur not mine
and i cant just go up to u and hug u.
or kiss u.
or fall into ur arms...
it hurts wen i txt u..
and u dont txt back
it hurts knowing...u have to CHOOSE..
like this is all a stupid multiple choice question.
and im just an answer u COULD choose.
it hurts having that thought it my mind..
that u agree with what she said..
'i dont want to have a bf/gf because.. what if the perfect person walks into ur life'
IM RIGHT HERE.
..
but i guess not.
not anymore..
u make me believe i am.
how can u still have my heart.
how can i still love u.
if u really loved me..
i wouldnt hurt THIS much.
if u really loved me,
u wouldnt just go for 'it'
ud relax.
because it wouldnt -love-, would it?
u know i used to be at this point.. where..
i COULDNT love anyone else.
or i couldnt be with or go after someone else.
because i only wanted YOU
i only thought i needed you
because i thought u loved me JUST as MUCH as i did.
but i was wrong.
im still suffering from it.
because of u.
i am afraid.
im scared of loving someone else,
because i might hurt them.
because i still love you.
im scared of loving someone else,
because what if u start loving me like i love u
id lose you.
im scared of loving someone else,
because u might get hurt...
but i WANT to.
so bad.
its not funny.
i WANT to get over u.
because.. u want me to.
but i CANT.
its not FAIR.
ur too... ugh
my thoughts are too intertwined with YOU...
its... as of right now impossible.
and... i dont want to hurt someone..
i dont wanna hurt whoever i might like ...
because of u..
i dont wanna make it seem like hed be a rebound..
or... someone to just use to get over u.
i dont want that.
but i want someone else.
I SAID IT.
i dont want to love you like this anymore.
ill still be here for you, i swear.
ill still care for u.
ill still wear ur dogtag.
but i dont wanna love you anymore.
i just wanna get over u.
because it makes no sense to love someone..
when they really dont love you.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas.
YOU didnt even say thank you.
what kind of father ARE you.
i blew almost $20 on u..
maybe i shouldnt have gotten u anything.
i shouldve just let mom..
no i shouldve just told her to NOT get u anything.
watever.
see.
i came up to u and u didnt even say Merry Christmas.
and wen i gave it to u u didnt say thank u.
u looked thru it.
asked me if it was wat it was..
put in the box..
and watched the TV again.
...
i walked away crying.
I GOT U SOMETHING.
arent u gonna say thank you at least.
i KNEW u didnt get me anything.
u never think of me.
maybe mom SHOULD divorce u.
id rather not see you.
thats wat i want for Christmas.
less on electricity bill.
less food to cook
less mess to clean.
less TEARS that roll down my face and MY moms.
u know..
thank you dad... -.-
for showing me u cant even be a good role model.
for showing me how stupid men can be.
how selfish and messed up they can be..
id never marry ANYONE like u.
ur horrible.
why did YOU have to be my dad...
all i wanted this yr... was a THANK YOU from u.
i didnt ask for anything.
because i knew i was gonna get hurt.
id be content with the words ..thank you coming from ur mouth.
or ... at least a minutes worth of decent conversation.
or a hug.
a GOD DAMN HUG.
..
thank you mom.
ur the strongest person ive ever met.
but ur still working and its Christmas
i guess.... u gave up..
i didnt want this $100 dollars.
i want u to take a FULL day off..
because its Christmas.
im gonna go back to sleep.
i hope i wake up tmrw..
i dont wanna live thru today.
what kind of father ARE you.
i blew almost $20 on u..
maybe i shouldnt have gotten u anything.
i shouldve just let mom..
no i shouldve just told her to NOT get u anything.
watever.
see.
i came up to u and u didnt even say Merry Christmas.
and wen i gave it to u u didnt say thank u.
u looked thru it.
asked me if it was wat it was..
put in the box..
and watched the TV again.
...
i walked away crying.
I GOT U SOMETHING.
arent u gonna say thank you at least.
i KNEW u didnt get me anything.
u never think of me.
maybe mom SHOULD divorce u.
id rather not see you.
thats wat i want for Christmas.
less on electricity bill.
less food to cook
less mess to clean.
less TEARS that roll down my face and MY moms.
u know..
thank you dad... -.-
for showing me u cant even be a good role model.
for showing me how stupid men can be.
how selfish and messed up they can be..
id never marry ANYONE like u.
ur horrible.
why did YOU have to be my dad...
all i wanted this yr... was a THANK YOU from u.
i didnt ask for anything.
because i knew i was gonna get hurt.
id be content with the words ..thank you coming from ur mouth.
or ... at least a minutes worth of decent conversation.
or a hug.
a GOD DAMN HUG.
..
thank you mom.
ur the strongest person ive ever met.
but ur still working and its Christmas
i guess.... u gave up..
i didnt want this $100 dollars.
i want u to take a FULL day off..
because its Christmas.
im gonna go back to sleep.
i hope i wake up tmrw..
i dont wanna live thru today.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
wat i REALLY want for christmas.
my dad.. to realize im alive.
my mom to understand that im her CHILD, not her client
my little brother to know hes my LITTLE brother
..
i wanna learn how to drive.
thatd be the best present ever.
someone teaching me.
or maybe even...
be able to see... for maybe an hour.
5 minutes.
without these...
..
i just want you to be happy.
i dont need you to love me..
itd be nice tho.
..
i want that mouse to...die.
..
i want all my fears to be vacuumed out of my system
so i can be set free from this... menacing pain of.. FEAR.
the slightest noise makes me twitch.
i cant even SHOWER without knowing someone is in the room next to me
im traumatized by the fact that something might scare me..
i dont care if i die,
i just dont want to be scared/surprised.
im going crazy because of this STUPID fear of.. fear.
....
i want all of this college crap DONE with.
..
i dont like how this family works.
we're all split.
grandma + aunt in hospital
grandpa + aunt/uncle at their house
everyone else [besides us and an older bro] in San Diege
me, ron mom and manong ryan.. home
dad at work
wat a wonderful christmas eve.
.
great day tmrw.
i wont have anything i want.
i probably wont even get anything.
yea i know its not wat u get.
but im giving it all,
i should at least get...
something.
like...a hug.
at least. this yr.
my mom to understand that im her CHILD, not her client
my little brother to know hes my LITTLE brother
..
i wanna learn how to drive.
thatd be the best present ever.
someone teaching me.
or maybe even...
be able to see... for maybe an hour.
5 minutes.
without these...
..
i just want you to be happy.
i dont need you to love me..
itd be nice tho.
..
i want that mouse to...die.
..
i want all my fears to be vacuumed out of my system
so i can be set free from this... menacing pain of.. FEAR.
the slightest noise makes me twitch.
i cant even SHOWER without knowing someone is in the room next to me
im traumatized by the fact that something might scare me..
i dont care if i die,
i just dont want to be scared/surprised.
im going crazy because of this STUPID fear of.. fear.
....
i want all of this college crap DONE with.
..
i dont like how this family works.
we're all split.
grandma + aunt in hospital
grandpa + aunt/uncle at their house
everyone else [besides us and an older bro] in San Diege
me, ron mom and manong ryan.. home
dad at work
wat a wonderful christmas eve.
.
great day tmrw.
i wont have anything i want.
i probably wont even get anything.
yea i know its not wat u get.
but im giving it all,
i should at least get...
something.
like...a hug.
at least. this yr.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
im sorry
im sorry im not a good friend.
i wanna be there for u..
but i cant.
i wanna help u..
but it seems like im not able to.
i want to make everything better
i want to turn back time and... make shure he didnt die
i want to make ur life better...
i dont want u to suffer anymore.
i dont like seeing u like this..
or right now hearing u go thru all of this.
i just want to take u in and care for u.
id do it.
i swear...
[... if only i could..]
i want to show u how much i love and care for u.
i wanna let u know that there are ppl in the world that DO care.
ppl that dont want all this BULL.. to happen to u.
the BS that isnt supposed to happen to a wonderful person like u.
u dont deserve it.
i wanna hear u say ur not giving up.
i dont wanna hear u say u dont care anymore.
i want u to be happy.
...
i wanna know wat happened
i wish i was a better friend.
im not good in these type of situations.
i dunno wat to do to help.
..
u know wat i wouldve done tho?
i wouldve 'drove' [if only..] to u.
i wouldve dropped everything i was doing and id RUN to u.
or... make my way to u as fast as i could..
then id give u the biggest hug ever and..
tell u to talk to me.
tell u to tell me everything.
all of it.
so that u wouldnt cry anymore.
so u want feel anymore pain.
then... id try to help.
and if i couldnt..
id try at least to make u feel better.
i hate hearing u cry.
it makes me cry too..
but i dont mind if u cry to me.
i know u trust me.
i miss u.
..
so yea,
im sorry i couldnt do anything.
ill call u tmrw,
and see if ur ok.
i tried calling u earlier [again] but u never picked up.
which scared me..
alot.
but i just hope ur ok.
and safe.
and sleeping.
and dreaming.
..with food in ur stomach.
=/
ill call and ask if ur alright.
and ask wat happened if u still wanna talk about it.
and maybe ill ask u to come by later.
i know ud probly want something to eat maybe yes?
hm..
i hope u answer kira.
im worried.
i wanna be there for u..
but i cant.
i wanna help u..
but it seems like im not able to.
i want to make everything better
i want to turn back time and... make shure he didnt die
i want to make ur life better...
i dont want u to suffer anymore.
i dont like seeing u like this..
or right now hearing u go thru all of this.
i just want to take u in and care for u.
id do it.
i swear...
[... if only i could..]
i want to show u how much i love and care for u.
i wanna let u know that there are ppl in the world that DO care.
ppl that dont want all this BULL.. to happen to u.
the BS that isnt supposed to happen to a wonderful person like u.
u dont deserve it.
i wanna hear u say ur not giving up.
i dont wanna hear u say u dont care anymore.
i want u to be happy.
...
i wanna know wat happened
i wish i was a better friend.
im not good in these type of situations.
i dunno wat to do to help.
..
u know wat i wouldve done tho?
i wouldve 'drove' [if only..] to u.
i wouldve dropped everything i was doing and id RUN to u.
or... make my way to u as fast as i could..
then id give u the biggest hug ever and..
tell u to talk to me.
tell u to tell me everything.
all of it.
so that u wouldnt cry anymore.
so u want feel anymore pain.
then... id try to help.
and if i couldnt..
id try at least to make u feel better.
i hate hearing u cry.
it makes me cry too..
but i dont mind if u cry to me.
i know u trust me.
i miss u.
..
so yea,
im sorry i couldnt do anything.
ill call u tmrw,
and see if ur ok.
i tried calling u earlier [again] but u never picked up.
which scared me..
alot.
but i just hope ur ok.
and safe.
and sleeping.
and dreaming.
..with food in ur stomach.
=/
ill call and ask if ur alright.
and ask wat happened if u still wanna talk about it.
and maybe ill ask u to come by later.
i know ud probly want something to eat maybe yes?
hm..
i hope u answer kira.
im worried.
Monday, December 21, 2009
good night [=
first off i would like to say thank you.
thank you for BEING THERE.
when no one else is.
because ur the type of person who WOULD be there for mostly everyone.. o.o -ish
thank you for making me smile and laugh
when i dont really... ehh.. lol
cuz u make alota ppl smile and laugh.
ur yourself like that.
bwahha [if that makes any sense at all]
thank you for being crazy
because everyone doesnt really see the importance of youth anymore
you crazy asian ><
thank you for being nice to me.
times a million infinity plus 2
thank you for those long night on the phone
for helping me stay up wen i needed to [or trying to lol]
for talking to me wen BLAH stuff happened
for forcing me to do my hw sometimes [like i do to u >=D]
for [lol] letting me listen to u sleep
[whether u know it or not] it helps me sleep better. [random i know right?]
thank you for being YOU.
so id like to write about you;
i think it was near the middle-ish of freshman yr eh?
wen we kinda got to know each other.
i guess u could say around now.
wen we always used to talk on AIM
[omg, that was wen i used my dinosaur computer.] lol
blahblah
u dont remember,
but i clearly[ish] do...
wen i was crying and stuff and u walked around the english buildings with me.
.. hm...
and then i owed u todai for the play musical thing.
random dancing with random girls and AJ.
lol. and u sang Lemonade! [=
i cant believe that was freshman yr,
both hella long ago... but it really kinda wasnt.
...
sophomore yr.. my first powderpuff lol. u had fun tho. this was wen tammy and linda came! i didnt really remember that but wen i was looking thru the pictures i saw them. >< uhm.. not too much to say about sophomore yr except ive been trying to forget most of it. cuz UKNOW. and UKNOW.... soo... UKNOW. thanks for sticking up for me. i mightve deserved it... but i couldnt believe it still... hm... but i still kinda dont understand why hes likes number one most hated ever on ur list wen he hasnt done anything [directly] to you. but still, i thank you for sticking up for me.. and being there for me. Lol... well i remember sadies [that day.. we... 'broke up'] and i was there after school by myself and i found u and harp. and we snuck into the dance place before it started and took those random pics with the faceless ppl things XD it cheered me up. U and harp and justin and ATEH lorraine. helped me that day. thanks [= u guys are wonderful. 
THEN there was junior year. oh the confusion of Ericsson [Sp?] .. and i had a class with you this yr. our grp of four in Currans and Adan with Burt. U did kasama this yr :D cuz of me. hehehe, if i could recall it correctly twas u and Christy and me and ateh :D nice grp. ahaha. this year was the year me and liana and rochelle decided to combine bday parties. Lol i remember that crazy afternoon. gah.. wata rush. dude i hella got bruised that day.. stupid chair and ppl chasing me w/ cake. lol. i think this yr got us super close, because of all i guess u can say spirit week. then my birthday at FYC :D [thank you] and then Eastridge the next afternoon for stuff for halloween and superhero day. SailorMoon and Tuxedo Mask >=] hardcore cat... headbands from Daiso. bwahaha. and nice Ninja running across the street?? and then the packed Party City. D= gah, too bad it didnt happen again this yr XD.. gah, this yr was worryworryworry KASAMA. =/ hm.. physics OMG. im glad that stuff is over and done with. its fun to watch the other ppl go thru it [cant wait til roller coaster comes around this yr!] and i THINK the phone calls started here. but i really have no idea.... =o well sir, this was also the yr.. i admitted to.. liking u. and all these other things and BLAH. and it didnt really work cuz.. .of ..THATguy. and stuff. but im ok with it, cuz im glad we're still friends really close friends too. even tho we dont hang out ALOT, i find it to be juuuuuust right. and im happy with it [= ... badminton :D gah... and coach sang, but we kinda barely there-ish. hmm.. and this was the yr we watched some of our closest friends walk the stage. =/ i miss them.
AND NOW... we're seniors. all those yrs, and now its our final one. [then college D=] not too much to say except all those thank yous. oh! thank you for supporting me. Thru everything, [and im glad i was there to help you =P and i AM NOT corny. jerk... lol, superawesome great job in the play, if u get a bit better with memorizing lines AND feeling good about urself after then u can find a job in acting >=] ..make shure they dont involve dancing or clapping tho, BUT that dance for the old christmas party scene was cute :D ..hm, rides home and college apps, kasama, drama and powderpuff..drama. x.x and coco w/o coco and supreme court and family x.x everything. i guess u can say that this right here can totally be in ur birthday card or... yearbook... or graduation gift. but.. NAHHHH. its here, right now. so Enjoy. I'll think of something 10million times better for the other stuff. [= and now maybe ill try to go to sleep.
[i have no idea what u want for ur birthday tho, but i wanna make it super extra special... cuz its ull be 18!...]
ill sleep on it... XD
night!
thank you for BEING THERE.
when no one else is.
because ur the type of person who WOULD be there for mostly everyone.. o.o -ish
thank you for making me smile and laugh
when i dont really... ehh.. lol
cuz u make alota ppl smile and laugh.
ur yourself like that.
bwahha [if that makes any sense at all]
thank you for being crazy
because everyone doesnt really see the importance of youth anymore
you crazy asian ><
thank you for being nice to me.
times a million infinity plus 2
thank you for those long night on the phone
for helping me stay up wen i needed to [or trying to lol]
for talking to me wen BLAH stuff happened
for forcing me to do my hw sometimes [like i do to u >=D]
for [lol] letting me listen to u sleep
[whether u know it or not] it helps me sleep better. [random i know right?]
thank you for being YOU.
so id like to write about you;
i think it was near the middle-ish of freshman yr eh?
wen we kinda got to know each other.
i guess u could say around now.
wen we always used to talk on AIM
[omg, that was wen i used my dinosaur computer.] lol
blahblah
u dont remember,
but i clearly[ish] do...
wen i was crying and stuff and u walked around the english buildings with me.
.. hm...
and then i owed u todai for the play musical thing.
random dancing with random girls and AJ.
lol. and u sang Lemonade! [=
i cant believe that was freshman yr,
both hella long ago... but it really kinda wasnt.
...
sophomore yr.. my first powderpuff lol. u had fun tho. this was wen tammy and linda came! i didnt really remember that but wen i was looking thru the pictures i saw them. >< uhm.. not too much to say about sophomore yr except ive been trying to forget most of it. cuz UKNOW. and UKNOW.... soo... UKNOW. thanks for sticking up for me. i mightve deserved it... but i couldnt believe it still... hm... but i still kinda dont understand why hes likes number one most hated ever on ur list wen he hasnt done anything [directly] to you. but still, i thank you for sticking up for me.. and being there for me. Lol... well i remember sadies [that day.. we... 'broke up'] and i was there after school by myself and i found u and harp. and we snuck into the dance place before it started and took those random pics with the faceless ppl things XD it cheered me up. U and harp and justin and ATEH lorraine. helped me that day. thanks [= u guys are wonderful. 
THEN there was junior year. oh the confusion of Ericsson [Sp?] .. and i had a class with you this yr. our grp of four in Currans and Adan with Burt. U did kasama this yr :D cuz of me. hehehe, if i could recall it correctly twas u and Christy and me and ateh :D nice grp. ahaha. this year was the year me and liana and rochelle decided to combine bday parties. Lol i remember that crazy afternoon. gah.. wata rush. dude i hella got bruised that day.. stupid chair and ppl chasing me w/ cake. lol. i think this yr got us super close, because of all i guess u can say spirit week. then my birthday at FYC :D [thank you] and then Eastridge the next afternoon for stuff for halloween and superhero day. SailorMoon and Tuxedo Mask >=] hardcore cat... headbands from Daiso. bwahaha. and nice Ninja running across the street?? and then the packed Party City. D= gah, too bad it didnt happen again this yr XD.. gah, this yr was worryworryworry KASAMA. =/ hm.. physics OMG. im glad that stuff is over and done with. its fun to watch the other ppl go thru it [cant wait til roller coaster comes around this yr!] and i THINK the phone calls started here. but i really have no idea.... =o well sir, this was also the yr.. i admitted to.. liking u. and all these other things and BLAH. and it didnt really work cuz.. .of ..THATguy. and stuff. but im ok with it, cuz im glad we're still friends really close friends too. even tho we dont hang out ALOT, i find it to be juuuuuust right. and im happy with it [= ... badminton :D gah... and coach sang, but we kinda barely there-ish. hmm.. and this was the yr we watched some of our closest friends walk the stage. =/ i miss them.
AND NOW... we're seniors. all those yrs, and now its our final one. [then college D=] not too much to say except all those thank yous. oh! thank you for supporting me. Thru everything, [and im glad i was there to help you =P and i AM NOT corny. jerk... lol, superawesome great job in the play, if u get a bit better with memorizing lines AND feeling good about urself after then u can find a job in acting >=] ..make shure they dont involve dancing or clapping tho, BUT that dance for the old christmas party scene was cute :D ..hm, rides home and college apps, kasama, drama and powderpuff..drama. x.x and coco w/o coco and supreme court and family x.x everything. i guess u can say that this right here can totally be in ur birthday card or... yearbook... or graduation gift. but.. NAHHHH. its here, right now. so Enjoy. I'll think of something 10million times better for the other stuff. [= and now maybe ill try to go to sleep.
[i have no idea what u want for ur birthday tho, but i wanna make it super extra special... cuz its ull be 18!...]
ill sleep on it... XD
night!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
i finished reading them, except ONE.
And that.. ONE, id only read if i KNOW i want to cry =/ it was the one u gave me or was supposed to give me July 4th 2007.. gah, im an idiot. I sorta talked to you about them today, but we didnt say much. ahhh, it makes me want to write to you more, i find it cute... i saw how much u loved me, or at least how much u wrote that you loved me and missed me. apparently we talked on the phone back then... now if i call you.. id have to make it quick or important.. but honestly i want to call you for no reason, and id want you to ask my how my day was and we'd exchange thoughts and maybe even be silent for a while enjoying the presence of the person w.o being near that person at all... and then end it by saying i love you... thatd be perfect. I'd want to always have those conversations, or maybe even these love notes. You said I love you to me today. [= i made me EXTREMELY HAPPY. because i havent heard that from you in a long time, i usually.... say it wen im so inclined to, but i stopped because i never got it back. and Today you said... "I love you, i think you're cute". i miss you so much... yesterday night i couldnt sleep because i was reading those love notes and was crying my eyes out.. thinking that id try to get over you. but today changed it... maybe theres a chance? but i shouldnt worry about that right now... even though its been running through my head since FOREVER. i feel comfortable wen im with you, as if it doesnt really matter wat im wearing, wat im doing. You give me that look, i like it. I find it odd? [cant exactly think of the right word] ...well yea, i find it odd that... we kiss still. but it makes it clear to me.. that you still like ME.. but how would i know if im the only one u kiss... i dont want to ask you that because.. im afraid to find out.. because im afraid of wat i would do to myself.. if i wasnt. i ask you for hugs every time i see you because its the best way i could feel close to you, your arms around me with my arms around you, eyes closed [lol, having ur sent wrap around me and encase me with your addictive smell] with a small tight squeeze from you. a breath of release.. and then the painful departure. but made less painful with a kiss.. recently youve been kissing me on the forehead. i think its cute because youve never done that before, of all the times we've been together, uve never kissed me on the forehead except for then. and i dont CARE if i get sick because you kissed me..[ish], because it means that you REALLY kissed me. you kissed me so much that those things, we not share. Its weird how much im into you. its like i can compare you to how much i love music and piano, and ive been loving that since i was 4. i only met you when i was 12. XD woah, 12?... im 17 now, i've really known you for 5 years? id like to say... 'only 5 years?' and... 'DAAAANG 5 years?' but... id contradict myself, but thats how i feel. i really really wish i could spend more time with you, but time wont allow... and you wont either. because ur busy... and im busy[ish].. ugh, i was kinda sad when u said u had something to do with someone else, because i... put aside that afternoon thinking maybe we could hang out somewhere... but i guess not, but in time? really? will we ever get to hand out besides sundays? we dont even hang out much after... because u want to go home.... i love you, but maybe i cant spend time with you because im not as high up on ur list as other people are. it makes sense... i think... but honestly, id spend every waking moment of my free time with you. all the hours i'm on myspace/facebook or even blogging this.. id spend with you... all those moments where i find myself bored.. id wanna spend that time with you... all the times where Kasama let me down... and wasted my time.. id want to spend it all with you. but thats impossible. because it seems like ur trying to move on, except for sundays. on sundays you love me.....sunday mornings... thats the only day i look forward to now. i dont like school anymore.. im kinda a loner. its sad how the grp kinda feel apart, and now... i hang in a room where i barely know ppl..[kinda, im still pretty good friends with some of them] i miss ateh, i wish she was here... or at least.. if i could stay with you... but u hang out in ur place of sanctity.. and i shouldnt bother you there. i sometimes play piano.. but most of the time i wish you were there to watch me... so we can be together even for just... break [brunch .... -.-..., cuz u thought brunch was middle school-y.. lol.. in the letters].. for just 15 minutes.. id LIVE for those 15 minutes. I find myself always wanting to call or txt but i stop myself.. because i know id hurt myself if i do.. because ur not gonna txt back.. or u probably wont answer... or if u do answer.. i wouldnt really have anything important for u to hear. i miss the times when u would call me... *sigh...
im gonna write u a love note for christmas. i love you kira, i think ur cute [=
i hope you're gonna write back.
P.S. i Love You So Much =)
Friday, December 18, 2009
The Saltwater Room -Owl City
He likes this song,
so now... I like it.
and i 'researched' it
[i was so bored x.x]
but here are my favorite interpretations of it.
i should ask him wat he thinks about this song.
-----
jadenfuchsia
02-11-2009
Rated +5 My personal interpretation (really long)
"I opened my eyes
last night and saw you in the low light"
lowlight: a particularly bad or unpleasant event, detail, or part
he saw her in an unpleasant way he did not want to see her in. He discovered a part of her personality that he missed before... this time he saw her in a negative or sad light for the first time.
"Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren�t there anymore"
In every single song, Owl City mentions some mode of transportation as some sort of metaphor. In this case, the planes represent bygone memories that the boy& girl are reminiscing together, late into the night.
"I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
Like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before"
The lyrics here suggest that both people want more warmth/heat between their interactions, despite their history.
"You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell"
The singer always links himself to modes of transportation so the tunnels around him are probably the relationship choices the girl can make that involves him. However, all solutions to work towards a relationship seems grim ("running into the dark underground"). The guy is getting tired of the limbo situation he has with the girl... dating, not dating, dating not dating, fighting, making up, etc ("to my motion fatigue: goodbye"). He either wants to take initiative and make this relationship finally work or give up.
"With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room"
With their imagination, the the relationship would be idealistic. However, Owl City reinforces that this idealized picture of relationship is different from reality ("As if..."). When you press your ears against a seashell, you can pretend you're by the ocean and underwater paradise. Perhaps here the singer is talking about a long distance relationship; when you talk to a person online or on the phone, you can pretend you are also somewhere else... with significant other.
"Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I�ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?"
They keep telling themselves that with more time, they will eventually make everything work. However, due to long distance, they never get to spend enough time together to make the relationship concrete and stable. However when they are together, they've very comfortable with each other. THis is why they think extra efforts in making the relationship work is worth it. However they're tired of staying in the gray area.
"We need time, only time
When we�re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we�d fall in love?
All the time, all the time"
Whenever they're apart, they feel a bit lonely when they carry on their daily activities. They wish there could be a fair chance at love. No distance, no time constraints, no past history.
"Can you believe that the crew has gone and wouldn�t let me sign on?
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep"
The guy feels lost. He feels like he's losing his mind/sleep over this relationship (or lack thereof).
"I feel as if I were home some nights when we count all the ship lights"
The ship lights (note another mentioning of transportation) might represent hopes of the girl/boy being together... or perhaps the counting of the lights just signifies that the time they spend together feels so natural.
"I guess Ill never know why sparrows love the snow
Well turn off all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow"
The guy thinks that they'll never know what will happen if the relationship is given another chance (with no distance, etc), but he decides to enjoy the present, in the presence of the girl.
----
nattyx
11-30-2008
Rated 0 wow this is like one of those songs where you sit and watch this amazing view and have this song playing in the background.
when i first heard this song, i thought it was sweet... kinda like hellogoodbye but 1000X with more emotion... until the girl came in, i thought "oh my gosh, this is not just any song...this is amazing"
when it starts with
"I opened my eyes last night
and saw you in the low light"
i always think, the guy has finally realized what he has in front of his eyes
-----
Yokimoto
11-23-2008
Rated 0 It's such a good song, i have been listening to Maybe I'm Dreaming... and Of June on repeat for about 2 weeks now and this song sticks with me the most. The chorus is one of my favourite chorus' of all time. It's most definitely about two people falling in love and i think maybe they are scared. They know they like each other but they aren't completely sure what time will do to them, will it make or break them. Infact, i was gonna go on to say about they aren't sure it will work. But i think the line 'Time together is just never quite enough' means they want to spend every waking minute with each other, rather than it meaning that they spend time together but it's not enough to be satisfied with which i think other people are seeing it as. I think its so good as so many people can relate to it.
-----
<3 all the time...
so now... I like it.
and i 'researched' it
[i was so bored x.x]
but here are my favorite interpretations of it.
i should ask him wat he thinks about this song.
-----
jadenfuchsia
02-11-2009
Rated +5 My personal interpretation (really long)
"I opened my eyes
last night and saw you in the low light"
lowlight: a particularly bad or unpleasant event, detail, or part
he saw her in an unpleasant way he did not want to see her in. He discovered a part of her personality that he missed before... this time he saw her in a negative or sad light for the first time.
"Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren�t there anymore"
In every single song, Owl City mentions some mode of transportation as some sort of metaphor. In this case, the planes represent bygone memories that the boy& girl are reminiscing together, late into the night.
"I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
Like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before"
The lyrics here suggest that both people want more warmth/heat between their interactions, despite their history.
"You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell"
The singer always links himself to modes of transportation so the tunnels around him are probably the relationship choices the girl can make that involves him. However, all solutions to work towards a relationship seems grim ("running into the dark underground"). The guy is getting tired of the limbo situation he has with the girl... dating, not dating, dating not dating, fighting, making up, etc ("to my motion fatigue: goodbye"). He either wants to take initiative and make this relationship finally work or give up.
"With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room"
With their imagination, the the relationship would be idealistic. However, Owl City reinforces that this idealized picture of relationship is different from reality ("As if..."). When you press your ears against a seashell, you can pretend you're by the ocean and underwater paradise. Perhaps here the singer is talking about a long distance relationship; when you talk to a person online or on the phone, you can pretend you are also somewhere else... with significant other.
"Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I�ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?"
They keep telling themselves that with more time, they will eventually make everything work. However, due to long distance, they never get to spend enough time together to make the relationship concrete and stable. However when they are together, they've very comfortable with each other. THis is why they think extra efforts in making the relationship work is worth it. However they're tired of staying in the gray area.
"We need time, only time
When we�re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we�d fall in love?
All the time, all the time"
Whenever they're apart, they feel a bit lonely when they carry on their daily activities. They wish there could be a fair chance at love. No distance, no time constraints, no past history.
"Can you believe that the crew has gone and wouldn�t let me sign on?
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep"
The guy feels lost. He feels like he's losing his mind/sleep over this relationship (or lack thereof).
"I feel as if I were home some nights when we count all the ship lights"
The ship lights (note another mentioning of transportation) might represent hopes of the girl/boy being together... or perhaps the counting of the lights just signifies that the time they spend together feels so natural.
"I guess Ill never know why sparrows love the snow
Well turn off all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow"
The guy thinks that they'll never know what will happen if the relationship is given another chance (with no distance, etc), but he decides to enjoy the present, in the presence of the girl.
----
nattyx
11-30-2008
Rated 0 wow this is like one of those songs where you sit and watch this amazing view and have this song playing in the background.
when i first heard this song, i thought it was sweet... kinda like hellogoodbye but 1000X with more emotion... until the girl came in, i thought "oh my gosh, this is not just any song...this is amazing"
when it starts with
"I opened my eyes last night
and saw you in the low light"
i always think, the guy has finally realized what he has in front of his eyes
-----
Yokimoto
11-23-2008
Rated 0 It's such a good song, i have been listening to Maybe I'm Dreaming... and Of June on repeat for about 2 weeks now and this song sticks with me the most. The chorus is one of my favourite chorus' of all time. It's most definitely about two people falling in love and i think maybe they are scared. They know they like each other but they aren't completely sure what time will do to them, will it make or break them. Infact, i was gonna go on to say about they aren't sure it will work. But i think the line 'Time together is just never quite enough' means they want to spend every waking minute with each other, rather than it meaning that they spend time together but it's not enough to be satisfied with which i think other people are seeing it as. I think its so good as so many people can relate to it.
-----
<3 all the time...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
i hope ull understand someday.
Ron, i hope ur ok.
i know the fish died, but i hope u dont get as sad as wen jeffrey died ='/
it was heartbreaknig.
and this is kinda heartbreaking too.
first, hot sauce,
now pho...
and the other 2 we didnt name didnt even die yet.
gah.
hm... its still sad tho.
but life happens,
death happens.
..
i dont wanna get mad anymore.
i know u get.. blah wen im mad.
sorry.
its really weird for me..
sometimes,
i have no idea why tho.
its just me.. im sorry.
im trying,
ill try harder going into next week.
i dont wanna be like this anymore.
i feel as if its always my fault in the end.
and it makes me... depressed.
[.. if i were to ever die,
ud get all my stuff.. distribute back to person who gave it to me.
ask dennis for help.]
o.o
Dad,
i wish u knew my name.
u named me.
i wish u could understand wat im saying w.o translation frm my mom...
even after i said it... 5 times.
i wish u devoted the same amount of time to me as ur TV time with wowowee...
i wish i was closer to u.
ur becoming to be like tatang [grandpa]
-detached, quiet, hardworker.
... at least he knew my name before the accident.
i wish u knew more about me.
i cant believe u asked me wat my major was a month ago.
u know... im doing all this music stuff...
to get attention from u [one reason actually =/]
but i guess its not working.
u thot id be a nurse.
hah.
great job dad.
all u talk to me about is are u going to work, how was work, wake up, eat something, cook me something, 'thank yous', close the light/window, lock the door, the car is open, hi...
the other conversations we have end up w. me getting mad or frustrated with u.
u dont understand me.
maybe u dont wanna deal with girls anymore.
because of u and ur 2 'wives'.
fck u dad.
for breaking moms heart.
and having 3 sons.. and me..
the only daughter,
neglected, alone, unloved.
ill respect u until i leave,
ill only come back for mom, ron and my 2 half olderbros.
because u dont even try.
not even any hugs.
at all.
..
and not that i WANT presents.
but cmon... its probably been 10 or more yrs... since i got one from u.
unless i ask.
im just... sad because id expect things from parents.
i dont want ur money unless u give it to me on ur own free will.
[or i work for it... or i REALLY REALLY DESPERATELY need it. its only happened once]
..
u just sit there and watch wowowee...
where all the beautiful girls are..
all the talented people.
the money.
.
thanks for making me feel like shit in my own families house...
i hope ull realize wen i leave.
i hope mom divorces u,
shes helped u out too long,
even thru after EVERYTHING uve put her thru...
she hasnt yet.
she can support us fine w.o u.
ur not helping anyway.
jerk.
Mom,
u work too hard.
id label u as a workaholic.
i wish u didnt work so hard.
its not good for ur health.
ur not that young anymore mom.
u may look that way,
but ppl ur age shouldnt be working this hard.
its like a 9 to 9/10 job...
thats not healthy.or
i wish i didnt get that trait from u as much.
i work too much.
and i REALIZE how it hurts my life..
how come u dont?
ur making money for us yeah. i know
ur paying for the house, the cars .. the food.. the extras.
thanks.
but cant u ask dad for help?
or my brothers to maybe help? they work too...
i wish i didnt have to schedule myself into ur day . 4-5 days ahead.
i dont like it wen.. u say something and forget it... but i do and u totally change it on me as if i did something wrong.
or.. wen u lie... or ur late...
u usually say '30 min...' i already know its PLUS an hour.
sometimes i want to kill myself.
because i cant help thinking she has to work this hard for me..
because of my... medical bill.
my vision. dentist.. doctor..
she wouldnt have to worry about me anymore.
i wouldnt bother her in the middle of the day to ask to be picked up...
i wouldnt make her angry anymore.
i wouldnt worry her
she wouldnt need to worry about my college payment, + etc.
she wouldnt have to worry about driving around anywhere anymore.
i wouldnt take up her work time.
...
sometimes these thoughts run thru my head.
and it seems better in that world.
especially for ron.
Nextperson,
im sorry.
that i cant love u as much as u want me to.
i know i shouldnt take it the wrong way...
but u got 4 other girls chasing after u,
they're probably prettier than me..
or more smart.. or more 'older looking'
or better than me ....
just better than me in general.
u say u want me to get over u.
then y the fck do u kiss me.
maybe they can love u more than me.
... i find that impossible.
but love wont work right if u dont love me that much...
maybe ur happier with them.
i guess ill be fine.
here on the side... number 2.3.4.5.6....7 on ur list.
at least u feel wanted.
i dont.
im afraid wen u leave,
ill fall in love.
and wen u come back,
i wont love u anymore.
i guess u can say im scared of not loving u anymore.
because ive loved u for so long,
im used to it.
no matter wat.
and it hurts wen i know u ...love someone else.
because i dont.
u want me to move on,
but y do u give me those looks.
i want u to know how much i love u.
but i have no idea how.
WAKE UP!!!!.
iloveyou.
if u have to choose.
than u dont really love me as much as i love you.
because if i were in that situation,
id choose u.
always.
ur my number one.
and u cant change it.
ive tried.
....
it doesnt work.
and i dont want to try again,
because.
it feels as if im betraying u
as if im hurting u if i like another boy.
I was looking forward to Fanime uknow?
thanks,
..for letting me down.
i was looking forward to alot of things.
but other things always tend to happen.
..
u owe me alot tho.
u owe me ur promises.
i hope one day ull either remember [if u dont] or... fulfill them.
its funny,
wen im with u. my hands arent cold, they're warm [90% of the time, haha]
wen u said my lips were cold...
i just needed u to warm them [bwaha]
wen u unexpectedly hugged me, i forgot where we were for a split second
i liked it wen u held me on the piano bench. i felt wanted. even for that amount of time.
u were there for me. just... me.
maybe someday ull see.
maybe ull understand someday.
wat ive been going thru,
because iloveyou.
hoping ull choose me is wat keeps me here right now,
theres a fine line b/t me caring and me not right now.
save me superman.
i know the fish died, but i hope u dont get as sad as wen jeffrey died ='/
it was heartbreaknig.
and this is kinda heartbreaking too.
first, hot sauce,
now pho...
and the other 2 we didnt name didnt even die yet.
gah.
hm... its still sad tho.
but life happens,
death happens.
..
i dont wanna get mad anymore.
i know u get.. blah wen im mad.
sorry.
its really weird for me..
sometimes,
i have no idea why tho.
its just me.. im sorry.
im trying,
ill try harder going into next week.
i dont wanna be like this anymore.
i feel as if its always my fault in the end.
and it makes me... depressed.
[.. if i were to ever die,
ud get all my stuff.. distribute back to person who gave it to me.
ask dennis for help.]
o.o
Dad,
i wish u knew my name.
u named me.
i wish u could understand wat im saying w.o translation frm my mom...
even after i said it... 5 times.
i wish u devoted the same amount of time to me as ur TV time with wowowee...
i wish i was closer to u.
ur becoming to be like tatang [grandpa]
-detached, quiet, hardworker.
... at least he knew my name before the accident.
i wish u knew more about me.
i cant believe u asked me wat my major was a month ago.
u know... im doing all this music stuff...
to get attention from u [one reason actually =/]
but i guess its not working.
u thot id be a nurse.
hah.
great job dad.
all u talk to me about is are u going to work, how was work, wake up, eat something, cook me something, 'thank yous', close the light/window, lock the door, the car is open, hi...
the other conversations we have end up w. me getting mad or frustrated with u.
u dont understand me.
maybe u dont wanna deal with girls anymore.
because of u and ur 2 'wives'.
fck u dad.
for breaking moms heart.
and having 3 sons.. and me..
the only daughter,
neglected, alone, unloved.
ill respect u until i leave,
ill only come back for mom, ron and my 2 half olderbros.
because u dont even try.
not even any hugs.
at all.
..
and not that i WANT presents.
but cmon... its probably been 10 or more yrs... since i got one from u.
unless i ask.
im just... sad because id expect things from parents.
i dont want ur money unless u give it to me on ur own free will.
[or i work for it... or i REALLY REALLY DESPERATELY need it. its only happened once]
..
u just sit there and watch wowowee...
where all the beautiful girls are..
all the talented people.
the money.
.
thanks for making me feel like shit in my own families house...
i hope ull realize wen i leave.
i hope mom divorces u,
shes helped u out too long,
even thru after EVERYTHING uve put her thru...
she hasnt yet.
she can support us fine w.o u.
ur not helping anyway.
jerk.
Mom,
u work too hard.
id label u as a workaholic.
i wish u didnt work so hard.
its not good for ur health.
ur not that young anymore mom.
u may look that way,
but ppl ur age shouldnt be working this hard.
its like a 9 to 9/10 job...
thats not healthy.or
i wish i didnt get that trait from u as much.
i work too much.
and i REALIZE how it hurts my life..
how come u dont?
ur making money for us yeah. i know
ur paying for the house, the cars .. the food.. the extras.
thanks.
but cant u ask dad for help?
or my brothers to maybe help? they work too...
i wish i didnt have to schedule myself into ur day . 4-5 days ahead.
i dont like it wen.. u say something and forget it... but i do and u totally change it on me as if i did something wrong.
or.. wen u lie... or ur late...
u usually say '30 min...' i already know its PLUS an hour.
sometimes i want to kill myself.
because i cant help thinking she has to work this hard for me..
because of my... medical bill.
my vision. dentist.. doctor..
she wouldnt have to worry about me anymore.
i wouldnt bother her in the middle of the day to ask to be picked up...
i wouldnt make her angry anymore.
i wouldnt worry her
she wouldnt need to worry about my college payment, + etc.
she wouldnt have to worry about driving around anywhere anymore.
i wouldnt take up her work time.
...
sometimes these thoughts run thru my head.
and it seems better in that world.
especially for ron.
Nextperson,
im sorry.
that i cant love u as much as u want me to.
i know i shouldnt take it the wrong way...
but u got 4 other girls chasing after u,
they're probably prettier than me..
or more smart.. or more 'older looking'
or better than me ....
just better than me in general.
u say u want me to get over u.
then y the fck do u kiss me.
maybe they can love u more than me.
... i find that impossible.
but love wont work right if u dont love me that much...
maybe ur happier with them.
i guess ill be fine.
here on the side... number 2.3.4.5.6....7 on ur list.
at least u feel wanted.
i dont.
im afraid wen u leave,
ill fall in love.
and wen u come back,
i wont love u anymore.
i guess u can say im scared of not loving u anymore.
because ive loved u for so long,
im used to it.
no matter wat.
and it hurts wen i know u ...love someone else.
because i dont.
u want me to move on,
but y do u give me those looks.
i want u to know how much i love u.
but i have no idea how.
WAKE UP!!!!.
iloveyou.
if u have to choose.
than u dont really love me as much as i love you.
because if i were in that situation,
id choose u.
always.
ur my number one.
and u cant change it.
ive tried.
....
it doesnt work.
and i dont want to try again,
because.
it feels as if im betraying u
as if im hurting u if i like another boy.
I was looking forward to Fanime uknow?
thanks,
..for letting me down.
i was looking forward to alot of things.
but other things always tend to happen.
..
u owe me alot tho.
u owe me ur promises.
i hope one day ull either remember [if u dont] or... fulfill them.
its funny,
wen im with u. my hands arent cold, they're warm [90% of the time, haha]
wen u said my lips were cold...
i just needed u to warm them [bwaha]
wen u unexpectedly hugged me, i forgot where we were for a split second
i liked it wen u held me on the piano bench. i felt wanted. even for that amount of time.
u were there for me. just... me.
maybe someday ull see.
maybe ull understand someday.
wat ive been going thru,
because iloveyou.
hoping ull choose me is wat keeps me here right now,
theres a fine line b/t me caring and me not right now.
save me superman.
Friday, December 11, 2009
o.o
i dont feel that i should be blogging everyday [sometimes twice]
but...
it happens,
i end up on here, and ...yea. i just... type.
i found it to be a good stress reliever.
even its im ranting about random shituff.
blogging and playing piano + music in general.
i can live like this.
-.- but there has to be... other things in life =/
dammit.
i didnt see you all day today.
where were u.
i asked u to christmas in the park...
but i guess u didnt really want to go.
maybe its me.
.. if those girls asked u..
u probably wouldve been glad to.
im horrified to find that you of all ppl...
would be happy with someone else.
but its the sad truth.
[AGHHHHHH, i watched MP's drama perform "A Christmas Carol'
and now... theres this British accent inside my head...
its driving me crazy ><]
anyways, yea....
i missed u.
i waited for u...
before 5th period.
when we usually meet.
and u didnt come.
heres an epic recap. told in 3rd person
picking up her stuff she headed towards the back of the room.
she opened the back door and stepped out into the moist winter air.
the ground was wet from the rain from the previous night.
she walked forward, both glancing at the ROTC door and the lockers ahead of her.
reaching her locker she realized it odd, how he didnt show up
he was usually early and ahead of her.
opening her locker she sees the lunch she packed with the extra food to give to him.. and she sighed to herself.
once again she looked towards the door... it opened, a couple girls in uniform stepped out and turned towards the ROTC lockers.
she thought to herself, maybe hes sick..
spotting the person behind her waiting for a turn to get to her locker she took her english binder out and closed her locker.
briskly walking away to suddenly stop.
there were still a decent amount of people in the quad
so she waited.
standing at the entrance of the english building
people passed her, some said hi other walked on past her minding their own business.
as if they didnt see this desperate lovestruck schoolmate...
she felt full of emotion and thought.
'wat if hes not here today, maybe hes sick....'
'wat if he just doesnt want to see me...'
'maybe hes avoiding me because he doesnt wanna come to christmas in the park..'
'wat if hes walking someone to class'
'..maybe hes just with his recruiter again =/'
'wat if hes busy in there, maybe.. he is'
she left after the thought of being late to robinsons class consumed her for a long enough period of time.
oh, wat things can happen within the moments of passing period.
6 minutes.
it can mean everything.
it can mean trip to the bathroom b/t 2 classes in which you cant leave at all
it can mean wonderous walk wen [if u have one] ur b/f-g/f meets you outside of class to walk you to ur next
it can mean a good talk with a freind.
it can mean a rush from math to the portables. or viceversa
it can mean that moment of the day where u see that person, that moment u woke up for this morning.
the moment uve been waiting for since yesterday at the same time.
to her, it mean heartbreak because the moment was lost.
and it was a friday.
she left into the hall, but couldnt resist turning back a couple of times,
only to catch nothing,
the quad was empty.
the doors were shut
it was quiet.
the mood of the atmosphere fit her perfectly.
gloomy, no hope. sad.
she walked to where her classmates were
and heard they had a sub,
she was relieved.
they were to go to the computer lab,
which meant passing the quad again.
she was elated.
maybe he was coming out late, she thought to herself.
she walked ahead of the grp smiling inside,
only to find the quad the same as it was a minute ago.
he wasnt there,
the door didnt open.
she walked slower,
sulking.
didnt feel need to work in the upcoming period.
she needed some piano time.
he let her down again.
..
but maybe she should just stop expecting.
life doesnt work that way
omg,
im blah.
yea,
ive been wanting to txt him.
and ask him where hes been.
but i cant get mad at him.
it wont do any good.
i find myself more and more
believing i have both mood and personality disorders.
one is this,
of mood disorders;
manic depression...
or depression maybe.
i feel... as if im not in control of the situation because of wat had happened before when i was not..
so i dont do anything about it..
because i couldnt do anything before.
'learned helplessness'
im stuck in a relationship that shouldnt even be called one.
i just call it that because.. its wat i want it to be.
and i think that he can be the meanest person to me.
and i wouldnt care,
because... of the way i am.
because i love him.
" ...."
right..-.-
lets move on.
i always...
tend to ramble wen it gets to him.
its funny because,
we dont talk much.
but i can talk about him endlessly.
i miss him.
-------
i made myself busy tonight,
so i wouldnt be alone.
id just cry again.
like the other nights.
its 3 months in counting.
u owe me for that watch.
dont u?
did u forget,
or dp u just not want to worry about it.
i literally became broke.
after i bought it.
i didnt tell u afterwards.
because i didnt want u to get hurt.
of course i wanted to buy u it...
but u were supposed to pay me back.
u said..
and i dont want to ask.
because its rude.
honestly.
so ill wait.
unless wat u said on my birthday...
was about the watch as well
then... its understandable.
im just not shure tho...
i hope u take care of it with all ur might.
it took me probably a month to earn that much.
and i used it all.
for u.
i hope u know how much u mean to me.
and i hope ur not using me.
id kill myself if i ever found that out.
ill txt u tmrw night.
because work is the next morning.
------------
im... tired.
of it all.
----
i want to find someone else,
maybe even just for a little bit.
someone i can love...
or at least like a lot..
w/o having it turn into... pain.
but i dont want to be someone..
who would go out and have someone as if they were replacing u.
or.. something like that.
i dont want to hurt someone else..
because of u. and ur place in my heart.
its impossible,
thats y.. im single.
because im afraid to hurt someone.
and..
because of you.
...
i want to find someone else..
but...
it happens,
i end up on here, and ...yea. i just... type.
i found it to be a good stress reliever.
even its im ranting about random shituff.
blogging and playing piano + music in general.
i can live like this.
-.- but there has to be... other things in life =/
dammit.
i didnt see you all day today.
where were u.
i asked u to christmas in the park...
but i guess u didnt really want to go.
maybe its me.
.. if those girls asked u..
u probably wouldve been glad to.
im horrified to find that you of all ppl...
would be happy with someone else.
but its the sad truth.
[AGHHHHHH, i watched MP's drama perform "A Christmas Carol'
and now... theres this British accent inside my head...
its driving me crazy ><]
anyways, yea....
i missed u.
i waited for u...
before 5th period.
when we usually meet.
and u didnt come.
heres an epic recap. told in 3rd person
picking up her stuff she headed towards the back of the room.
she opened the back door and stepped out into the moist winter air.
the ground was wet from the rain from the previous night.
she walked forward, both glancing at the ROTC door and the lockers ahead of her.
reaching her locker she realized it odd, how he didnt show up
he was usually early and ahead of her.
opening her locker she sees the lunch she packed with the extra food to give to him.. and she sighed to herself.
once again she looked towards the door... it opened, a couple girls in uniform stepped out and turned towards the ROTC lockers.
she thought to herself, maybe hes sick..
spotting the person behind her waiting for a turn to get to her locker she took her english binder out and closed her locker.
briskly walking away to suddenly stop.
there were still a decent amount of people in the quad
so she waited.
standing at the entrance of the english building
people passed her, some said hi other walked on past her minding their own business.
as if they didnt see this desperate lovestruck schoolmate...
she felt full of emotion and thought.
'wat if hes not here today, maybe hes sick....'
'wat if he just doesnt want to see me...'
'maybe hes avoiding me because he doesnt wanna come to christmas in the park..'
'wat if hes walking someone to class'
'..maybe hes just with his recruiter again =/'
'wat if hes busy in there, maybe.. he is'
she left after the thought of being late to robinsons class consumed her for a long enough period of time.
oh, wat things can happen within the moments of passing period.
6 minutes.
it can mean everything.
it can mean trip to the bathroom b/t 2 classes in which you cant leave at all
it can mean wonderous walk wen [if u have one] ur b/f-g/f meets you outside of class to walk you to ur next
it can mean a good talk with a freind.
it can mean a rush from math to the portables. or viceversa
it can mean that moment of the day where u see that person, that moment u woke up for this morning.
the moment uve been waiting for since yesterday at the same time.
to her, it mean heartbreak because the moment was lost.
and it was a friday.
she left into the hall, but couldnt resist turning back a couple of times,
only to catch nothing,
the quad was empty.
the doors were shut
it was quiet.
the mood of the atmosphere fit her perfectly.
gloomy, no hope. sad.
she walked to where her classmates were
and heard they had a sub,
she was relieved.
they were to go to the computer lab,
which meant passing the quad again.
she was elated.
maybe he was coming out late, she thought to herself.
she walked ahead of the grp smiling inside,
only to find the quad the same as it was a minute ago.
he wasnt there,
the door didnt open.
she walked slower,
sulking.
didnt feel need to work in the upcoming period.
she needed some piano time.
he let her down again.
..
but maybe she should just stop expecting.
life doesnt work that way
omg,
im blah.
yea,
ive been wanting to txt him.
and ask him where hes been.
but i cant get mad at him.
it wont do any good.
i find myself more and more
believing i have both mood and personality disorders.
one is this,
of mood disorders;
manic depression...
or depression maybe.
i feel... as if im not in control of the situation because of wat had happened before when i was not..
so i dont do anything about it..
because i couldnt do anything before.
'learned helplessness'
im stuck in a relationship that shouldnt even be called one.
i just call it that because.. its wat i want it to be.
and i think that he can be the meanest person to me.
and i wouldnt care,
because... of the way i am.
because i love him.
" ...."
right..-.-
lets move on.
i always...
tend to ramble wen it gets to him.
its funny because,
we dont talk much.
but i can talk about him endlessly.
i miss him.
-------
i made myself busy tonight,
so i wouldnt be alone.
id just cry again.
like the other nights.
its 3 months in counting.
u owe me for that watch.
dont u?
did u forget,
or dp u just not want to worry about it.
i literally became broke.
after i bought it.
i didnt tell u afterwards.
because i didnt want u to get hurt.
of course i wanted to buy u it...
but u were supposed to pay me back.
u said..
and i dont want to ask.
because its rude.
honestly.
so ill wait.
unless wat u said on my birthday...
was about the watch as well
then... its understandable.
im just not shure tho...
i hope u take care of it with all ur might.
it took me probably a month to earn that much.
and i used it all.
for u.
i hope u know how much u mean to me.
and i hope ur not using me.
id kill myself if i ever found that out.
ill txt u tmrw night.
because work is the next morning.
------------
im... tired.
of it all.
----
i want to find someone else,
maybe even just for a little bit.
someone i can love...
or at least like a lot..
w/o having it turn into... pain.
but i dont want to be someone..
who would go out and have someone as if they were replacing u.
or.. something like that.
i dont want to hurt someone else..
because of u. and ur place in my heart.
its impossible,
thats y.. im single.
because im afraid to hurt someone.
and..
because of you.
...
i want to find someone else..
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
i cant sleep.
earlier
i had an encounter with o.o a rat in my room.
it was.. odd,
i was on the phone,
and... i heard stuff...
and it was over there,
across the room.
i started screaming for my mom x.x
and she didnt for like... EVER.
and by then it was gone...
i have no idea where it is now,
so i cant sleep.
[also because..
my mom says to
leave the door open, i cant sleep with the door open.
i hear too much.]
so over all, the negatives,
in this situation
are over weighing the positive....
positive: phone [=
negative: rat loose o.o
door open
uncomfortable
cold
..
i dont wanna sleep either now..
i gave up.
because... im afraid. =[
stupid rat.
i think ill clean my room tmrw.
after i come home from school.
before i go out to bonfire/powderpuff.
gah,
i hate this..
im paranoid.
it sucks wen im paranoid.
i had an encounter with o.o a rat in my room.
it was.. odd,
i was on the phone,
and... i heard stuff...
and it was over there,
across the room.
i started screaming for my mom x.x
and she didnt for like... EVER.
and by then it was gone...
i have no idea where it is now,
so i cant sleep.
[also because..
my mom says to
leave the door open, i cant sleep with the door open.
i hear too much.]
so over all, the negatives,
in this situation
are over weighing the positive....
positive: phone [=
negative: rat loose o.o
door open
uncomfortable
cold
..
i dont wanna sleep either now..
i gave up.
because... im afraid. =[
stupid rat.
i think ill clean my room tmrw.
after i come home from school.
before i go out to bonfire/powderpuff.
gah,
i hate this..
im paranoid.
it sucks wen im paranoid.
Monday, December 7, 2009
oh!
haha, now i have 6 and its still dec7.
[i didnt really want to put this on the other one.
its a totally different topic anyway]
my ring size is... 5.5
apparently.
i checked on the thing that was around the box wen i got it
because it didnt say on the receipt in the mailthing.
and i never even found the other receipt.
i think i accidently x.x threw it away.
which sucks!
uhm.. yea
i had an ok talk with someone day. and something was brought up that caught my attention because... dont really know o.o
and it occurred to me that.. i dont really KNOW where kira stays.
he.. supposed to be staying over at a friends house.
i know that,
but... well honestly i have a hint.
that hes ...living with ..her.
and i dunno.
maybe i KNOW it, but i just dont wanna really believe it.
itd be awkward for me to see her again.
i dont mind her, shes cool and stuff.
but... o.o that one time... x.x
and.. i know i havent really asked him all this stuff cuz i dont wanna seem like im butting into his life...
but who does he talk to on the phone all the time wen we're hanging out with each other..
he .. always seems to ask me who i was talking to ..
but i never seem to ask him. [which idk.... surprises even me]
...maybe i know that hes talking to other girls...
because sometimes wen he says 'im an older brother to some ppl' i feel as if hes saying.. i have these girls that look up to me and blahblah.
and i never ask who.
i think id be afraid to know, cuz sometimes i cant handle the truth.
because... my friend who i talked to today brought up that he saw them at the mall...
and around... the area a couple of times.. together. recently
and he asked me if i know if they were still together o.o
and i just... didnt know o.o wat to say.
cuz, i didnt really bother with his relationship to her after he told me they broke up.
i just.. always had these thoughts in the back of my head tho..
that, maybes shes the friend. or shes the one on the phone.
or... him and her are o.o and... =/
because im jealous.
i get jealous very easily.
and i can just SAY IT.
because i am.
and i know i am.
and its bad, but in a way.. sort of ok. to an extent.
i dont want to kill her.
shes nice,
its just my thoughts that make it so nerveracking.
because i dont there to be another girl in his life... in THAT kinda relationship.
i dont mind friends,
i mean, i can tell friends,
but shes.... her. and they were... o.o
and gah,
i miss 8th grade.
it was just...'us'
now its in this big complicated mess because lifes just being itself. ><
blah.
i miss it.
it sucks to always wonder.
and it sucks to never be for shure,
it sucks to NOT know
and it sucks to wait.
kira...
elsie thinks about you everyday before shes sleeps and every morning wen she wakes up.
she wants to call u every evening, but is afraid that shed bother u
she wants to txt wen shes bored, but doesnt want to end up with nothing to say
she wants to hang out with you, but doesnt want to take up ur time....
she wants to be with you. but cant seem to be good enough for u.
sry kira.
elsie died.
theres a new girl now.
i hope u like her as much as before.
she is.. madly, in love with you.
but she cant show it.
its different now...
[i didnt really want to put this on the other one.
its a totally different topic anyway]
my ring size is... 5.5
apparently.
i checked on the thing that was around the box wen i got it
because it didnt say on the receipt in the mailthing.
and i never even found the other receipt.
i think i accidently x.x threw it away.
which sucks!
uhm.. yea
i had an ok talk with someone day. and something was brought up that caught my attention because... dont really know o.o
and it occurred to me that.. i dont really KNOW where kira stays.
he.. supposed to be staying over at a friends house.
i know that,
but... well honestly i have a hint.
that hes ...living with ..her.
and i dunno.
maybe i KNOW it, but i just dont wanna really believe it.
itd be awkward for me to see her again.
i dont mind her, shes cool and stuff.
but... o.o that one time... x.x
and.. i know i havent really asked him all this stuff cuz i dont wanna seem like im butting into his life...
but who does he talk to on the phone all the time wen we're hanging out with each other..
he .. always seems to ask me who i was talking to ..
but i never seem to ask him. [which idk.... surprises even me]
...maybe i know that hes talking to other girls...
because sometimes wen he says 'im an older brother to some ppl' i feel as if hes saying.. i have these girls that look up to me and blahblah.
and i never ask who.
i think id be afraid to know, cuz sometimes i cant handle the truth.
because... my friend who i talked to today brought up that he saw them at the mall...
and around... the area a couple of times.. together. recently
and he asked me if i know if they were still together o.o
and i just... didnt know o.o wat to say.
cuz, i didnt really bother with his relationship to her after he told me they broke up.
i just.. always had these thoughts in the back of my head tho..
that, maybes shes the friend. or shes the one on the phone.
or... him and her are o.o and... =/
because im jealous.
i get jealous very easily.
and i can just SAY IT.
because i am.
and i know i am.
and its bad, but in a way.. sort of ok. to an extent.
i dont want to kill her.
shes nice,
its just my thoughts that make it so nerveracking.
because i dont there to be another girl in his life... in THAT kinda relationship.
i dont mind friends,
i mean, i can tell friends,
but shes.... her. and they were... o.o
and gah,
i miss 8th grade.
it was just...'us'
now its in this big complicated mess because lifes just being itself. ><
blah.
i miss it.
it sucks to always wonder.
and it sucks to never be for shure,
it sucks to NOT know
and it sucks to wait.
kira...
elsie thinks about you everyday before shes sleeps and every morning wen she wakes up.
she wants to call u every evening, but is afraid that shed bother u
she wants to txt wen shes bored, but doesnt want to end up with nothing to say
she wants to hang out with you, but doesnt want to take up ur time....
she wants to be with you. but cant seem to be good enough for u.
sry kira.
elsie died.
theres a new girl now.
i hope u like her as much as before.
she is.. madly, in love with you.
but she cant show it.
its different now...
Sunday, December 6, 2009
today,
today u asked me wat my ring size was.
but u asked me wen we were at work.
so... i wouldnt really know because pianists doing wear rings, ..
apparently,
so thats i have alota necklaces cuz it doesnt matter wat u wear around ur neck wen u play piano.
so i told myself to check wen i got home and txt to right away.
to show that i remembered ur question.
but since u asked that..
ive been wondering y.
did u read my last blog?
i doubt it.
i dont even know who read it anymore.
but i dont really care,
because.
i know its probably just the people that matter anyway.
and thats good.
anyways..
im really wondering y u asked me about my ring size.
and i cant help but think u know...
maybe.
but thats totally impossible.
because we both know.
..
ur ...hm.
well anyways.
today i finished that book.
'when it happens' by susane colasanti
i loved it.
it was by far the BEST book ive ever read.
except,
'tobey' reminds me of nathan.
and how cute he 'is'
..sad think is that, o.o hes a freshman that goes to valley christian.
distance is.... the main problem really,
but uknow.... if i drove.
id probably drive to him everyday.
he was so...idk. different,
interesting,
but some aspects of him pointed to 'dave'
some that wenever we email each other,
he never really asks me about myself.
kind of the reason y i broke up w/ him was to...
get to know him more before...
stuff,
but idk if he got that.
hes...
obviously inexperienced.
so ill let him swim.
but ill keep my contact,
because i think its safe to say,
it'll be good to have connections like him in the future,
hes cute,
talented [musician wise]
and o.o
yea.
i think he'll get pretty far,
even tho hes hanging out with his friends after school who have this grand scheme to watch movies 30 mins at a time to pass time after school because they have 'free time'.
even tho hes this odd type of mix that makes me so interested in him;
hes a trumpet playing wrestler skater dude,
who knows more music theory and music STUFF ingeneral than me.
which is surprising right?
hes something.
and to think,
HE asked ME out summer of junior yr.
;]
freaking amanda.
totally set it up,
more like obviously told him to.
but it was weird,
because i dont think people would have expected me to say 'yes' to an 8th grader.
and me being one of the oldest and maybe. most influential there [w/o me knowing it]
...say yes to nathan?
..o.o
tao.
lol
interesting. indeed.
funny,
the way frank looked at us in 'mars' class.
XD
yes... we're holding hands,
o.o
yes... he has his arm around me.
i think its cute how he asked me first before he held me.
its cute how he was holding me, but shyly let got after his friends blah.
they're just freshman,
imagine him later on.
i wonder if he got that girl he was talking about earlier.
this guys got potential,
cuz hes easy to talk to,
and he can talk.
and hes cute XD.
anyways,
moving on from freshman..
i really dont know,
because.
even tho we 'bond' together ...
i dont feel like he feels like its anything,
maybe its because we're all blah and stressed and busy and blah.
i just like it wen sometimes we recap our lives and then talk randomly about stuff.
cuz its easy and fun sometimes,
its a good stress reliever,
to fall asleep on the other side.
but i dont see it getting far because idk if anythings there...
because ONE- hes not doing anything obvious enough for me to be able to tell
TWO- maybe i dont want anything to happen because of... 'superman' -____- again! [ugh, ruiner]
THREE- im waiting,
FOUR- maybe im just not his 'delilah'..
so... ill just keep this up..
apparently in the book they also talk about talking on the phone.
and how guys play this game..
where they dont call everyday so they dont seem desperate...
so they call 3-4 times a week..
and those other days...
they just dont because... if they do it might come off as..yea =/
but i honeslty wouldnt mind because i enjoy those talks.
and i dont really lose anything,
i gain more.
its interesting to see part of ur life in a book by a person u had no idea existed until last friday.
because it also said that there this rule,
about calling and stuff.
and all this confusing stuff i guess i should know but i dont..
because this book is about seniors.
and i am...
therefore i should know.
but i guess not.
life sucks wen u read things ur supposed to know about.
but u really had no idea about.
like... i thought that..
this phone/calling thing was jus... this thing that happens b/t me and him.
but apparently it happens to alot of ppl.
so ..wat if o.o
he calls me/i call him these days,
but he totally calls someone else the other days,
and its like the same thing, =/
maybe thats y i dont do anything about it,
because i feel like its not really me,
because itd be ...well not weird.. just, idk....ugh,
this weird unexplainable thing if it waS me.
idk if good ot bad thing,
but just different.
but... in dennis's case.
i know
wat would happen.
so thats a different feeling...
i havent had a 'decent' conversation with him in a while since today.
and i guess u can say we only really 'TALK' once a week.
compared to other guy which like 4-5-6x.
idk,
today confuses me.
and i cant seem to find my ring size,
so ill let it slide til tmrw,
wen i look for the receipt.
today was exhausting,
maybe i should start talking.....
hmmm,
but hes watching this drama thing...
maybe i shouldnt bother him
.
o.o ill wait til he talks first....
off to fight crime
and the forces of. EVILLLLLLL.
dun dun dundundun duuun dun.
;]
but u asked me wen we were at work.
so... i wouldnt really know because pianists doing wear rings, ..
apparently,
so thats i have alota necklaces cuz it doesnt matter wat u wear around ur neck wen u play piano.
so i told myself to check wen i got home and txt to right away.
to show that i remembered ur question.
but since u asked that..
ive been wondering y.
did u read my last blog?
i doubt it.
i dont even know who read it anymore.
but i dont really care,
because.
i know its probably just the people that matter anyway.
and thats good.
anyways..
im really wondering y u asked me about my ring size.
and i cant help but think u know...
maybe.
but thats totally impossible.
because we both know.
..
ur ...hm.
well anyways.
today i finished that book.
'when it happens' by susane colasanti
i loved it.
it was by far the BEST book ive ever read.
except,
'tobey' reminds me of nathan.
and how cute he 'is'
..sad think is that, o.o hes a freshman that goes to valley christian.
distance is.... the main problem really,
but uknow.... if i drove.
id probably drive to him everyday.
he was so...idk. different,
interesting,
but some aspects of him pointed to 'dave'
some that wenever we email each other,
he never really asks me about myself.
kind of the reason y i broke up w/ him was to...
get to know him more before...
stuff,
but idk if he got that.
hes...
obviously inexperienced.
so ill let him swim.
but ill keep my contact,
because i think its safe to say,
it'll be good to have connections like him in the future,
hes cute,
talented [musician wise]
and o.o
yea.
i think he'll get pretty far,
even tho hes hanging out with his friends after school who have this grand scheme to watch movies 30 mins at a time to pass time after school because they have 'free time'.
even tho hes this odd type of mix that makes me so interested in him;
hes a trumpet playing wrestler skater dude,
who knows more music theory and music STUFF ingeneral than me.
which is surprising right?
hes something.
and to think,
HE asked ME out summer of junior yr.
;]
freaking amanda.
totally set it up,
more like obviously told him to.
but it was weird,
because i dont think people would have expected me to say 'yes' to an 8th grader.
and me being one of the oldest and maybe. most influential there [w/o me knowing it]
...say yes to nathan?
..o.o
tao.
lol
interesting. indeed.
funny,
the way frank looked at us in 'mars' class.
XD
yes... we're holding hands,
o.o
yes... he has his arm around me.
i think its cute how he asked me first before he held me.
its cute how he was holding me, but shyly let got after his friends blah.
they're just freshman,
imagine him later on.
i wonder if he got that girl he was talking about earlier.
this guys got potential,
cuz hes easy to talk to,
and he can talk.
and hes cute XD.
anyways,
moving on from freshman..
i really dont know,
because.
even tho we 'bond' together ...
i dont feel like he feels like its anything,
maybe its because we're all blah and stressed and busy and blah.
i just like it wen sometimes we recap our lives and then talk randomly about stuff.
cuz its easy and fun sometimes,
its a good stress reliever,
to fall asleep on the other side.
but i dont see it getting far because idk if anythings there...
because ONE- hes not doing anything obvious enough for me to be able to tell
TWO- maybe i dont want anything to happen because of... 'superman' -____- again! [ugh, ruiner]
THREE- im waiting,
FOUR- maybe im just not his 'delilah'..
so... ill just keep this up..
apparently in the book they also talk about talking on the phone.
and how guys play this game..
where they dont call everyday so they dont seem desperate...
so they call 3-4 times a week..
and those other days...
they just dont because... if they do it might come off as..yea =/
but i honeslty wouldnt mind because i enjoy those talks.
and i dont really lose anything,
i gain more.
its interesting to see part of ur life in a book by a person u had no idea existed until last friday.
because it also said that there this rule,
about calling and stuff.
and all this confusing stuff i guess i should know but i dont..
because this book is about seniors.
and i am...
therefore i should know.
but i guess not.
life sucks wen u read things ur supposed to know about.
but u really had no idea about.
like... i thought that..
this phone/calling thing was jus... this thing that happens b/t me and him.
but apparently it happens to alot of ppl.
so ..wat if o.o
he calls me/i call him these days,
but he totally calls someone else the other days,
and its like the same thing, =/
maybe thats y i dont do anything about it,
because i feel like its not really me,
because itd be ...well not weird.. just, idk....ugh,
this weird unexplainable thing if it waS me.
idk if good ot bad thing,
but just different.
but... in dennis's case.
i know
wat would happen.
so thats a different feeling...
i havent had a 'decent' conversation with him in a while since today.
and i guess u can say we only really 'TALK' once a week.
compared to other guy which like 4-5-6x.
idk,
today confuses me.
and i cant seem to find my ring size,
so ill let it slide til tmrw,
wen i look for the receipt.
today was exhausting,
maybe i should start talking.....
hmmm,
but hes watching this drama thing...
maybe i shouldnt bother him
.
o.o ill wait til he talks first....
off to fight crime
and the forces of. EVILLLLLLL.
dun dun dundundun duuun dun.
;]
Saturday, December 5, 2009
dogtag.
i find it odd when ppl read the dogtag that i wear..
because
its not one of THOSE dogtags,
its a prototype to a 'real' one..uknow,
so its writing is horizontal.
and difficult to read.
so i find it odd that its obvious wen ppl read it
because they tilt their head..
wats worse is wen they touch it....
to read it.
its like.. WTF man... i never said u could touch it.
its very dear to me, because he gave it to me.
and wenever he gives me something
i cherish it with my life.
because he was first to love me, and tell me/show me..
besides my family.
and
maybe this dogtag will be one of the last things ill ever get from him
because hes leaving..
june28.
and i.... might not see him again
ever.
and maybe i dont want u to touch it or read it because
i wanna pretend its not gonna happen.
..that he wont leave.
but i still wear it every day o.o and every night wen i sleep =/
even tho it reminds me that ur leaving.
it reminds me that ur leaving.
so i want to make the most of every minute i spend with u.
but i tend to be busy..
or not say things i want to say...
and i know ill regret it later on.
wat i want u to know is that i LOVE u.
and even if after june 28,
ill ever see u again and we'll meet.
i want u to know that i'll always keep u in my heart and mind.
you're someone i never want to forget,
even if u DO love someone else.
or if u WILL marry someone else in the future.
but in all honestly,
the second u leave,
all ill be waiting for is the second ull come back.
and when its all over and done,
maybe ull ask me to marry u.
like that time in 8th grade..
in front of weilers class
with those 2 chocolate hearts....
[but w/o u saying 'i was just joking,
i did that to other girls to see their reaction']
and id say yes.
and we'd be happy... together.
more importantly, ud be happy.
because if ur happy, ill be glad ur happy.
nothing else would matter.
ill miss you when u leave.
so im glad i have this dogtag to hold u close to my heart
even wen ur not there to hold on to.
this dogtag lets me sleep with u.
it lets me take u everywhere.
it helps me sleep..
wen im afriad, i hold on to it for strength.
i clutch it for goodluck
i kiss it wen im alone and think of u.
maybe im... too obsessed with it.
o.o
because im too obsessed with u...
but im afraid of losing u.
because i KNOW it'll happen.
because the morning of june29
ill wake up and realize..
ur gone.
and all uve left me with is this dogtag.
[and teddybear. and the tubeything with the bear and the iloveyou balloon inside. and the glass piano. and the golden bracelet from magicmountain and the star necklace u gave me in middle school. and all the notes we've ever passed that ive kept. and all the memories of u that replay in my head..]
because
its not one of THOSE dogtags,
its a prototype to a 'real' one..uknow,
so its writing is horizontal.
and difficult to read.
so i find it odd that its obvious wen ppl read it
because they tilt their head..
wats worse is wen they touch it....
to read it.
its like.. WTF man... i never said u could touch it.
its very dear to me, because he gave it to me.
and wenever he gives me something
i cherish it with my life.
because he was first to love me, and tell me/show me..
besides my family.
and
maybe this dogtag will be one of the last things ill ever get from him
because hes leaving..
june28.
and i.... might not see him again
ever.
and maybe i dont want u to touch it or read it because
i wanna pretend its not gonna happen.
..that he wont leave.
but i still wear it every day o.o and every night wen i sleep =/
even tho it reminds me that ur leaving.
it reminds me that ur leaving.
so i want to make the most of every minute i spend with u.
but i tend to be busy..
or not say things i want to say...
and i know ill regret it later on.
wat i want u to know is that i LOVE u.
and even if after june 28,
ill ever see u again and we'll meet.
i want u to know that i'll always keep u in my heart and mind.
you're someone i never want to forget,
even if u DO love someone else.
or if u WILL marry someone else in the future.
but in all honestly,
the second u leave,
all ill be waiting for is the second ull come back.
and when its all over and done,
maybe ull ask me to marry u.
like that time in 8th grade..
in front of weilers class
with those 2 chocolate hearts....
[but w/o u saying 'i was just joking,
i did that to other girls to see their reaction']
and id say yes.
and we'd be happy... together.
more importantly, ud be happy.
because if ur happy, ill be glad ur happy.
nothing else would matter.
ill miss you when u leave.
so im glad i have this dogtag to hold u close to my heart
even wen ur not there to hold on to.
this dogtag lets me sleep with u.
it lets me take u everywhere.
it helps me sleep..
wen im afriad, i hold on to it for strength.
i clutch it for goodluck
i kiss it wen im alone and think of u.
maybe im... too obsessed with it.
o.o
because im too obsessed with u...
but im afraid of losing u.
because i KNOW it'll happen.
because the morning of june29
ill wake up and realize..
ur gone.
and all uve left me with is this dogtag.
[and teddybear. and the tubeything with the bear and the iloveyou balloon inside. and the glass piano. and the golden bracelet from magicmountain and the star necklace u gave me in middle school. and all the notes we've ever passed that ive kept. and all the memories of u that replay in my head..]
Thursday, December 3, 2009
yay/boo.
YAY,
winterconcert=good.
XD
decent. Lol,
i know i made some mistakes.
i didnt cry tho, i didnt make a big deal out of it.
and o.o
it kinda felt like.. i heard my name more than i heard it on my birthday.. lol
it was kinda scary. =/
"omg Leah ur so good"
"great job Leah"
"wow, Leah ur hella good'
blahblahblah. thank you [=
><
and ppl liked the dress too >=]
iknewit.
but u didnt...
which kinda put me down.
thanks for coming..
but i have no idea if u watched ur not.
are u tired of supporting me?
maybe u just shouldnt go then,
u need rest anyway.
i see no point if there are other ranking officers there for u to be there.
=/ i thot ud probably at least be there for me.
... but u didnt even say goodjob
or u look pretty...
or even say hi or bye..
we just had a couple conversations.
and thats it.
...
its kinda funny, how i get all these congrats stuff from basically 'strangers' [acquaintances],
but you. my closest and dearest 'friend'.
didnt even bother.
its sad.
i find it disappointing that i was looking forward to hearing wat ud say.
..
lets no dwell here for so long tho.
maybe ull tell me the next day.
NO.
u didnt
today passed.
i guess it doesnt really matter to u.
i know,
ur not having an easy time at all,
and u have enough to think about and all the other shit u have to deal with
but ..
u could at least said good job..
or something.
because SHELOVESYOU.
dont go breaking her heart.
my heart.
.
....
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.o.o
.
.
...
.
.
i feel as if im loved and hated.
and i dont mind that,
many ppl are.
but i find it awkward for ppl to hate me
if they dont know me
or if they just give me this look...
u know that look o.o
the 'evil' ish kinda look or the rar.' fck u' kinda look
i dont like it.
but who gives a __ abt those ppl,
they're probably... not nice anyways.
but i find it more awkward to be adored by ppl whos names i dont even know.
lol
blahblahblah.
thanks, but u dont have to say it every freakin time i see u
gosh, leave me alone x.x
piano's not the only thing about me.
its just part of my life.
i adore the ppl who would adore me if they knew everything.
..
i dont adore many ppl...
actually...near no one. for now.
ish.
but like...
this concert was different.
it went by fast,
w/o anxiety
and i wanna know why. o.o
it was weird for me to go by a concert like this.
or maybe this was how it was before the incident.
i like it.
[=
its easy.
and fun.
and i like getting compliments.
[sometimes]
its nice.
..
its nice to finally be noticed.
for something that i do.
for something thats REALLY.. me.
winterconcert=good.
XD
decent. Lol,
i know i made some mistakes.
i didnt cry tho, i didnt make a big deal out of it.
and o.o
it kinda felt like.. i heard my name more than i heard it on my birthday.. lol
it was kinda scary. =/
"omg Leah ur so good"
"great job Leah"
"wow, Leah ur hella good'
blahblahblah. thank you [=
><
and ppl liked the dress too >=]
iknewit.
but u didnt...
which kinda put me down.
thanks for coming..
but i have no idea if u watched ur not.
are u tired of supporting me?
maybe u just shouldnt go then,
u need rest anyway.
i see no point if there are other ranking officers there for u to be there.
=/ i thot ud probably at least be there for me.
... but u didnt even say goodjob
or u look pretty...
or even say hi or bye..
we just had a couple conversations.
and thats it.
...
its kinda funny, how i get all these congrats stuff from basically 'strangers' [acquaintances],
but you. my closest and dearest 'friend'.
didnt even bother.
its sad.
i find it disappointing that i was looking forward to hearing wat ud say.
..
lets no dwell here for so long tho.
maybe ull tell me the next day.
NO.
u didnt
today passed.
i guess it doesnt really matter to u.
i know,
ur not having an easy time at all,
and u have enough to think about and all the other shit u have to deal with
but ..
u could at least said good job..
or something.
because SHELOVESYOU.
dont go breaking her heart.
my heart.
.
....
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.o.o
.
.
...
.
.
i feel as if im loved and hated.
and i dont mind that,
many ppl are.
but i find it awkward for ppl to hate me
if they dont know me
or if they just give me this look...
u know that look o.o
the 'evil' ish kinda look or the rar.' fck u' kinda look
i dont like it.
but who gives a __ abt those ppl,
they're probably... not nice anyways.
but i find it more awkward to be adored by ppl whos names i dont even know.
lol
blahblahblah.
thanks, but u dont have to say it every freakin time i see u
gosh, leave me alone x.x
piano's not the only thing about me.
its just part of my life.
i adore the ppl who would adore me if they knew everything.
..
i dont adore many ppl...
actually...near no one. for now.
ish.
but like...
this concert was different.
it went by fast,
w/o anxiety
and i wanna know why. o.o
it was weird for me to go by a concert like this.
or maybe this was how it was before the incident.
i like it.
[=
its easy.
and fun.
and i like getting compliments.
[sometimes]
its nice.
..
its nice to finally be noticed.
for something that i do.
for something thats REALLY.. me.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
i didnt sleep at all...
and i cant put my finger on why exactly i couldnt fall asleep.
well its probably because i ate chilis and was full afterwards and hyper. [especially after dessert]
or because i felt as if we 'stole' chips... even tho it was 'bottomless' and it shouldve been ours anyway.
or..
its probably because wen i got home i was tired,
and i tried on all the clothes i bought today [again]
and showed them off to my mom... x.x
cuz im excited after i buy clothes... or go shopping..
or its probably because after that. i decided wat i was going to wear for the week...
and now im looking forward to this week
or its probably because after i got bored picking clothes
and playing collapse on the computer
and looking at my facebook/myspace
..i decided to fix up my 2nd myspace
that has my about me on it
and i was all into it..
or it might be because in the middle of my editing,
ERIC called me.
maybe its cuz i havent talked to him since....
wednesday at adrians birthday ..thing
and i was excited to talk to him again and catch up and wanted to know wats going on in his life and how his weekend was and wat i missed b/t the time we last talked and now, and wat'll happen later and... other random switch stories that we do.. and randomly talk about on the phone [which lasted 2 hours...]
..
o.o maybe its because im kinda used to falling asleep with him on the other side of the phone,
maybe thats y i couldnt sleep because... he wasnt.. cuz i guess since he wasnt home.. and he was watching TV.. and blah.
cuz im used hearing silence/him from the other side of the phone... and it makes me happy. and sleep...
or maybe its because after i couldnt fall asleep i decided to pick up my laptop and finish editing my other myspace,
and told myself that id fix it up more later
or probably because
i spent a good hour or so uploading pictures to an album i will later edit...
its called 'abriefsummaryofmylifebetween11.9.07-11.25.09]
its pretty amazing actually.
i will later put captions on every single one.
and ... ull know part of me.
...of course its work in progress, cuz..
im not done yet.
or maybe i cant sleep because the music im listening to makes me think alot..
or maybe i just excited to see dennis later today.
because... its sunday,
its the only reason i like sunday now...
because i get to be with him...
even if it means i hafta work,
at least its with him....
or maybe because im still looking at the pictures and the memories
and im thinking.
or maybe its because this crystal geyser water is drugged or something o.o
i took 2 sips earlier.. like maybe around 3 or 4 and i was pretty awake...
this is a weird all nighter.
maybe i couldnt sleep because all ive done was think and use my emotions
and thinking ...is blah ..
and my emotions.... are blah.
its weird tho..
uknow, after going around great mall for maybe 6-7 hours... then ending up at eastridge for a little bit then...chilis.
u wouldve thot id be exhausted... and dead tired.
but here i am...
awake.
writing a blog about being awake...
and confused...
and..
not tired.
nor sleepy.
..
i
am
so
weird.....
well its probably because i ate chilis and was full afterwards and hyper. [especially after dessert]
or because i felt as if we 'stole' chips... even tho it was 'bottomless' and it shouldve been ours anyway.
or..
its probably because wen i got home i was tired,
and i tried on all the clothes i bought today [again]
and showed them off to my mom... x.x
cuz im excited after i buy clothes... or go shopping..
or its probably because after that. i decided wat i was going to wear for the week...
and now im looking forward to this week
or its probably because after i got bored picking clothes
and playing collapse on the computer
and looking at my facebook/myspace
..i decided to fix up my 2nd myspace
that has my about me on it
and i was all into it..
or it might be because in the middle of my editing,
ERIC called me.
maybe its cuz i havent talked to him since....
wednesday at adrians birthday ..thing
and i was excited to talk to him again and catch up and wanted to know wats going on in his life and how his weekend was and wat i missed b/t the time we last talked and now, and wat'll happen later and... other random switch stories that we do.. and randomly talk about on the phone [which lasted 2 hours...]
..
o.o maybe its because im kinda used to falling asleep with him on the other side of the phone,
maybe thats y i couldnt sleep because... he wasnt.. cuz i guess since he wasnt home.. and he was watching TV.. and blah.
cuz im used hearing silence/him from the other side of the phone... and it makes me happy. and sleep...
or maybe its because after i couldnt fall asleep i decided to pick up my laptop and finish editing my other myspace,
and told myself that id fix it up more later
or probably because
i spent a good hour or so uploading pictures to an album i will later edit...
its called 'abriefsummaryofmylifebetween11.9.07-11.25.09]
its pretty amazing actually.
i will later put captions on every single one.
and ... ull know part of me.
...of course its work in progress, cuz..
im not done yet.
or maybe i cant sleep because the music im listening to makes me think alot..
or maybe i just excited to see dennis later today.
because... its sunday,
its the only reason i like sunday now...
because i get to be with him...
even if it means i hafta work,
at least its with him....
or maybe because im still looking at the pictures and the memories
and im thinking.
or maybe its because this crystal geyser water is drugged or something o.o
i took 2 sips earlier.. like maybe around 3 or 4 and i was pretty awake...
this is a weird all nighter.
maybe i couldnt sleep because all ive done was think and use my emotions
and thinking ...is blah ..
and my emotions.... are blah.
its weird tho..
uknow, after going around great mall for maybe 6-7 hours... then ending up at eastridge for a little bit then...chilis.
u wouldve thot id be exhausted... and dead tired.
but here i am...
awake.
writing a blog about being awake...
and confused...
and..
not tired.
nor sleepy.
..
i
am
so
weird.....
Thursday, November 26, 2009
i cant fit in,
the realization that i cant fit in came to me thanksgiving day.
i was lying on my bed in my room when my mom told me that we were going to my grandmas house..
i kinda got mad,
because she told me that we werent going anywhere.
and i dont like sudden change... impromptu kinda stuff,
so i acted like a passive-aggressive sufferer and decided to go along..
my grandma only lives 5-10 minutes away.
but i never liked going there,
i used to live there,
but we moved out,
its my dads side of my family,
but my mom has always treated them as if they were her own..
shes too nice sometimes,
i dont like that.
its a trait i got,
i kind of hate it
anyway,
we got there
and as usual everyone was drinking,
from my gambling aunts and uncles
to my cousins [around 18+]
to the random ppl cooking stuff..
i had to hug my aunts and uncles,
of course,
respectfully... then i went inside, because it was weird for me,
i never liked being around drunk people,
i was used to it when i was younger,
but i guess my tolerance for it changed.
its funny how you could tell whos drunk or not..
but they can act the same as they always are,
so most of my family consists of guys..
mainly around my age grp ... around meaning within 10 yrs.
so theres a bunch of mid 20 guys drinking with my only girl cousin.. around that age.
then i walk in and see 3-4 little boys running around the house..
and i see my niece [who graduated frm MP last yr] but she was reading so i didnt want to bother her.
then.. those girls who jus came from the PI this summer.
they barley speak english...
before i step into the kitchen i can hear my mom talking about me..
saying how i didnt wanna be there an sht like that
and i thot to myself..WHAT..THE..FCK..
-.- thanks mom,
im now known as... that girl who didnt wanna be here...
i knew i didnt, but i didnt want everyone else to know,
..i walked in and got some food
because if ur filipino and ur at a party.
or if ur at a filipino party,
you gotta eat.
and my mom promised me we'd only be there for a little bit anyway,
as long as i eat...
i was eating and my mom comes down the hall from my grandmas room and was all
' did u say hi to ur grandma yet?'
i thot to myself 'NO. retard.. im sitting here eating..'
i didnt say anything.
but i had a glaring look on my face.
showing her..
how annoyed i was,
there she went talking to the 'family' there
and there i was.. sitting and eating pancit...
i didnt want to talk to anyone because,
wtf would i talk to anyone about.
i finished eating and ron passed by with one of my cousins,
they were gonna play call of duty.
congrats ron, u found a place for urself in this family,
i have yet to know mine....
after throwing away the plate i went to my grandmas room
my grandpa was there..
i hugged the other ppl in the room making my way to grandma 'hi inang' i smiled.
i faced my grandpa and tried hugging him 'hi tatang!'..
he didnt hug back like he always had...
or didnt even say hi back.
.. didnt even look at me.
he just kept eating..
[a brief history, my grandpa fell of the roof one day last month.
was rushed to the hospital
put in intensive care.
his ribs/spinal cord were raptured
they said he wasnt going to make it
made it past hospital to care home
kept saying he was going to die
because delusional for the care of his crops in the backyard
grandma suffered from slight depression and sleep loss,
he was allowed to go home
grandma took him home
they dont share a bed anymore,
at least he can eat
at least she can sleep.
but honestly, taking care of the sick AND old.. is hard,
if ur sick and old...]
like i said,
he just kept eating and staring at his food...
he didnt look at me at all
the other old ladies in the room kept telling him to look at me
and asking him if he remembered me.
maybe i should have visited him more,
..if i wasnt so busy..
i never really got to know him
because he never really spoke
i always said hi and hugged him tho,
that was our means of communication,
besides music.
he saw me with the uke one time and i could tell he was kind of excited.
he is HELLA good at the sax... a passion of his
besides work.
he used to smoke, i think he stopped but im not shure wen he quit.
ron knows alot from him
im jealous of the way ron can be closer to family than me..
and im older...
i thought to myself he had Alzheimer's..
i asked and they said no... it was just sometimes,
but i knew..
it probly is.
which made me extremely sad.
i dont want to get old..
i walked out and back into the kitchen and found my mom talking again to the 'family' in there.
they were talking about driving... [great.. -.-]
and how hazel [new girl frm PI] should learn how to drive,
but how she knows and how the state just tricks the students
because u have to pay for the 2nd test too.. and crap like that
but wen i walked into the room my mom was in the middle of a sentence saying
'you cant survive in the U.S. if you cant drive.' and ended with 'right Leah?'
..
YOU KNOW WHAT. FCK YOU. FCK THE WORLD AND THE US AND FCK THIS FAMILY THAT HAS NO PLACE FOR ME..
..
i quietly left the room..
i wanted to leave the house..
and run to dennis's house, which as only 2 street corners away..
but stopped myself.
because the family wouldve thought i didnt like them.
i do.
i want to fit in
but why cant i..
maybe because i really dont..
maybe i dont want to be one of those types of ppl.
drunk, gambling...
i just dont have anyone to cling to at family parties except ron.
but its different now,
he can do stuff himself
i need him more than he needs me.
i hate that.
and i hate that i cant even fit in this immediate family.
moms too busy for sht like me..
dads... dad ... obviously
and 3 brothers,
thanks...-.-
that leaves me..
and my stuffed animals,
laptop and phone.
because.. no one listens and i cant fit it anyway.
my mom passed me by.
i yanked her arm
and she knew.
she said we were going somewhere else...
so we had to leave.
ron stayed.
because my 2 older brothers were there [drinking...]
we left fairly quickly..
got in the car and went home.
it was a quiet ride home
..
i dont like how..
im an introvert like her... in parties,
i hate parties because theres no where i can fit in..
i dont drink
i dont eat much
i dont gamble
im not that big on karaoke and videogames
i dont cook at those parties
im not good with mingling in that type of setting
or with those type of ppl..
..
i enjoy small random gatherings
where theres no drinking
but we're all having fun anyway.
where
no ones left out..
and we have stuff to talk about.
and either i KNOW you,
or you're getting to know ME...
but thanks world,
for not letting me have those moments,
because i cant even fit in SRL anymore. its so different...
or..
with vlad and dennis.
its totally different,
i dont even talk to vlad anymore.
and dennis....=/
or..
at school,
yea shure i hang out with alot of people
and i know hella ppl...
but i dont exactly...have fun all the time there..
i just sit.
but everyone else HAS their thing
or their 'best friend'
i guess not me...
thats y i dont like going there alot.
because theres nothing to do there
its boring,
theres cliques inside or clique which is STUPID.
im kind of in b/t all of them.
because i dont fit in
thats y i keep myself busy..
and walk around
or play piano... during breaks.
i fit in that way.
...
in FYC.
last tuesday i realized..
without.. jovey or tiffany.
im a loner..
and i cant fit it.
its kinda sad,
i can talk to all of them as a group
[as in.. leading activities night]
but ... no one seems to care about me after that.
no one listens to me, or even bothers to talk to me.
im just there
and its kinda awkward for me
because at break everyone has someone to talk to
except me
and after,
sht man... jam session away.
you guys too, just dance ur butts off..
while i lie on this couch and.....
think.
and txt ppl that i want to kill myself.
because in all honesty
thats how it feels like
to be left out.
to feel as if u cant fit in.
im different.
...
why,
i was lying on my bed in my room when my mom told me that we were going to my grandmas house..
i kinda got mad,
because she told me that we werent going anywhere.
and i dont like sudden change... impromptu kinda stuff,
so i acted like a passive-aggressive sufferer and decided to go along..
my grandma only lives 5-10 minutes away.
but i never liked going there,
i used to live there,
but we moved out,
its my dads side of my family,
but my mom has always treated them as if they were her own..
shes too nice sometimes,
i dont like that.
its a trait i got,
i kind of hate it
anyway,
we got there
and as usual everyone was drinking,
from my gambling aunts and uncles
to my cousins [around 18+]
to the random ppl cooking stuff..
i had to hug my aunts and uncles,
of course,
respectfully... then i went inside, because it was weird for me,
i never liked being around drunk people,
i was used to it when i was younger,
but i guess my tolerance for it changed.
its funny how you could tell whos drunk or not..
but they can act the same as they always are,
so most of my family consists of guys..
mainly around my age grp ... around meaning within 10 yrs.
so theres a bunch of mid 20 guys drinking with my only girl cousin.. around that age.
then i walk in and see 3-4 little boys running around the house..
and i see my niece [who graduated frm MP last yr] but she was reading so i didnt want to bother her.
then.. those girls who jus came from the PI this summer.
they barley speak english...
before i step into the kitchen i can hear my mom talking about me..
saying how i didnt wanna be there an sht like that
and i thot to myself..WHAT..THE..FCK..
-.- thanks mom,
im now known as... that girl who didnt wanna be here...
i knew i didnt, but i didnt want everyone else to know,
..i walked in and got some food
because if ur filipino and ur at a party.
or if ur at a filipino party,
you gotta eat.
and my mom promised me we'd only be there for a little bit anyway,
as long as i eat...
i was eating and my mom comes down the hall from my grandmas room and was all
' did u say hi to ur grandma yet?'
i thot to myself 'NO. retard.. im sitting here eating..'
i didnt say anything.
but i had a glaring look on my face.
showing her..
how annoyed i was,
there she went talking to the 'family' there
and there i was.. sitting and eating pancit...
i didnt want to talk to anyone because,
wtf would i talk to anyone about.
i finished eating and ron passed by with one of my cousins,
they were gonna play call of duty.
congrats ron, u found a place for urself in this family,
i have yet to know mine....
after throwing away the plate i went to my grandmas room
my grandpa was there..
i hugged the other ppl in the room making my way to grandma 'hi inang' i smiled.
i faced my grandpa and tried hugging him 'hi tatang!'..
he didnt hug back like he always had...
or didnt even say hi back.
.. didnt even look at me.
he just kept eating..
[a brief history, my grandpa fell of the roof one day last month.
was rushed to the hospital
put in intensive care.
his ribs/spinal cord were raptured
they said he wasnt going to make it
made it past hospital to care home
kept saying he was going to die
because delusional for the care of his crops in the backyard
grandma suffered from slight depression and sleep loss,
he was allowed to go home
grandma took him home
they dont share a bed anymore,
at least he can eat
at least she can sleep.
but honestly, taking care of the sick AND old.. is hard,
if ur sick and old...]
like i said,
he just kept eating and staring at his food...
he didnt look at me at all
the other old ladies in the room kept telling him to look at me
and asking him if he remembered me.
maybe i should have visited him more,
..if i wasnt so busy..
i never really got to know him
because he never really spoke
i always said hi and hugged him tho,
that was our means of communication,
besides music.
he saw me with the uke one time and i could tell he was kind of excited.
he is HELLA good at the sax... a passion of his
besides work.
he used to smoke, i think he stopped but im not shure wen he quit.
ron knows alot from him
im jealous of the way ron can be closer to family than me..
and im older...
i thought to myself he had Alzheimer's..
i asked and they said no... it was just sometimes,
but i knew..
it probly is.
which made me extremely sad.
i dont want to get old..
i walked out and back into the kitchen and found my mom talking again to the 'family' in there.
they were talking about driving... [great.. -.-]
and how hazel [new girl frm PI] should learn how to drive,
but how she knows and how the state just tricks the students
because u have to pay for the 2nd test too.. and crap like that
but wen i walked into the room my mom was in the middle of a sentence saying
'you cant survive in the U.S. if you cant drive.' and ended with 'right Leah?'
..
YOU KNOW WHAT. FCK YOU. FCK THE WORLD AND THE US AND FCK THIS FAMILY THAT HAS NO PLACE FOR ME..
..
i quietly left the room..
i wanted to leave the house..
and run to dennis's house, which as only 2 street corners away..
but stopped myself.
because the family wouldve thought i didnt like them.
i do.
i want to fit in
but why cant i..
maybe because i really dont..
maybe i dont want to be one of those types of ppl.
drunk, gambling...
i just dont have anyone to cling to at family parties except ron.
but its different now,
he can do stuff himself
i need him more than he needs me.
i hate that.
and i hate that i cant even fit in this immediate family.
moms too busy for sht like me..
dads... dad ... obviously
and 3 brothers,
thanks...-.-
that leaves me..
and my stuffed animals,
laptop and phone.
because.. no one listens and i cant fit it anyway.
my mom passed me by.
i yanked her arm
and she knew.
she said we were going somewhere else...
so we had to leave.
ron stayed.
because my 2 older brothers were there [drinking...]
we left fairly quickly..
got in the car and went home.
it was a quiet ride home
..
i dont like how..
im an introvert like her... in parties,
i hate parties because theres no where i can fit in..
i dont drink
i dont eat much
i dont gamble
im not that big on karaoke and videogames
i dont cook at those parties
im not good with mingling in that type of setting
or with those type of ppl..
..
i enjoy small random gatherings
where theres no drinking
but we're all having fun anyway.
where
no ones left out..
and we have stuff to talk about.
and either i KNOW you,
or you're getting to know ME...
but thanks world,
for not letting me have those moments,
because i cant even fit in SRL anymore. its so different...
or..
with vlad and dennis.
its totally different,
i dont even talk to vlad anymore.
and dennis....=/
or..
at school,
yea shure i hang out with alot of people
and i know hella ppl...
but i dont exactly...have fun all the time there..
i just sit.
but everyone else HAS their thing
or their 'best friend'
i guess not me...
thats y i dont like going there alot.
because theres nothing to do there
its boring,
theres cliques inside or clique which is STUPID.
im kind of in b/t all of them.
because i dont fit in
thats y i keep myself busy..
and walk around
or play piano... during breaks.
i fit in that way.
...
in FYC.
last tuesday i realized..
without.. jovey or tiffany.
im a loner..
and i cant fit it.
its kinda sad,
i can talk to all of them as a group
[as in.. leading activities night]
but ... no one seems to care about me after that.
no one listens to me, or even bothers to talk to me.
im just there
and its kinda awkward for me
because at break everyone has someone to talk to
except me
and after,
sht man... jam session away.
you guys too, just dance ur butts off..
while i lie on this couch and.....
think.
and txt ppl that i want to kill myself.
because in all honesty
thats how it feels like
to be left out.
to feel as if u cant fit in.
im different.
...
why,
Sunday, November 22, 2009
secret kisses
a secret: something that is not known or seen or is not meant to be known or seen by others..
thats wat our relationship is.
no one should know,
no one should see.
the secret hand holding
under the table..
around the corner
under the jackets,
on the bench or ledge when no ones around
under the stars,
when you walk me home..
-which in my case, im sorry to say that i cant see those stars
im blinded by the fact that people are supposed to blinded...
undercover hand holding,
you know
those kinds of brief little bits of hand touches
like a brush of your hand
or while we exchange an object and our hands stay touching for even a second longer after we're supposed to let go..
let go,
i need to let go...
of you,
and us
and our secret hand holding.
no one should know,
no one should see
the secret kisses
on the couch
in the hallway of my house wen we end up being alone
in the side yard
in my room doorway..
the same secret kisses that take place wen we end up in our best friends room alone,
you know, right after he leaves, we caress each others lips
but we still have enough piece of mind to hear his footsteps coming back
so we can keep it a secret..
the same secret kisses that happen after work, or during.
in the parking lot.
while we talk about our lives
the same secret kisses we share before we get to my houses street corner at 10 or 11 at night
in the dark under those same stars im blinded to see because of the unfairness of the world..
the universe keeps the secrets of the stars from me while i hide those kisses from the everything besides those stars and the night sky.
why! must it all be a secret.
those kisses that hold me in a place where i can close my eyes and not be terrified of the dark
because here,
im attached to someone.
im not afraid,
but then im afraid to let go.
i wouldnt want it to end,
but because its a secret and no one should know
we have to stop.
and act 'normal' , as if...
we didnt love each other.
like you act.. every single day...
as if you didnt love me..
you're either a pretty good actor.
or its not really...
still,
no one should know,
no one should see..
our secret ways of communicating.
the way we have eye contact wenever a hot girl passes by
because i know you're checking her out,
and if i look back at you,
you know if i agree or disagree.
the we have eye contact wenever we see random ass cleavage off some random girl who has ass
because we both know we're looking
but i dont REALLY get jealous because
i know you,
you cant help it.
but i secretly still love you anyway
even if those girls are prettier than me..
because we have a secret.
the way wenever we DO give something to each other, our hands touch
and it feels as if its an eternity,
and i know you feel that too,
because of the way you look at me during that millisecond of eternity
the way we never really have to say iloveyou wen we're around each other..
because our eyes tell each other everything.
they SCREAM iloveyou at each other.
so loud,
no one can hear.
its that much of a secret.
because
no one should know
and no one should see.
our past.
those years went by way to fast,
..
and i dont want those real years to be our last together.
..
your're going away
and it'll be 13 weeks til you get back,
but in all honestly those 10 days youll be back,
wont be enough...
because i KNOW... im only going to be alone with you for probably 5 secret minutes.
and those secret minutes can never possibly fill the gap of my secret longing for you during those 13 weeks of absence.
in short,
dont go.
i secretly want you..
to never leave my side.
but why.
why does it have to be a secret.
i have to keep it in my pocket and never let it show, because
no one should know
and no one should see...
secrets dont make friends tho.
thats all i really know
about secrets,
so are we friends?
i dont know..
no one should know.
thats wat our relationship is.
no one should know,
no one should see.
the secret hand holding
under the table..
around the corner
under the jackets,
on the bench or ledge when no ones around
under the stars,
when you walk me home..
-which in my case, im sorry to say that i cant see those stars
im blinded by the fact that people are supposed to blinded...
undercover hand holding,
you know
those kinds of brief little bits of hand touches
like a brush of your hand
or while we exchange an object and our hands stay touching for even a second longer after we're supposed to let go..
let go,
i need to let go...
of you,
and us
and our secret hand holding.
no one should know,
no one should see
the secret kisses
on the couch
in the hallway of my house wen we end up being alone
in the side yard
in my room doorway..
the same secret kisses that take place wen we end up in our best friends room alone,
you know, right after he leaves, we caress each others lips
but we still have enough piece of mind to hear his footsteps coming back
so we can keep it a secret..
the same secret kisses that happen after work, or during.
in the parking lot.
while we talk about our lives
the same secret kisses we share before we get to my houses street corner at 10 or 11 at night
in the dark under those same stars im blinded to see because of the unfairness of the world..
the universe keeps the secrets of the stars from me while i hide those kisses from the everything besides those stars and the night sky.
why! must it all be a secret.
those kisses that hold me in a place where i can close my eyes and not be terrified of the dark
because here,
im attached to someone.
im not afraid,
but then im afraid to let go.
i wouldnt want it to end,
but because its a secret and no one should know
we have to stop.
and act 'normal' , as if...
we didnt love each other.
like you act.. every single day...
as if you didnt love me..
you're either a pretty good actor.
or its not really...
still,
no one should know,
no one should see..
our secret ways of communicating.
the way we have eye contact wenever a hot girl passes by
because i know you're checking her out,
and if i look back at you,
you know if i agree or disagree.
the we have eye contact wenever we see random ass cleavage off some random girl who has ass
because we both know we're looking
but i dont REALLY get jealous because
i know you,
you cant help it.
but i secretly still love you anyway
even if those girls are prettier than me..
because we have a secret.
the way wenever we DO give something to each other, our hands touch
and it feels as if its an eternity,
and i know you feel that too,
because of the way you look at me during that millisecond of eternity
the way we never really have to say iloveyou wen we're around each other..
because our eyes tell each other everything.
they SCREAM iloveyou at each other.
so loud,
no one can hear.
its that much of a secret.
because
no one should know
and no one should see.
our past.
those years went by way to fast,
..
and i dont want those real years to be our last together.
..
your're going away
and it'll be 13 weeks til you get back,
but in all honestly those 10 days youll be back,
wont be enough...
because i KNOW... im only going to be alone with you for probably 5 secret minutes.
and those secret minutes can never possibly fill the gap of my secret longing for you during those 13 weeks of absence.
in short,
dont go.
i secretly want you..
to never leave my side.
but why.
why does it have to be a secret.
i have to keep it in my pocket and never let it show, because
no one should know
and no one should see...
secrets dont make friends tho.
thats all i really know
about secrets,
so are we friends?
i dont know..
no one should know.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
you know wat the worse part of it is?
i found your ______.
and im too afraid to _____,
because i dont want you to stop ______.
but i really want to know __________ is.
and i want to know who you're _________.
and maybe i should stop thinking about ______,
because im only getting worse.
i cant sleep.
i cant help it,
now i dug myself into a deeper hole.
and i cant get out.
dammit.
why do u have to be confusing.
u know,
i want it gone,
i wish i never wouldve found your _______
or that ________
because...
i cant sleep....
and i know i go around in circles,
because I DO.
..
thats how my head works.
and my minds not letting me sleep now because of it.
and im too afraid to _____,
because i dont want you to stop ______.
but i really want to know __________ is.
and i want to know who you're _________.
and maybe i should stop thinking about ______,
because im only getting worse.
i cant sleep.
i cant help it,
now i dug myself into a deeper hole.
and i cant get out.
dammit.
why do u have to be confusing.
u know,
i want it gone,
i wish i never wouldve found your _______
or that ________
because...
i cant sleep....
and i know i go around in circles,
because I DO.
..
thats how my head works.
and my minds not letting me sleep now because of it.
i have a headache
because i think too much
and i do too much
...
main problems/dilemmas/worries/blahs...;
1- college apps;
i turned in SJSU SFSU CSUMB CSUEB and UOP..
yet to turn in BERKLEE, SFC [?], SC...[othermusiccolleges?]
..
to do list;
send in transcripts [copy address's bring to mr flores]
ACT,SAT scores [ sent? o.o check ]
set up audition dates for all [email dr mok for SJSU]
learn audition songs for all
type up Artistic Resume
Berklee = 14 short answers + essay...
look up past works [ all classical repertoire in high school that ive played ]
find recommenders..
[ugh, i know im missing some >< ]
2- winter concert
i play 8 songs, [40% of the concert]
with, i would like to say optional, solo piece,
but i want to decline the solo piece... 8 is too much..
and i still have to 'learn' two of them...
songs;
ode to beethoven [to learn]
joshua fit the battle of jericho [:D]
dont stop believin [memorized]
through fire and flames [x.x]
double trouble [to learn]
can you hear the bells [to 'perfect']
all i want for christmas is you [memorized]
christmas on broadway [to 'perfect']
3- school...
i cant seem to wake up in the morning,
i dont look forward to school at all anymore,
i dont even feel like i have friends i can really hang out with...
i dont ...
i cant seem to find a place where im not bored..
its just not getting to me anymore
i cant seem to grasp the concept that this is my last yr here and should enjoy it..
i dont seem to get that i need to stop waking up late.
my body doesnt seem to understand that school starts at 8:30...><
hm...
you already know about my first 2 classes.. they're stressful because of the concert coming up in a week and half..
psych isnt bad, i like it..its easy,
i know wats going on
its pretty easy to concentrate in that class [ besides the fact that ppl talk in the back and are really ANNOYING ]
its fun too, i like wat im learning,
i seem to be procrastinating in english, alot.
i think its of habit from last yr..
i wish i didnt,
im supposed to be an 'AP' student, but im taking regular english
and i have a C.
WTF does that tell you about me..
/= im a horrible person...
i just dont enjoy it as much as lovato got me to enjoy it.
no lie, i LOVE mrs robinsons class,
but im just.. really out of it in there,
calculus is killing me,
i dont understand integration..
its like chinese to me..
and i can barely read tagalog.
hm...
deriving is my comfort zone,
and id rather not step out of it...
during this stressful time.
great timing again calculus.. =[
i need to start concentrating in this class...
but if i could only see the DAM BOARD....
i hate my vision
its so...stupid..
it.. prevents me from flourishing .
.not only in calc,
but in alot of things...
i bet you, if i could see... it could help me concentrate,
and id be on that top 15,
and itd be one less thing to worry about...
im somewhat sorta lost in govt.
i get it,
i understand it
i know wats going on in that class.
..
its just hard for me to memorize it
or recall the answers.
im paying attention i swear,
but even if i do study,
i dont know who is what... and wen was wat or where.
.. it doesnt stick to me
..
4- kasama
im really glad heritage week is over,
but...cmon guys,
im doing those fckin worshops for YOU,
im spending MY time.
after school for YOU.
but you guys dont even give a damn,
you wanted it,
here it is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
and u dont go.
how is that supposed to make me feel?
u know what?
i even tell you guys to go to FYC,
and u dont...
how is THAT supposed to make me feel?
my officers cant even.. ugh,
im not even gonna start,
at least some ppl DO their respective jobs on time.
i thank you 2.
but honestly.
its a responsibility issue on your part,
watch,
ima put u guys in charge of something
and purposely let you guys FAIL.
so you can fcking see what you're doing.
i dont want to do everything,
im not supposed to,
you're supposed to be helping.
jsrks...
one day,
you'll see ..
maybe i should stop going to FYC,
so we wont be in battle,
it wont be my fault.
itd be all yours,
all of YOU guys. would be to blame,
ive done my job,
ive done my part,
but you guys dont care.
you're all just selfish.
..
kasama;
we're suppoesd to do this all together,
im trying to teach you,
but a teacher cant teach without students,
i respect and praise those of you who actually come,
but.. no one else seems to care,
so why continue?
so thanks,
i love kasama and all,
but one of these days ima just quit.
and we'll see how bad it gets w/o me..
ill keep doing workshops even if its just me,
because i AM dedicated to this club ...
because thats how ive always been,
im dedicated and committed..
even if it'll kill me,
or harm my health..
its always been like that.
its always something else first,
then me.
becuase i dont see anyone else put me first...
ever,
.. i dont deserve to be first anyway.
because im even second to myself... or third or..fourth..or fifth.....
5- love life
awww cmon,
im not even supposed to be worrying about stupid sht like this..
im lost..
really,
i have no idea wat to do,
no idea where to go
who to talk to
who to run to
who to... love.
who to like,
what to act like
..
wat the fck do i do..
do i continue this stupid.. friends with benefits thing. .thats been going on for a while....
or do i just say no the nest time he tries to kiss me...
or should i ask him if he wants to be.. yea RIGHT. ..he'll probably say no.
or maybe i should ask for all my money to be paid back..
i should stop loving him,
but i cant.
or i can, but the kisses always confuse me.
.. i dont like confusion.
do i continue trying to go for him?
or should i just stop and leave him alone, because i think im annoying him and he probably doesnt like me anyway.. he might like someone else now or should i tell him im getting over or trying to get over the other person.
or should i ask him about that girl he likes to hug...
or should i call him..... no... should i? ...eh.. ><
do i continue acting all nice to this guy?
or.. tell him i only want to be friends with him.. not anything more... hes a nice guy and all, but i dont think id want anything more that a friendship with him... but its hard because that class is something i love... but it kinda bothers me.. that i have to be.. 'mean'?
do i get to know him?
or is it juts going to be even more confusing.... so i shouldnt talk to him because maybe he has a girl in his mind anyway and i should leave him be.. and dont make him worry about me.. maybe its just another random stupid FYC crush.
do i even really need to care about all this?
or should i just give up love and liking someone and guys altogether for now and just worry about now.
impossible,
its everywhere
everyday.
every second.
renewed every weekend.
subdued every night.
reborn every morning..
...
but i gotta fight it,
and make shure,
i know what i want.
right now,
i dont know..
right now im still figuring stuff out,
i just hope it wont be too late wen i do know wat i want...
its
going
by
too
fast...
6- family
ahh,, family.
...
basically,
ppl need learn how to listen to each other.
respect each other.
and actually treat family.
like their own damn FAMILY.
...thas all i gotta say,
7- friends.
hah,
wat friends.
besides
SRL...
...
ron
eric
dennis..
jovey
kuya jeff
tiffany
who else do i really have.
... i need to make some schedules
... i need to think about wat i really want
... i need to relax..
... i need a break.
and i do too much
...
main problems/dilemmas/worries/blahs...;
1- college apps;
i turned in SJSU SFSU CSUMB CSUEB and UOP..
yet to turn in BERKLEE, SFC [?], SC...[othermusiccolleges?]
..
to do list;
send in transcripts [copy address's bring to mr flores]
ACT,SAT scores [ sent? o.o check ]
set up audition dates for all [email dr mok for SJSU]
learn audition songs for all
type up Artistic Resume
Berklee = 14 short answers + essay...
look up past works [ all classical repertoire in high school that ive played ]
find recommenders..
[ugh, i know im missing some >< ]
2- winter concert
i play 8 songs, [40% of the concert]
with, i would like to say optional, solo piece,
but i want to decline the solo piece... 8 is too much..
and i still have to 'learn' two of them...
songs;
ode to beethoven [to learn]
joshua fit the battle of jericho [:D]
dont stop believin [memorized]
through fire and flames [x.x]
double trouble [to learn]
can you hear the bells [to 'perfect']
all i want for christmas is you [memorized]
christmas on broadway [to 'perfect']
3- school...
i cant seem to wake up in the morning,
i dont look forward to school at all anymore,
i dont even feel like i have friends i can really hang out with...
i dont ...
i cant seem to find a place where im not bored..
its just not getting to me anymore
i cant seem to grasp the concept that this is my last yr here and should enjoy it..
i dont seem to get that i need to stop waking up late.
my body doesnt seem to understand that school starts at 8:30...><
hm...
you already know about my first 2 classes.. they're stressful because of the concert coming up in a week and half..
psych isnt bad, i like it..its easy,
i know wats going on
its pretty easy to concentrate in that class [ besides the fact that ppl talk in the back and are really ANNOYING ]
its fun too, i like wat im learning,
i seem to be procrastinating in english, alot.
i think its of habit from last yr..
i wish i didnt,
im supposed to be an 'AP' student, but im taking regular english
and i have a C.
WTF does that tell you about me..
/= im a horrible person...
i just dont enjoy it as much as lovato got me to enjoy it.
no lie, i LOVE mrs robinsons class,
but im just.. really out of it in there,
calculus is killing me,
i dont understand integration..
its like chinese to me..
and i can barely read tagalog.
hm...
deriving is my comfort zone,
and id rather not step out of it...
during this stressful time.
great timing again calculus.. =[
i need to start concentrating in this class...
but if i could only see the DAM BOARD....
i hate my vision
its so...stupid..
it.. prevents me from flourishing .
.not only in calc,
but in alot of things...
i bet you, if i could see... it could help me concentrate,
and id be on that top 15,
and itd be one less thing to worry about...
im somewhat sorta lost in govt.
i get it,
i understand it
i know wats going on in that class.
..
its just hard for me to memorize it
or recall the answers.
im paying attention i swear,
but even if i do study,
i dont know who is what... and wen was wat or where.
.. it doesnt stick to me
..
4- kasama
im really glad heritage week is over,
but...cmon guys,
im doing those fckin worshops for YOU,
im spending MY time.
after school for YOU.
but you guys dont even give a damn,
you wanted it,
here it is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
and u dont go.
how is that supposed to make me feel?
u know what?
i even tell you guys to go to FYC,
and u dont...
how is THAT supposed to make me feel?
my officers cant even.. ugh,
im not even gonna start,
at least some ppl DO their respective jobs on time.
i thank you 2.
but honestly.
its a responsibility issue on your part,
watch,
ima put u guys in charge of something
and purposely let you guys FAIL.
so you can fcking see what you're doing.
i dont want to do everything,
im not supposed to,
you're supposed to be helping.
jsrks...
one day,
you'll see ..
maybe i should stop going to FYC,
so we wont be in battle,
it wont be my fault.
itd be all yours,
all of YOU guys. would be to blame,
ive done my job,
ive done my part,
but you guys dont care.
you're all just selfish.
..
kasama;
we're suppoesd to do this all together,
im trying to teach you,
but a teacher cant teach without students,
i respect and praise those of you who actually come,
but.. no one else seems to care,
so why continue?
so thanks,
i love kasama and all,
but one of these days ima just quit.
and we'll see how bad it gets w/o me..
ill keep doing workshops even if its just me,
because i AM dedicated to this club ...
because thats how ive always been,
im dedicated and committed..
even if it'll kill me,
or harm my health..
its always been like that.
its always something else first,
then me.
becuase i dont see anyone else put me first...
ever,
.. i dont deserve to be first anyway.
because im even second to myself... or third or..fourth..or fifth.....
5- love life
awww cmon,
im not even supposed to be worrying about stupid sht like this..
im lost..
really,
i have no idea wat to do,
no idea where to go
who to talk to
who to run to
who to... love.
who to like,
what to act like
..
wat the fck do i do..
do i continue this stupid.. friends with benefits thing. .thats been going on for a while....
or do i just say no the nest time he tries to kiss me...
or should i ask him if he wants to be.. yea RIGHT. ..he'll probably say no.
or maybe i should ask for all my money to be paid back..
i should stop loving him,
but i cant.
or i can, but the kisses always confuse me.
.. i dont like confusion.
do i continue trying to go for him?
or should i just stop and leave him alone, because i think im annoying him and he probably doesnt like me anyway.. he might like someone else now or should i tell him im getting over or trying to get over the other person.
or should i ask him about that girl he likes to hug...
or should i call him..... no... should i? ...eh.. ><
do i continue acting all nice to this guy?
or.. tell him i only want to be friends with him.. not anything more... hes a nice guy and all, but i dont think id want anything more that a friendship with him... but its hard because that class is something i love... but it kinda bothers me.. that i have to be.. 'mean'?
do i get to know him?
or is it juts going to be even more confusing.... so i shouldnt talk to him because maybe he has a girl in his mind anyway and i should leave him be.. and dont make him worry about me.. maybe its just another random stupid FYC crush.
do i even really need to care about all this?
or should i just give up love and liking someone and guys altogether for now and just worry about now.
impossible,
its everywhere
everyday.
every second.
renewed every weekend.
subdued every night.
reborn every morning..
...
but i gotta fight it,
and make shure,
i know what i want.
right now,
i dont know..
right now im still figuring stuff out,
i just hope it wont be too late wen i do know wat i want...
its
going
by
too
fast...
6- family
ahh,, family.
...
basically,
ppl need learn how to listen to each other.
respect each other.
and actually treat family.
like their own damn FAMILY.
...thas all i gotta say,
7- friends.
hah,
wat friends.
besides
SRL...
...
ron
eric
dennis..
jovey
kuya jeff
tiffany
who else do i really have.
... i need to make some schedules
... i need to think about wat i really want
... i need to relax..
... i need a break.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
its kinda sad,
its kinda sad knowing that i tried killing myself once,
its kinda sad how it obviously didnt work..
its kinda sad how when i yell,
my parents yell back telling me to stop yelling.
its kinda sad how they cant even understand me
because of their broken english and
'pruits' and weird ass pronunciations.
its kinda sad how most filipinos dont know where they came from
and its kinda sad how they wear those shirts but dont know wtf it means,
if you dont know what it means, dont wear it.
dumbass,
its kinda sad how ppl are alienated in a school full of people.
its supposed to be a safe place.
not a place for cliques and shit.
its kinda sad how discrimination is still happening.
even at schools.
its kinda sad how people can be so closed minded that they cant even get their shit straight.
its kinda sad how people cant seem to understand one another
because they are so closed minded.
and they fight,
and it may or may not lead to death,
..
but all they had to do was take a minute to understand.
its kinda sad how kids these days drink
or smoke
they have a whole life ahead of them.
its kinda sad how they know they have lives ahead of them yet they still do it anyway,
they're just too blinded to see it more clearly.
see,
its kinda sad how people say their blind when they're not when they can see just fine or they want glasses just for the hell of it
when there are people who need them. or who really CANT see..
its kinda sad when the people who want to be
make fun of those who cant help it.
because
its kinda sad how it was part of their lives without choice.
its kinda sad how i need to memorize my songs because i dont like using my bifocal lenses on the piano in choir class because people might make fun of me.
its kinda sad how ppl used to make fun of me.
its still sad how im afraid people might make fun of me
its kinda sad how im not heard unless i yell
and its still kinda sad how even if i do yell, they dont really hear me.
it jus gets
quiet.
its kinda sad how i like it wen it seems like people are listening even if their not because
i dont really get that alot.
its kinda sad how i always want to be heard.
its kinda sad how family wont even listen to me.
its kinda sad how some friends dont even really care,
yet
its kinda sad how when somethings wrong people care, but wen i just wanna say something they dont.
maybe thats y i make big deals of things,
or get frustrated or mad or angry or sad easily,
i need attention..
its kinda sad how i still dont get much attention.
its kinda sad how people think that smart quiet one.
wen i can be loud and stupid too.
not that i want to be known as stupid,
i just dont ONLY wanna be seen as smart... or quiet.
its kinda sad how people make fun of other people w/o realizing it.
w/o both sides realizing it....
but a 3rd party sees it.
its kinda sad how wenever LOVE appears in my mind or i hear it or see it...
i think of one person
its kinda sad how wenever LOVE appears i dont think of God or the Bible or family...
i think of him...
its kinda sad how wenever LOVE happens to cross my mind,
he crosses it at the same exact time
causing a collision of feelings and emotions both happy and sad.
its sad.
well, its kinda sad watching me try to get over him countless times,
yet fail...every single time.
its kinda sad watching myself fail because ive fallen back in love with him.
its kinda sad how im afraid of having someone else to hold and be happy with because i wouldnt wanna hurt them if i fall back in love with him.
[[ its kinda sad how i like him, ive liked him and im too afraid to do anything about it.. because i dont want to hurt him..
but its kinda sad how i talk to him almost every night anyway ...
its kinda sad how im not even sure he realizes i like him, altho to me its pretty obvious. eh, maybe not to him.
its kinda sad how wen im on the phone with him, there are long silences and then i realize that its the type of love SHIHAN talks about,
teenagers really DO talk on the phone for hours not saying SHIT.
its kinda sad how.. i could love him.
its kinda sad how sometimes i think maybe i should give up...
but its kinda sad how im so attached.
its kinda sad how i think of him alot, even tho i think of HIM too...
its kinda sad how maybe... im falling for someone again,
its kinda sad how im afraid..]]
its kinda sad how i cant seem to let go, even tho all this time ive been trying to
its kinda sad how it always seems to head back in his direction.
because hes always there,
because he comes back to me..
its kinda sad how im sad about being in love with him.
nowadays.
its kinda sad how im sad about being in love.
i mean, isnt love supposed to be happy.
especially relationship wise...
its it supposed to be the one thing a teenager really wants?
besides money.... and success?
i mean,
EVERYBODY wants to find someone to love.
and hold
and cherish.
.. to love
its kinda sad how everytime i see him,
i love him
and everytime hes gone,
im depressed about being so obsessed with him.
its kinda sad how im obsessed.
you see,
i try to oppress my obsession by having a talk session almost every night
with a potential.... *cough
since freshman yr.
but.. i cant seem to do anything because of my obsession.
its kinda sad how there could be someone else.
but its kinda sad how it could be too late...
its kinda sad how he knew... and he 'couldnt' because he knew HE was always there....
its kinda sad how i like him...
but i love HIM.
its kinda sad that maybe im taking this the wrong way.
maybe i can love HIM like... a brother [ew] or something like that.
and start liking him more.....
but ... hmmm,
its kinda sad how i cant let go.
u know,
of my first love ..
man i just want to shove him out of my head.
but he just keeps holding my hand.
and kissing me
its kinda sad how i wait.
wait for him
wait for me
wait for ...
rides home
around 6pm after daylight savings
u know
when its all dark and cold and shit.
its kinda sad how when my mom says 10 min she really means 30..
or if she says 30 min she really means an hour.
its kinda sad how she works too much for her own good.
its kinda sad how im doing the same.
its kinda sad how i dont want to be like my mom because i want a family that is based on family..
not income.
its kinda sad how dad doesnt really help much.
and its kinda sad how he forgets.
how he forgets my birthday
my brothers birthday
my moms birthday,
i remember a couple yrs ago it was their 25th yr wedding anniversary.
mom was so excited.
...
but he didnt do SHIT.
he forgot.
she cried
hard that night.
.. its kinda sad watching your mom cry
its kinda sad knowing it was your dads fault.
its kinda sad hearing them fight and not know wat to do besides IMing or txting ur lil bro and asking if hes ok...
its kinda sad how wed hide in his room until they stop, then go outside and watch TV so they wont start again
its kinda sad how mom wont get a divorce.
its kinda sad how divorce is taking over the world.
its kinda sad how ppl dont think they're able to help the world out.
even tho every little thing counts.
its kinda sad how ppl are starving to death every day
but i still see ppl throw food away...
take wat you can eat.
..no more.
its kinda sad how no can mean yes to some people you know,
i know you heard it before,
'yes means yes and no means yes'
wtf,
NO, means no.
if you dont know that,
i dont even know what to say to you...
its kinda sad how people dont know how to speak up
or speak for themselves.
its kinda sad how i used to be one of those people.
its kinda sad seeing those people struggle.
its kinda sad how i dont do much about it,
i try tho.
its kinda sad how ..
people cheat,
gf/bf.. tests.. games...
in the end ur just cheating urself.
its kinda sad cheating on a gf/bf.. and then asking for forgivness and the same love...
wtf man.
it was ur choice,
u did it,
and u need to learn ur lesson,bye.
its kinda sad how they dont understand wat bye means.
its kinda sad how wen u cheat on quizzes and shit its ok because u know all the right answers n u pass
but its kinda sad how wen u take the test u have nothing to cheat with so you fail
and u wonder y u failed or got a bad grade.
its kinda sad how u win the game, but u cheated.
u didnt really win the game
ur the biggest loser alive.
its still kinda sad how people cant speak up
its kinda sad how ppl probly wont read this
so i choose to say it out loud.
to this crowd.
cuz you see,
i want people to hear it
all of it.
because its better than watching a movie,
you get more morals than your mom can handle.
its kinda sad how half ya'll missed it.
heres what i dont want you to miss,..
dont worry,
just be happy.
its kinda sad how it obviously didnt work..
its kinda sad how when i yell,
my parents yell back telling me to stop yelling.
its kinda sad how they cant even understand me
because of their broken english and
'pruits' and weird ass pronunciations.
its kinda sad how most filipinos dont know where they came from
and its kinda sad how they wear those shirts but dont know wtf it means,
if you dont know what it means, dont wear it.
dumbass,
its kinda sad how ppl are alienated in a school full of people.
its supposed to be a safe place.
not a place for cliques and shit.
its kinda sad how discrimination is still happening.
even at schools.
its kinda sad how people can be so closed minded that they cant even get their shit straight.
its kinda sad how people cant seem to understand one another
because they are so closed minded.
and they fight,
and it may or may not lead to death,
..
but all they had to do was take a minute to understand.
its kinda sad how kids these days drink
or smoke
they have a whole life ahead of them.
its kinda sad how they know they have lives ahead of them yet they still do it anyway,
they're just too blinded to see it more clearly.
see,
its kinda sad how people say their blind when they're not when they can see just fine or they want glasses just for the hell of it
when there are people who need them. or who really CANT see..
its kinda sad when the people who want to be
make fun of those who cant help it.
because
its kinda sad how it was part of their lives without choice.
its kinda sad how i need to memorize my songs because i dont like using my bifocal lenses on the piano in choir class because people might make fun of me.
its kinda sad how ppl used to make fun of me.
its still sad how im afraid people might make fun of me
its kinda sad how im not heard unless i yell
and its still kinda sad how even if i do yell, they dont really hear me.
it jus gets
quiet.
its kinda sad how i like it wen it seems like people are listening even if their not because
i dont really get that alot.
its kinda sad how i always want to be heard.
its kinda sad how family wont even listen to me.
its kinda sad how some friends dont even really care,
yet
its kinda sad how when somethings wrong people care, but wen i just wanna say something they dont.
maybe thats y i make big deals of things,
or get frustrated or mad or angry or sad easily,
i need attention..
its kinda sad how i still dont get much attention.
its kinda sad how people think that smart quiet one.
wen i can be loud and stupid too.
not that i want to be known as stupid,
i just dont ONLY wanna be seen as smart... or quiet.
its kinda sad how people make fun of other people w/o realizing it.
w/o both sides realizing it....
but a 3rd party sees it.
its kinda sad how wenever LOVE appears in my mind or i hear it or see it...
i think of one person
its kinda sad how wenever LOVE appears i dont think of God or the Bible or family...
i think of him...
its kinda sad how wenever LOVE happens to cross my mind,
he crosses it at the same exact time
causing a collision of feelings and emotions both happy and sad.
its sad.
well, its kinda sad watching me try to get over him countless times,
yet fail...every single time.
its kinda sad watching myself fail because ive fallen back in love with him.
its kinda sad how im afraid of having someone else to hold and be happy with because i wouldnt wanna hurt them if i fall back in love with him.
[[ its kinda sad how i like him, ive liked him and im too afraid to do anything about it.. because i dont want to hurt him..
but its kinda sad how i talk to him almost every night anyway ...
its kinda sad how im not even sure he realizes i like him, altho to me its pretty obvious. eh, maybe not to him.
its kinda sad how wen im on the phone with him, there are long silences and then i realize that its the type of love SHIHAN talks about,
teenagers really DO talk on the phone for hours not saying SHIT.
its kinda sad how.. i could love him.
its kinda sad how sometimes i think maybe i should give up...
but its kinda sad how im so attached.
its kinda sad how i think of him alot, even tho i think of HIM too...
its kinda sad how maybe... im falling for someone again,
its kinda sad how im afraid..]]
its kinda sad how i cant seem to let go, even tho all this time ive been trying to
its kinda sad how it always seems to head back in his direction.
because hes always there,
because he comes back to me..
its kinda sad how im sad about being in love with him.
nowadays.
its kinda sad how im sad about being in love.
i mean, isnt love supposed to be happy.
especially relationship wise...
its it supposed to be the one thing a teenager really wants?
besides money.... and success?
i mean,
EVERYBODY wants to find someone to love.
and hold
and cherish.
.. to love
its kinda sad how everytime i see him,
i love him
and everytime hes gone,
im depressed about being so obsessed with him.
its kinda sad how im obsessed.
you see,
i try to oppress my obsession by having a talk session almost every night
with a potential.... *cough
since freshman yr.
but.. i cant seem to do anything because of my obsession.
its kinda sad how there could be someone else.
but its kinda sad how it could be too late...
its kinda sad how he knew... and he 'couldnt' because he knew HE was always there....
its kinda sad how i like him...
but i love HIM.
its kinda sad that maybe im taking this the wrong way.
maybe i can love HIM like... a brother [ew] or something like that.
and start liking him more.....
but ... hmmm,
its kinda sad how i cant let go.
u know,
of my first love ..
man i just want to shove him out of my head.
but he just keeps holding my hand.
and kissing me
its kinda sad how i wait.
wait for him
wait for me
wait for ...
rides home
around 6pm after daylight savings
u know
when its all dark and cold and shit.
its kinda sad how when my mom says 10 min she really means 30..
or if she says 30 min she really means an hour.
its kinda sad how she works too much for her own good.
its kinda sad how im doing the same.
its kinda sad how i dont want to be like my mom because i want a family that is based on family..
not income.
its kinda sad how dad doesnt really help much.
and its kinda sad how he forgets.
how he forgets my birthday
my brothers birthday
my moms birthday,
i remember a couple yrs ago it was their 25th yr wedding anniversary.
mom was so excited.
...
but he didnt do SHIT.
he forgot.
she cried
hard that night.
.. its kinda sad watching your mom cry
its kinda sad knowing it was your dads fault.
its kinda sad hearing them fight and not know wat to do besides IMing or txting ur lil bro and asking if hes ok...
its kinda sad how wed hide in his room until they stop, then go outside and watch TV so they wont start again
its kinda sad how mom wont get a divorce.
its kinda sad how divorce is taking over the world.
its kinda sad how ppl dont think they're able to help the world out.
even tho every little thing counts.
its kinda sad how ppl are starving to death every day
but i still see ppl throw food away...
take wat you can eat.
..no more.
its kinda sad how no can mean yes to some people you know,
i know you heard it before,
'yes means yes and no means yes'
wtf,
NO, means no.
if you dont know that,
i dont even know what to say to you...
its kinda sad how people dont know how to speak up
or speak for themselves.
its kinda sad how i used to be one of those people.
its kinda sad seeing those people struggle.
its kinda sad how i dont do much about it,
i try tho.
its kinda sad how ..
people cheat,
gf/bf.. tests.. games...
in the end ur just cheating urself.
its kinda sad cheating on a gf/bf.. and then asking for forgivness and the same love...
wtf man.
it was ur choice,
u did it,
and u need to learn ur lesson,bye.
its kinda sad how they dont understand wat bye means.
its kinda sad how wen u cheat on quizzes and shit its ok because u know all the right answers n u pass
but its kinda sad how wen u take the test u have nothing to cheat with so you fail
and u wonder y u failed or got a bad grade.
its kinda sad how u win the game, but u cheated.
u didnt really win the game
ur the biggest loser alive.
its still kinda sad how people cant speak up
its kinda sad how ppl probly wont read this
so i choose to say it out loud.
to this crowd.
cuz you see,
i want people to hear it
all of it.
because its better than watching a movie,
you get more morals than your mom can handle.
its kinda sad how half ya'll missed it.
heres what i dont want you to miss,..
dont worry,
just be happy.
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