enough already

OMG.
i want it to be over with,
i wanna be DONE with this.

i dont want anything to do w/ it anymore.
gah -.-

i dont wanna touch it, smell it, feel it or see it.
DAMMIT.
GO AWAY !

i dont want any part of this sht anymore.

but i am,



im part of it.
ive been part of it,
since the beginning.
they wouldnt be in first w/o me [at least for the most part]


honestly,
i jus realized im doing it because its a motivational thing.

I want to win.

thats it,

thats y im doing this.
thats all.


WTF !
thats it?
i wanna win?

thats a stupid reason to be spending all my monday, tuesday and wednesday afternoons in a building that half the time, im a loner,
thats a stupid reason to be stressing over being head of a committee of ppl who obviously dont want to be there and arent doing sht,
thats a stupid reason to be stressing over skit and recording and practices,
its a stupid reason to give up my weekend,
a stupid reason to every event i can to get extra points,
winning is a stupid reason to not be able to be home with family [even tho they're never home either]
its a stupid reason to miss out on SRL days- the tradition..,
its a stupid reason to not go to work and know that if i dont work, i cant accomplish my dream and to not go to work, even tho i know im DAM broke and i know need money and sht ! its a stupid reason to mess with my future dream,
its a stupid reason to be coming home late and not doing my hw and sht because im so tired afterwards,
and a stupid reason to be lazy to do everything else, even tho i know if i put it off, its only gonna hurt me....

but apparently, i find winning more important than basically my life...

thats y im doing this.

because im motivated to win.
and apparently,
winning is my only motivation.


ever since i knew i couldnt go to boston this summer because of STUPID money issues and because the person i was going with obviously didnt want to go...
i gave up.

i was stupid having that dream.
i guess i knew deep down i couldnt do it.


but for that short 3 month period of time, i finally thot i could go.
go there.
go where ive ALWAYS wanted to be,

but those 3 months are gone.
and times change.

and for some reason.
theres no point anymore.

im not going.
i dont have enough money.

i dont have time to compose songs,
i have hella other sht to worry about.

so ill jus put aside my dreams.

and just focus on winning,

because nothing else can motivate me.
at least, for the next 2 weeks.
thats wat'll motivate me.


after that.
i have no idea where ill be going w/ life.

my summer came to an end before it started.

and senior yr looks like sht to me now.

nothing to look forward to.


wat happened to me?
where did i go?

y am i like this now?

i have no fckin idea...
all i know is,
i wanna win.

but ppl are keeping me frm winning,
DAMMIT and if u wanted to change hella sht maybe we shoulda started wen WE GOT THE FCKIN THEME.
or shoulda made them come wen we wrote it.

i WASTED MY FCKIN afternoon recording.
the same afternoon i promised my friend id watch her last track meet.

the same friend who i denied to hangout with today because of practice.
the same friend who helped me out w/ selling shirt.

im sorry.

i hate this.
you helped me.

and i let u down.

and BECAUSE im so busy,
i lost one of closest friends.
apparently,
he thinks that if he was really important to me,
id hang out w/ him more or talk to him more.
and i guess its over now.
i lost my closest friend.
ive known him since 4th grade.

and it ends because i wanted to win.


my family's falling apart.
brother complains about being alone.
because everyones gone all the time.
he cuts.

he tried suicide.


im afraid.
to leave him alone.

but im never home
because i wanna win,

i wish there was an alternative way.
im scared for him.

i miss him.
he changed.
ever since i went into sophomore yr.
it went away.
the bonding.
the brother sister moments
the smiles.
the pictures.
the hugs.
...
the laughing.

speaking to each other normally.


it went away.

i havent spoken to him in 2 days.
and i havent REALLY spoken to him since that one time,

then it ended in fighting.


it all went away.





btw,
ive heard all this stuff before;
in my mind. [i think im going crazy]


dont complain u dont have time to do stuff, u should prioritize.

i chose wat to do didnt i?
dont u think i know i should prioritize.
im jus hard headed.



motivation?
thats all u need to do something?
maybe you should do the important things first.

like wat?
how could u do something w/o being motivated to do it.
how can u get urself to do things w/o wanting to.
or having to....


really?
winning?
thats it?
wat happens if u lose?

ima fckin die.

...



i know winning isnt everything.
but its all im really doing this for.

so for me,
winning is something im planning on doing.


i want it over with.
but im afraid that,
wen its over...


i wont be able to find motivation.