ive been thinking alot lately.
ive found so many differences in things..
theres a difference b/t knowing someone and KNOWING someone.
for ex; "oh yea, i know her...."
and...
"omg, i knew her since like elementary school"
or...
"heyyy, [= i know her, shes my best friend"
... iono where im going lol,
or like...
the difference b/t flirting and playing around.
x.x
theres some type of thin line b/t there..
anyways...
the point is...
im lonely D=
lol,
kinda stupid, but..yea
i can see the difference b/t.
wanting and needing.
hm,
iono,
im jus guessIng that maybe i Want to have A relatioNship. buT maybe noT. ionO...mAybe im juS suffering from liKe relastioNship withdrAwl or someThing likE that. hmm, im Very confused and weIrd. LoL mAybe i caN go aroUnd asking for eVeryones number. nAhhhh. thats stupid.. and making myself look easy. iono who to Talk tO about this either. theres a good side and bad side to this. ehhh, ill talk more about this later. i feel like sleeping. and i keep thinking about PROM. [iono if i should do it..~onlyforpplwhogotthismessage...]
anyways.
how should i go about dealing with this problem.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
today.
im just going to talk about my day.
in sorta full depth?
so,
today i woke up at about 6:30/7am. to get ready to go to stanford, for this filipino leadership conference.
"PYLC" from the filipino club at stanford PASU. [if u kinda want a gist- its kinda like RAAP, from SJSU's Akbayan]
anyway.
yea,
kuya jeff picked me up,
then we went to get omar.
ahaha, stupid signal.
uhm,
then we went there and talked about shizzz.
once we got to palo alto,
we made a wrong turn x.x and hella like,
started driving towards like, a landfill?
x.x so we went the other way and ended up going the right way...
but once we got into stanford x.x we got lost again,
stupid big campus.
XD
we ended up going on embarcadero? and me and omar like... walked from there x.x
at least we dint get lost :D
it was funny,
we were like trying to ask for directions from the ppl, but they were either like...running x.x or like on a bike.
EVERYONE, for real.
we got lucky wen we saw these 2 girls and a guy walking x.x
and we asked them.
ahaha.
we explored a little around the library, and that cool red fountain and weird metal structure thing.
then went to the 'old union...' place.
so we got there i gave my permission slip.
and he showed ID and blah.
we got folders!!
yellow.
we went inside,
and there was like...
water and muffin/crescant. stuff.
[=
then they wrote our smallgroup number, meeting place and name of leader in our folder.
and we picked our workshops.
:D
mine was SmallGroup 1. ConferenceRoom. Donna _____. [cant remember last name right now]
workshopRound1 - gendermorphisis.
workshopRound2- Sticks to your bones. [im not exactly shure if thats exactly wat it was...x.x]
anyways.
me and omar sat like...
in a corner.
D= some dude was showing off piano/singing skills,
he was pretty good.
[we sat on the opposite side] thinking like... we're cool on THIS side.
he finished his blueberry muffin and water.
i jus got a waterbottle.
hm,
then some type of role call,
there was like westmont/point [notshure]
then...balboa.
fremont
some other schools from like, daly city. san fransisco. and fresno!!!
and random middleschools.
they dint call out MP =[
uhm.
intro, info, keynotespeaker x.x
hella talked long, omar said she was 'hot'
hah,
uhm then workshopRound1.
GENDERMORPHISIS;
icebreaker; human knot.
we got into groups and looked thru this slideshow.
we got the mac laptop :D
but its like different from mine.
iono it like changes screen wen u like move the mouse ro a corner D=
lol i felt noob.
it was cool;
looking at it thru our point of view,
then mom/dad,
then lola...and stuff....
lol funny stories ><
'whos THAT happy buying oranges?'
then, comparing traits of females and males,
that was fun...
x.x
'driving'... 'horny'....'aggressive'....'liars' weird -.-
lol, it was like a genderfight.
i learned that like... alota those traits are shared and some are good leadership qualities.
then...
understanding sexualities...
hetero! bisexual, beastiality, asexual, homosexual. pansexual. etc....x.x
thennn,
issues in our own community regarding gender.
like,
same sex marriage.
wages.
and how guys generally get to go out more than girls ><
then LUNCH :D
it was subway.
x.x
so i ate at another place w/ this girl from fresno.
theres this grp of girls me and omar made friends w/
x.x
cuz we were like the only ppl from here.
some ppl we met dint even know where sanjose was !!!! surprising x.x
actually i met some 8thgrader from lava.XD random.
so lunch... we went into the store...
omar wanted bootyshorts?
lol,
some random person came up to me and totally asked me if i was frm the sanjose area cuz he saw me at FYC.
yeaaaa [=
represent!
lol
there was a concert outside,
it was cool [=
in front of the fountain,
wat was weird...was there was this girl w/ her feet in the fountain... in a bikini x.x
awkward status.
after lunch.
SMALLgrp;
i was w/ donna [apparently this 'hot' chic [omar x.x] that wore white shortshorts]
there was only 3 girls. the other like....8 were males.
we did an icebreaker where we picked out 5 jollyranchers.
and depending on the flavor, shared a fact about ourselves.
like cherry was favorite hobby. and green apple was fave place on earth.
i got 2cherries and 3green apples.
piano.singing- boston.oahu.downtownSJ
then we made collages about our first workshop.
mine was eh.
lol
x.x
thennnn
workshopRound2.
i was back in the ballroom where we first met...for intro and stuff.
it was an Eskrima Wkshp.
:DDD
i got all excited.
it was pretty cool.
[omar ditched me tho D= ]
i learned plenty of defense moves. x.x
mark was cute. *blush.
ahahahaha.
fiona's cool too ><
its so cool to live close to stanford,
both her parents worked there !
howcool. ><
uh,
then we like...ended at 3..
but it was apposed to end at 3:30..
and since i dint know where omar was,
i stayed there.
this guy was playing piano.
so i jus meandered over.
it turns out,
he was cute<3
lawl.
uhm,
yea i came over,
he kinda stopped and we started talking.
im not exactly shure if we exchanged names.
but we exchanged places.
lol
i have no idea if he said sanfran or dalycity x.x
gah, but he asked me to play the piano [=
so i kinda played 'lemonade' or at least wat i could do.
stupid me, i kinda sang a bit too...o.o
he said i was good,
but i think he was jus saying that.
after he said he knew how to play guitar.
and would teach me.
x.x hes a soph tho.
hehehe,
well i told him about how the thing ended too early.
we went near where the 'instructors' were talking.
they heard about the time .
there was like 30 min left.
but only 3 ppl left in the room XD
so we jus did out own lil thing.
mostly jujitsu.
that was super fun,
thas y i wanted jovey to go<3
uhm..
after that we dint talk.
cuz some random ppl walked into the room and he totally went that way =[
he was cute.
maybe we shoulda...ehem....networked D=
forreal tho....
im lonely.
after finishing workshop2.
we were to go back to our smallgroups.
this time we had marshmallows and toothpicks.
building time x.x
XD
we won,
but it wasnt the tallest.
sadly.
lol
uhm...then we played some random type of telephone.
whisper-draw-whisper-draw...
XD
our side sucked.
lol
from 'strength in numbers' to shrinking.
the other one was longer tho.
but they got hella closer.
i learned some fremont kid was in our smallgrp.
after that we went back to the ballroom to end stuff...
but we had to wait for like 30min, for the last grp... x.x
omars grp.
so i was like sitting there alone for 30min.
as more ppl came in i kinda was searching for Kevin [the guy...frm earlier]
i was sorta sad.. wen i couldnt see him.
the piano/singing ppl [it was like a grp...and followers] moved all of a sudden to the side where i was on..
and started playing guitar.
x.x i guess, lol.
then i turned around and he was there. [=
but i was..all ....shy x.x
so nothing....
D=
i turned around again.
thinking to myself =[
we started wen omars grp came in and kevin sat w/ these girls.
so i kinda got sad... and dejected. im not shure if i wanna use that word... but i cant think of anything else.
lol
uhm
the panel speakers were....boring x.x
ending was alright,
i won candy.
lol,
like 15 ppl won.
eh,
kevin won too [=
uhm,
then ayana texted.
x.X
then kuya jeff texted.
but everyone left to go to the next thing,
but we totally had to leave for the meeting w/ milpitas.
D=
i wanted to stay, or at least look for kevin and connect ><
ugh,
kuya was far so we asked the host to give him directions,
sadly she used my phone...
so i had to stay w/ her the whole time D=
and i totally, got all broken =[
no byes.
watever...kinda,
right?
i needa let it go,
theres more fish out there,
x.x
lol,
oh yea.
and
passion and gabe bondoc and some other ppl were apposed to be performing.
me and omar couldve gotten in..
but it was after dinner.
and,
D=
we had to go.
DAMMIT.
i wanted to go.
='/
wahhhhh.
next year fasho.
gahhhh,
so, kuya jeff met us near subway...
and we left.
x.x
nice talk on the way home. lol
..
then,
meeting w/ milpitas.
attendees;
leah
eileen
omar
jessica
ace.
ayana.
kevin. [theirkevin] <-- reminds me of kenny? right jessica?
jester.
j___... john? [omg i feel bad now.]
idk his name...
blahblahblahblah.
discussion.
blah....
then afterwards.
we wouldnt leave until like x.x
ayana sang,
cuz ace said.
then her brother could sing too.
then we went on about like..
turning off the lights.
or..
singing later...
or.
blah
lol
then we eventually left...
x.x
at like 9 D=
lol
wata day.
i came home to watch maalaala mo kaya.
then the news.
..
so many homicides....
x.x
and now this,
blog [=
wat a weird day.
im really wanting to talk to that guy right now,
but i have no idea..
if hes interested or watever.
so eh,
maybe wen i go to greatmall tmrw.
ill see,
x.x
bye.
in sorta full depth?
so,
today i woke up at about 6:30/7am. to get ready to go to stanford, for this filipino leadership conference.
"PYLC" from the filipino club at stanford PASU. [if u kinda want a gist- its kinda like RAAP, from SJSU's Akbayan]
anyway.
yea,
kuya jeff picked me up,
then we went to get omar.
ahaha, stupid signal.
uhm,
then we went there and talked about shizzz.
once we got to palo alto,
we made a wrong turn x.x and hella like,
started driving towards like, a landfill?
x.x so we went the other way and ended up going the right way...
but once we got into stanford x.x we got lost again,
stupid big campus.
XD
we ended up going on embarcadero? and me and omar like... walked from there x.x
at least we dint get lost :D
it was funny,
we were like trying to ask for directions from the ppl, but they were either like...running x.x or like on a bike.
EVERYONE, for real.
we got lucky wen we saw these 2 girls and a guy walking x.x
and we asked them.
ahaha.
we explored a little around the library, and that cool red fountain and weird metal structure thing.
then went to the 'old union...' place.
so we got there i gave my permission slip.
and he showed ID and blah.
we got folders!!
yellow.
we went inside,
and there was like...
water and muffin/crescant. stuff.
[=
then they wrote our smallgroup number, meeting place and name of leader in our folder.
and we picked our workshops.
:D
mine was SmallGroup 1. ConferenceRoom. Donna _____. [cant remember last name right now]
workshopRound1 - gendermorphisis.
workshopRound2- Sticks to your bones. [im not exactly shure if thats exactly wat it was...x.x]
anyways.
me and omar sat like...
in a corner.
D= some dude was showing off piano/singing skills,
he was pretty good.
[we sat on the opposite side] thinking like... we're cool on THIS side.
he finished his blueberry muffin and water.
i jus got a waterbottle.
hm,
then some type of role call,
there was like westmont/point [notshure]
then...balboa.
fremont
some other schools from like, daly city. san fransisco. and fresno!!!
and random middleschools.
they dint call out MP =[
uhm.
intro, info, keynotespeaker x.x
hella talked long, omar said she was 'hot'
hah,
uhm then workshopRound1.
GENDERMORPHISIS;
icebreaker; human knot.
we got into groups and looked thru this slideshow.
we got the mac laptop :D
but its like different from mine.
iono it like changes screen wen u like move the mouse ro a corner D=
lol i felt noob.
it was cool;
looking at it thru our point of view,
then mom/dad,
then lola...and stuff....
lol funny stories ><
'whos THAT happy buying oranges?'
then, comparing traits of females and males,
that was fun...
x.x
'driving'... 'horny'....'aggressive'....'liars' weird -.-
lol, it was like a genderfight.
i learned that like... alota those traits are shared and some are good leadership qualities.
then...
understanding sexualities...
hetero! bisexual, beastiality, asexual, homosexual. pansexual. etc....x.x
thennn,
issues in our own community regarding gender.
like,
same sex marriage.
wages.
and how guys generally get to go out more than girls ><
then LUNCH :D
it was subway.
x.x
so i ate at another place w/ this girl from fresno.
theres this grp of girls me and omar made friends w/
x.x
cuz we were like the only ppl from here.
some ppl we met dint even know where sanjose was !!!! surprising x.x
actually i met some 8thgrader from lava.XD random.
so lunch... we went into the store...
omar wanted bootyshorts?
lol,
some random person came up to me and totally asked me if i was frm the sanjose area cuz he saw me at FYC.
yeaaaa [=
represent!
lol
there was a concert outside,
it was cool [=
in front of the fountain,
wat was weird...was there was this girl w/ her feet in the fountain... in a bikini x.x
awkward status.
after lunch.
SMALLgrp;
i was w/ donna [apparently this 'hot' chic [omar x.x] that wore white shortshorts]
there was only 3 girls. the other like....8 were males.
we did an icebreaker where we picked out 5 jollyranchers.
and depending on the flavor, shared a fact about ourselves.
like cherry was favorite hobby. and green apple was fave place on earth.
i got 2cherries and 3green apples.
piano.singing- boston.oahu.downtownSJ
then we made collages about our first workshop.
mine was eh.
lol
x.x
thennnn
workshopRound2.
i was back in the ballroom where we first met...for intro and stuff.
it was an Eskrima Wkshp.
:DDD
i got all excited.
it was pretty cool.
[omar ditched me tho D= ]
i learned plenty of defense moves. x.x
mark was cute. *blush.
ahahahaha.
fiona's cool too ><
its so cool to live close to stanford,
both her parents worked there !
howcool. ><
uh,
then we like...ended at 3..
but it was apposed to end at 3:30..
and since i dint know where omar was,
i stayed there.
this guy was playing piano.
so i jus meandered over.
it turns out,
he was cute<3
lawl.
uhm,
yea i came over,
he kinda stopped and we started talking.
im not exactly shure if we exchanged names.
but we exchanged places.
lol
i have no idea if he said sanfran or dalycity x.x
gah, but he asked me to play the piano [=
so i kinda played 'lemonade' or at least wat i could do.
stupid me, i kinda sang a bit too...o.o
he said i was good,
but i think he was jus saying that.
after he said he knew how to play guitar.
and would teach me.
x.x hes a soph tho.
hehehe,
well i told him about how the thing ended too early.
we went near where the 'instructors' were talking.
they heard about the time .
there was like 30 min left.
but only 3 ppl left in the room XD
so we jus did out own lil thing.
mostly jujitsu.
that was super fun,
thas y i wanted jovey to go<3
uhm..
after that we dint talk.
cuz some random ppl walked into the room and he totally went that way =[
he was cute.
maybe we shoulda...ehem....networked D=
forreal tho....
im lonely.
after finishing workshop2.
we were to go back to our smallgroups.
this time we had marshmallows and toothpicks.
building time x.x
XD
we won,
but it wasnt the tallest.
sadly.
lol
uhm...then we played some random type of telephone.
whisper-draw-whisper-draw...
XD
our side sucked.
lol
from 'strength in numbers' to shrinking.
the other one was longer tho.
but they got hella closer.
i learned some fremont kid was in our smallgrp.
after that we went back to the ballroom to end stuff...
but we had to wait for like 30min, for the last grp... x.x
omars grp.
so i was like sitting there alone for 30min.
as more ppl came in i kinda was searching for Kevin [the guy...frm earlier]
i was sorta sad.. wen i couldnt see him.
the piano/singing ppl [it was like a grp...and followers] moved all of a sudden to the side where i was on..
and started playing guitar.
x.x i guess, lol.
then i turned around and he was there. [=
but i was..all ....shy x.x
so nothing....
D=
i turned around again.
thinking to myself =[
we started wen omars grp came in and kevin sat w/ these girls.
so i kinda got sad... and dejected. im not shure if i wanna use that word... but i cant think of anything else.
lol
uhm
the panel speakers were....boring x.x
ending was alright,
i won candy.
lol,
like 15 ppl won.
eh,
kevin won too [=
uhm,
then ayana texted.
x.X
then kuya jeff texted.
but everyone left to go to the next thing,
but we totally had to leave for the meeting w/ milpitas.
D=
i wanted to stay, or at least look for kevin and connect ><
ugh,
kuya was far so we asked the host to give him directions,
sadly she used my phone...
so i had to stay w/ her the whole time D=
and i totally, got all broken =[
no byes.
watever...kinda,
right?
i needa let it go,
theres more fish out there,
x.x
lol,
oh yea.
and
passion and gabe bondoc and some other ppl were apposed to be performing.
me and omar couldve gotten in..
but it was after dinner.
and,
D=
we had to go.
DAMMIT.
i wanted to go.
='/
wahhhhh.
next year fasho.
gahhhh,
so, kuya jeff met us near subway...
and we left.
x.x
nice talk on the way home. lol
..
then,
meeting w/ milpitas.
attendees;
leah
eileen
omar
jessica
ace.
ayana.
kevin. [theirkevin] <-- reminds me of kenny? right jessica?
jester.
j___... john? [omg i feel bad now.]
idk his name...
blahblahblahblah.
discussion.
blah....
then afterwards.
we wouldnt leave until like x.x
ayana sang,
cuz ace said.
then her brother could sing too.
then we went on about like..
turning off the lights.
or..
singing later...
or.
blah
lol
then we eventually left...
x.x
at like 9 D=
lol
wata day.
i came home to watch maalaala mo kaya.
then the news.
..
so many homicides....
x.x
and now this,
blog [=
wat a weird day.
im really wanting to talk to that guy right now,
but i have no idea..
if hes interested or watever.
so eh,
maybe wen i go to greatmall tmrw.
ill see,
x.x
bye.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
pathetic?
i have no idea.
school bores me.
i think,
i have senioritis[sp?] but like...as a junior.
lol
omg, im so lazy w/ my schoolwork nowadays.
i havent turned anything in for english and spanish.
and ugh.
i jus am tired of school.
its boring at lunch and brunch.
and everything repeats itself.
i have the flu..
since like monday i guess,
i slept hella since then o.o
but i went to FYC activities on tues.
then SFtrip for physics to exploratorium on wed, as well as FYC core.
and i went to school today for the kasama meeting [i dont think they really needed me then -.- i didnt wake up for brunch... D= ]
honestly...
the only think i feel that keeping me going and excited about life is FYC and kasama.
idk, its something i can look forward to.
maybe thats y im so dedicated to it and excited and stuff.
but like, im scared im going to mess it up or something.
because,
i dunno...
i guess u can say i 'gave up' on everything else.
nothing else is going my way;
[time for explanations...]
school- i dont care much, even tho i should.. i have a bookreport due i didnt even get the book yet, spanish project due like 2 weeks ago or something isnt done, precal has been ok..i have a feeling itll get harder..sadly i havent been to school since monday so ive missed out on ALOT x.x, jenson...ugh ill explain that in 'music' section.., english is BORING, physics...we're gonna take a midterm sometime after we get back from break and we jus took a fieldtrip =/ ugh.. tired of it.. i wish i wasnt sick going on that fieldtrip it wouldve been so much more fun, history.. is history.. jus notes -.- and awkward things.. ill explain later in 'friends', and spanish... no offense to teacher.. shes cool- she tries, but the class is kinda, eh? lol, i think i havea crush on someone, sadly i cant say anything about it cuz like.. ugh ... itd be obvious? only like one person knows ;D uhmm...ill maybe explain that in 'love'. brunch and lunch has no point x.x unless theres a kasama meeting or i have to do other stuff [businesswise.], afterschool is boring.. badminton has its ups and down i jus wish my partner was taking it more seriously tho, then we'd probably be better off.
friends- they dont 'care'. ok well some of them do. i know that. but, ugh... i know im busy all the time [ im making a theory that... because i was busy all the time.. my body got sick... telling me i needa chill... but o.o sadly, im still busy... being sick... =/ even if i dont go to school ]. but ppl dont ...like... idk want to hang out w/ me anymore? besides like rosa/sheryl, vlad, jovey and ateh. but like.... no one asks me if i wanna go out or like mall w/ them or watever. u know, i havent been invited to anyones birthday since like...adrians. and i hear about them, but they FORGET me. watever right? but cmon...adrians was in november. -.- its freakin april. *sigh... i know being invited to parties doesnt exactly mean friendship, but maybe being forgotten makes it sound more...idk where i was going o.o lol.. uhm i lost myself. i have a headache... i kinda wanna tell everyone to notice me, but they're all in their own bubble... doesnt matter, schools almost over... ill jus wait til summer to like.. hang w/ the bests again, downtown and sht.
but wat hits me close to home is --i-. its so stupid. ever since i said 'ilikeyou'. its like no more talking. -.- and wen i DO talk to --i- its like he acts like im STUPID. wenever he replies to somthing i say its like 'oh dududududu... LEAH -.- jeez..' or like.. ' LEAH!!! blahblahblablah, we know..rararararr, of course.....' and gives me this look...its weird. im kinda sad... but mad too. i thot we were friends, but wat kind of friend treats me like that all of a sudden. gah, watever right? ...jus wait for summer...
family- dad...eh [like always...] [[ill have a blog about dad maybe later.. i dont feel like talking about dad right now...]] moms always been working... since forever. =[ always busy all the time.. but i guess since i got sick or something she cares more? or shes around more... [i guess cuz im around more... -.- cuz im always busy too] anyways... idk... its weird.. but she always gets a chance to lecture me wenever shes w/ me x.x im kinda tired of that cuz...IKNOW!. lol uhm... sadly, ron doesnt talk to me anymore. i think he disowned me or something.. i broke down one day... well night, i felt like sht that day,.... and i started yelling at him =[ i recall yelling 'youdontcare' to him about amillion times and my mom telling me to basically shut it.. cuz its late... and ron yelled back and dududududu.. and ever since then we havent spoken to each other. at least my older brothers are coming back from the PI on april27. [=
sick- i have the flu... how did i get it D= i dont want it anymore. i felt a little better after showering this morning, but after coming from school i got dizzy again and slept til like 6... >< ugh... i didnt know i could sleep this much. ahaha. uhm. being sick limits me..sadly. but the only thing ive been dedicated to since i was sick.. was FYC. idk, its fun for me... even tho im kinda the loner [but JOVEY is there for me :DD im so glad she is, she wonderful] Ron was there for me before..in the summertime-ish.. but like... he stopped going. i think his g/f didnt like him going -.- jerk. [oh btw...they celebrated their ONEYR. yesterday, jeez...] uh.... i read up on the flu and eh, idk i was bored. ahaha, headaches, dizziness, stuffy nose, cough, sneeze. oh and top that off.. im on my period :D......great -________-
love- like i said before, i kinda maybe have a crush on someone?... its --t- -i----u---. ahhhh, so anyways sadly. hes a senior. no chance. ahaha. cuz i think hes talking to someone already.. and o.o DUH, hes a senior, hes gone after like a month-ish...ehh, [= other that that.... its weird, idunno. other ppl from like uknow, before.. want me to like get back talking to them like o.o talkingtalking or like.. uknow. yeaaa.. iono... well its been like a year and something months since my last real relationship...but honestly, my heart was broken in december. like shattered to pieces, stepped on... swept away w/ the wind and i havent seen it since... so... sorry, im kinda, well.. im not 'scared' of love...its just, stupid. -.- lol i mean like, mean to me. im jus taking a break i guess, maybe summerlove ;D. lol or i can see nathan tao again XD. that was one weird day last yr.... anyways.... alota ppl say i needa b/f. but i dont NEED one... its jus i guess they're used to me having one? since like freshyear..ive had one o.o lol..; dennis, andrew, dennis...kevin x.x [blahh], watever right? dont listen to them? . /=
music- musics always been my stress reliever. playing or listening or singing. lately... its not the same. iono, playing still makes me feel better, but its hard to find songs worth listening to anymore. alots...the same. but occasionally i find good ones. iono how i would define good... lol, uhm.. i guess since jensons giving me hella songs lately, ive been avoiding the piano, i dont really wanna learn all of em, itll take so much time and some of its boring =[ or like hard... i jus wanna PLAY. but i dont wanna learn... sadly.. JUNE4 is the deadline for 6-7 songs x.x ima safely say... ima give myself 2 weeks before that to have everything down. cuz ive ALWAYS messed up during a concert. i feel like sht after it. i always cry after performing.. its been like this since this time last year. i was overly stressed.. and it was an honors concert... i blanked out on the stage.. and walked off. i havent been able to perform on stage since then. thats y i took in being the choir pianist, because im not the only one on stage, and i thot it could help me. i think i have stage fright. unluckily AND luckily, johns there... he plays superbly.. like a pro... and me? how pathetic am i... ive been playing since 4 and i cant perform w/ crying afterwards. i wish i could pull thru this faster and get over it. but nothing seems to help. ugh x.x
anyways.
if u wanna hear about any of the above.
jus IM me wen im online;
lilpinaygirl3445.
=/
and i dun think boston is an option for this summer anymore.
my partner doesnt seem as into it -.-
NO ONE SEEMS AS INTO ANYTHING I WANT.
wats the point in wanting it..
if i cant have it because... ugh.
i can only go .. if she goes..
i CAN go....
but =[ if i have no one to go w/.
i cant...
ugH!!!!!!!!!
i hate it.
i REALLY REALLY want to go.
o.o
bye,
school bores me.
i think,
i have senioritis[sp?] but like...as a junior.
lol
omg, im so lazy w/ my schoolwork nowadays.
i havent turned anything in for english and spanish.
and ugh.
i jus am tired of school.
its boring at lunch and brunch.
and everything repeats itself.
i have the flu..
since like monday i guess,
i slept hella since then o.o
but i went to FYC activities on tues.
then SFtrip for physics to exploratorium on wed, as well as FYC core.
and i went to school today for the kasama meeting [i dont think they really needed me then -.- i didnt wake up for brunch... D= ]
honestly...
the only think i feel that keeping me going and excited about life is FYC and kasama.
idk, its something i can look forward to.
maybe thats y im so dedicated to it and excited and stuff.
but like, im scared im going to mess it up or something.
because,
i dunno...
i guess u can say i 'gave up' on everything else.
nothing else is going my way;
[time for explanations...]
school- i dont care much, even tho i should.. i have a bookreport due i didnt even get the book yet, spanish project due like 2 weeks ago or something isnt done, precal has been ok..i have a feeling itll get harder..sadly i havent been to school since monday so ive missed out on ALOT x.x, jenson...ugh ill explain that in 'music' section.., english is BORING, physics...we're gonna take a midterm sometime after we get back from break and we jus took a fieldtrip =/ ugh.. tired of it.. i wish i wasnt sick going on that fieldtrip it wouldve been so much more fun, history.. is history.. jus notes -.- and awkward things.. ill explain later in 'friends', and spanish... no offense to teacher.. shes cool- she tries, but the class is kinda, eh? lol, i think i havea crush on someone, sadly i cant say anything about it cuz like.. ugh ... itd be obvious? only like one person knows ;D uhmm...ill maybe explain that in 'love'. brunch and lunch has no point x.x unless theres a kasama meeting or i have to do other stuff [businesswise.], afterschool is boring.. badminton has its ups and down i jus wish my partner was taking it more seriously tho, then we'd probably be better off.
friends- they dont 'care'. ok well some of them do. i know that. but, ugh... i know im busy all the time [ im making a theory that... because i was busy all the time.. my body got sick... telling me i needa chill... but o.o sadly, im still busy... being sick... =/ even if i dont go to school ]. but ppl dont ...like... idk want to hang out w/ me anymore? besides like rosa/sheryl, vlad, jovey and ateh. but like.... no one asks me if i wanna go out or like mall w/ them or watever. u know, i havent been invited to anyones birthday since like...adrians. and i hear about them, but they FORGET me. watever right? but cmon...adrians was in november. -.- its freakin april. *sigh... i know being invited to parties doesnt exactly mean friendship, but maybe being forgotten makes it sound more...idk where i was going o.o lol.. uhm i lost myself. i have a headache... i kinda wanna tell everyone to notice me, but they're all in their own bubble... doesnt matter, schools almost over... ill jus wait til summer to like.. hang w/ the bests again, downtown and sht.
but wat hits me close to home is --i-. its so stupid. ever since i said 'ilikeyou'. its like no more talking. -.- and wen i DO talk to --i- its like he acts like im STUPID. wenever he replies to somthing i say its like 'oh dududududu... LEAH -.- jeez..' or like.. ' LEAH!!! blahblahblablah, we know..rararararr, of course.....' and gives me this look...its weird. im kinda sad... but mad too. i thot we were friends, but wat kind of friend treats me like that all of a sudden. gah, watever right? ...jus wait for summer...
family- dad...eh [like always...] [[ill have a blog about dad maybe later.. i dont feel like talking about dad right now...]] moms always been working... since forever. =[ always busy all the time.. but i guess since i got sick or something she cares more? or shes around more... [i guess cuz im around more... -.- cuz im always busy too] anyways... idk... its weird.. but she always gets a chance to lecture me wenever shes w/ me x.x im kinda tired of that cuz...IKNOW!. lol uhm... sadly, ron doesnt talk to me anymore. i think he disowned me or something.. i broke down one day... well night, i felt like sht that day,.... and i started yelling at him =[ i recall yelling 'youdontcare' to him about amillion times and my mom telling me to basically shut it.. cuz its late... and ron yelled back and dududududu.. and ever since then we havent spoken to each other. at least my older brothers are coming back from the PI on april27. [=
sick- i have the flu... how did i get it D= i dont want it anymore. i felt a little better after showering this morning, but after coming from school i got dizzy again and slept til like 6... >< ugh... i didnt know i could sleep this much. ahaha. uhm. being sick limits me..sadly. but the only thing ive been dedicated to since i was sick.. was FYC. idk, its fun for me... even tho im kinda the loner [but JOVEY is there for me :DD im so glad she is, she wonderful] Ron was there for me before..in the summertime-ish.. but like... he stopped going. i think his g/f didnt like him going -.- jerk. [oh btw...they celebrated their ONEYR. yesterday, jeez...] uh.... i read up on the flu and eh, idk i was bored. ahaha, headaches, dizziness, stuffy nose, cough, sneeze. oh and top that off.. im on my period :D......great -________-
love- like i said before, i kinda maybe have a crush on someone?... its --t- -i----u---. ahhhh, so anyways sadly. hes a senior. no chance. ahaha. cuz i think hes talking to someone already.. and o.o DUH, hes a senior, hes gone after like a month-ish...ehh, [= other that that.... its weird, idunno. other ppl from like uknow, before.. want me to like get back talking to them like o.o talkingtalking or like.. uknow. yeaaa.. iono... well its been like a year and something months since my last real relationship...but honestly, my heart was broken in december. like shattered to pieces, stepped on... swept away w/ the wind and i havent seen it since... so... sorry, im kinda, well.. im not 'scared' of love...its just, stupid. -.- lol i mean like, mean to me. im jus taking a break i guess, maybe summerlove ;D. lol or i can see nathan tao again XD. that was one weird day last yr.... anyways.... alota ppl say i needa b/f. but i dont NEED one... its jus i guess they're used to me having one? since like freshyear..ive had one o.o lol..; dennis, andrew, dennis...kevin x.x [blahh], watever right? dont listen to them? . /=
music- musics always been my stress reliever. playing or listening or singing. lately... its not the same. iono, playing still makes me feel better, but its hard to find songs worth listening to anymore. alots...the same. but occasionally i find good ones. iono how i would define good... lol, uhm.. i guess since jensons giving me hella songs lately, ive been avoiding the piano, i dont really wanna learn all of em, itll take so much time and some of its boring =[ or like hard... i jus wanna PLAY. but i dont wanna learn... sadly.. JUNE4 is the deadline for 6-7 songs x.x ima safely say... ima give myself 2 weeks before that to have everything down. cuz ive ALWAYS messed up during a concert. i feel like sht after it. i always cry after performing.. its been like this since this time last year. i was overly stressed.. and it was an honors concert... i blanked out on the stage.. and walked off. i havent been able to perform on stage since then. thats y i took in being the choir pianist, because im not the only one on stage, and i thot it could help me. i think i have stage fright. unluckily AND luckily, johns there... he plays superbly.. like a pro... and me? how pathetic am i... ive been playing since 4 and i cant perform w/ crying afterwards. i wish i could pull thru this faster and get over it. but nothing seems to help. ugh x.x
anyways.
if u wanna hear about any of the above.
jus IM me wen im online;
lilpinaygirl3445.
=/
and i dun think boston is an option for this summer anymore.
my partner doesnt seem as into it -.-
NO ONE SEEMS AS INTO ANYTHING I WANT.
wats the point in wanting it..
if i cant have it because... ugh.
i can only go .. if she goes..
i CAN go....
but =[ if i have no one to go w/.
i cant...
ugH!!!!!!!!!
i hate it.
i REALLY REALLY want to go.
o.o
bye,
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