i didnt sleep at all...

and i cant put my finger on why exactly i couldnt fall asleep.

well its probably because i ate chilis and was full afterwards and hyper. [especially after dessert]
or because i felt as if we 'stole' chips... even tho it was 'bottomless' and it shouldve been ours anyway.

or..
its probably because wen i got home i was tired,
and i tried on all the clothes i bought today [again]
and showed them off to my mom... x.x
cuz im excited after i buy clothes... or go shopping..

or its probably because after that. i decided wat i was going to wear for the week...
and now im looking forward to this week

or its probably because after i got bored picking clothes
and playing collapse on the computer
and looking at my facebook/myspace
..i decided to fix up my 2nd myspace
that has my about me on it
and i was all into it..

or it might be because in the middle of my editing,
ERIC called me.
maybe its cuz i havent talked to him since....
wednesday at adrians birthday ..thing
and i was excited to talk to him again and catch up and wanted to know wats going on in his life and how his weekend was and wat i missed b/t the time we last talked and now, and wat'll happen later and... other random switch stories that we do.. and randomly talk about on the phone [which lasted 2 hours...]
..
o.o maybe its because im kinda used to falling asleep with him on the other side of the phone,
maybe thats y i couldnt sleep because... he wasnt.. cuz i guess since he wasnt home.. and he was watching TV.. and blah.
cuz im used hearing silence/him from the other side of the phone... and it makes me happy. and sleep...


or maybe its because after i couldnt fall asleep i decided to pick up my laptop and finish editing my other myspace,
and told myself that id fix it up more later

or probably because
i spent a good hour or so uploading pictures to an album i will later edit...
its called 'abriefsummaryofmylifebetween11.9.07-11.25.09]
its pretty amazing actually.
i will later put captions on every single one.
and ... ull know part of me.
...of course its work in progress, cuz..
im not done yet.


or maybe i cant sleep because the music im listening to makes me think alot..

or maybe i just excited to see dennis later today.
because... its sunday,
its the only reason i like sunday now...
because i get to be with him...
even if it means i hafta work,
at least its with him....


or maybe because im still looking at the pictures and the memories
and im thinking.

or maybe its because this crystal geyser water is drugged or something o.o
i took 2 sips earlier.. like maybe around 3 or 4 and i was pretty awake...


this is a weird all nighter.


maybe i couldnt sleep because all ive done was think and use my emotions
and thinking ...is blah ..
and my emotions.... are blah.




its weird tho..
uknow, after going around great mall for maybe 6-7 hours... then ending up at eastridge for a little bit then...chilis.
u wouldve thot id be exhausted... and dead tired.

but here i am...
awake.
writing a blog about being awake...
and confused...
and..

not tired.
nor sleepy.

..
i
am
so
weird.....

i cant fit in,

the realization that i cant fit in came to me thanksgiving day.
i was lying on my bed in my room when my mom told me that we were going to my grandmas house..
i kinda got mad,
because she told me that we werent going anywhere.
and i dont like sudden change... impromptu kinda stuff,
so i acted like a passive-aggressive sufferer and decided to go along..
my grandma only lives 5-10 minutes away.
but i never liked going there,

i used to live there,
but we moved out,
its my dads side of my family,
but my mom has always treated them as if they were her own..
shes too nice sometimes,
i dont like that.
its a trait i got,
i kind of hate it

anyway,
we got there
and as usual everyone was drinking,
from my gambling aunts and uncles
to my cousins [around 18+]
to the random ppl cooking stuff..

i had to hug my aunts and uncles,
of course,
respectfully... then i went inside, because it was weird for me,
i never liked being around drunk people,
i was used to it when i was younger,
but i guess my tolerance for it changed.
its funny how you could tell whos drunk or not..
but they can act the same as they always are,

so most of my family consists of guys..
mainly around my age grp ... around meaning within 10 yrs.
so theres a bunch of mid 20 guys drinking with my only girl cousin.. around that age.
then i walk in and see 3-4 little boys running around the house..
and i see my niece [who graduated frm MP last yr] but she was reading so i didnt want to bother her.
then.. those girls who jus came from the PI this summer.
they barley speak english...

before i step into the kitchen i can hear my mom talking about me..
saying how i didnt wanna be there an sht like that
and i thot to myself..WHAT..THE..FCK..
-.- thanks mom,
im now known as... that girl who didnt wanna be here...
i knew i didnt, but i didnt want everyone else to know,
..i walked in and got some food
because if ur filipino and ur at a party.
or if ur at a filipino party,
you gotta eat.
and my mom promised me we'd only be there for a little bit anyway,
as long as i eat...

i was eating and my mom comes down the hall from my grandmas room and was all
' did u say hi to ur grandma yet?'
i thot to myself 'NO. retard.. im sitting here eating..'
i didnt say anything.
but i had a glaring look on my face.
showing her..
how annoyed i was,

there she went talking to the 'family' there
and there i was.. sitting and eating pancit...
i didnt want to talk to anyone because,
wtf would i talk to anyone about.

i finished eating and ron passed by with one of my cousins,
they were gonna play call of duty.
congrats ron, u found a place for urself in this family,
i have yet to know mine....

after throwing away the plate i went to my grandmas room
my grandpa was there..
i hugged the other ppl in the room making my way to grandma 'hi inang' i smiled.
i faced my grandpa and tried hugging him 'hi tatang!'..
he didnt hug back like he always had...
or didnt even say hi back.
.. didnt even look at me.
he just kept eating..
[a brief history, my grandpa fell of the roof one day last month.
was rushed to the hospital
put in intensive care.
his ribs/spinal cord were raptured
they said he wasnt going to make it
made it past hospital to care home
kept saying he was going to die
because delusional for the care of his crops in the backyard
grandma suffered from slight depression and sleep loss,
he was allowed to go home
grandma took him home
they dont share a bed anymore,
at least he can eat
at least she can sleep.
but honestly, taking care of the sick AND old.. is hard,
if ur sick and old...]
like i said,
he just kept eating and staring at his food...
he didnt look at me at all
the other old ladies in the room kept telling him to look at me
and asking him if he remembered me.
maybe i should have visited him more,
..if i wasnt so busy..
i never really got to know him
because he never really spoke
i always said hi and hugged him tho,
that was our means of communication,
besides music.
he saw me with the uke one time and i could tell he was kind of excited.
he is HELLA good at the sax... a passion of his
besides work.
he used to smoke, i think he stopped but im not shure wen he quit.
ron knows alot from him
im jealous of the way ron can be closer to family than me..
and im older...

i thought to myself he had Alzheimer's..
i asked and they said no... it was just sometimes,
but i knew..
it probly is.
which made me extremely sad.
i dont want to get old..

i walked out and back into the kitchen and found my mom talking again to the 'family' in there.
they were talking about driving... [great.. -.-]
and how hazel [new girl frm PI] should learn how to drive,
but how she knows and how the state just tricks the students
because u have to pay for the 2nd test too.. and crap like that
but wen i walked into the room my mom was in the middle of a sentence saying
'you cant survive in the U.S. if you cant drive.' and ended with 'right Leah?'
..
YOU KNOW WHAT. FCK YOU. FCK THE WORLD AND THE US AND FCK THIS FAMILY THAT HAS NO PLACE FOR ME..
..
i quietly left the room..
i wanted to leave the house..
and run to dennis's house, which as only 2 street corners away..
but stopped myself.
because the family wouldve thought i didnt like them.
i do.
i want to fit in
but why cant i..

maybe because i really dont..
maybe i dont want to be one of those types of ppl.
drunk, gambling...

i just dont have anyone to cling to at family parties except ron.
but its different now,
he can do stuff himself
i need him more than he needs me.

i hate that.
and i hate that i cant even fit in this immediate family.
moms too busy for sht like me..
dads... dad ... obviously
and 3 brothers,
thanks...-.-

that leaves me..
and my stuffed animals,
laptop and phone.

because.. no one listens and i cant fit it anyway.
my mom passed me by.
i yanked her arm
and she knew.
she said we were going somewhere else...
so we had to leave.
ron stayed.
because my 2 older brothers were there [drinking...]
we left fairly quickly..
got in the car and went home.

it was a quiet ride home
..

i dont like how..
im an introvert like her... in parties,

i hate parties because theres no where i can fit in..
i dont drink
i dont eat much
i dont gamble
im not that big on karaoke and videogames
i dont cook at those parties
im not good with mingling in that type of setting
or with those type of ppl..

..
i enjoy small random gatherings
where theres no drinking
but we're all having fun anyway.
where
no ones left out..
and we have stuff to talk about.
and either i KNOW you,
or you're getting to know ME...

but thanks world,
for not letting me have those moments,
because i cant even fit in SRL anymore. its so different...
or..
with vlad and dennis.
its totally different,
i dont even talk to vlad anymore.
and dennis....=/
or..
at school,
yea shure i hang out with alot of people
and i know hella ppl...
but i dont exactly...have fun all the time there..
i just sit.
but everyone else HAS their thing
or their 'best friend'
i guess not me...

thats y i dont like going there alot.
because theres nothing to do there
its boring,
theres cliques inside or clique which is STUPID.
im kind of in b/t all of them.
because i dont fit in

thats y i keep myself busy..
and walk around
or play piano... during breaks.
i fit in that way.

...
in FYC.
last tuesday i realized..
without.. jovey or tiffany.
im a loner..
and i cant fit it.

its kinda sad,
i can talk to all of them as a group
[as in.. leading activities night]
but ... no one seems to care about me after that.
no one listens to me, or even bothers to talk to me.
im just there

and its kinda awkward for me
because at break everyone has someone to talk to
except me

and after,
sht man... jam session away.
you guys too, just dance ur butts off..

while i lie on this couch and.....
think.
and txt ppl that i want to kill myself.


because in all honesty
thats how it feels like
to be left out.
to feel as if u cant fit in.


im different.
...

why,

secret kisses

a secret: something that is not known or seen or is not meant to be known or seen by others..

thats wat our relationship is.

no one should know,
no one should see.

the secret hand holding
under the table..
around the corner
under the jackets,
on the bench or ledge when no ones around
under the stars,
when you walk me home..
-which in my case, im sorry to say that i cant see those stars
im blinded by the fact that people are supposed to blinded...
undercover hand holding,
you know
those kinds of brief little bits of hand touches
like a brush of your hand
or while we exchange an object and our hands stay touching for even a second longer after we're supposed to let go..

let go,
i need to let go...
of you,
and us
and our secret hand holding.



no one should know,
no one should see

the secret kisses
on the couch
in the hallway of my house wen we end up being alone
in the side yard
in my room doorway..

the same secret kisses that take place wen we end up in our best friends room alone,
you know, right after he leaves, we caress each others lips
but we still have enough piece of mind to hear his footsteps coming back
so we can keep it a secret..

the same secret kisses that happen after work, or during.
in the parking lot.
while we talk about our lives

the same secret kisses we share before we get to my houses street corner at 10 or 11 at night
in the dark under those same stars im blinded to see because of the unfairness of the world..
the universe keeps the secrets of the stars from me while i hide those kisses from the everything besides those stars and the night sky.
why! must it all be a secret.

those kisses that hold me in a place where i can close my eyes and not be terrified of the dark
because here,
im attached to someone.
im not afraid,
but then im afraid to let go.
i wouldnt want it to end,

but because its a secret and no one should know
we have to stop.
and act 'normal' , as if...
we didnt love each other.
like you act.. every single day...
as if you didnt love me..

you're either a pretty good actor.
or its not really...


still,
no one should know,
no one should see..


our secret ways of communicating.

the way we have eye contact wenever a hot girl passes by
because i know you're checking her out,
and if i look back at you,
you know if i agree or disagree.

the we have eye contact wenever we see random ass cleavage off some random girl who has ass
because we both know we're looking
but i dont REALLY get jealous because
i know you,
you cant help it.
but i secretly still love you anyway
even if those girls are prettier than me..

because we have a secret.

the way wenever we DO give something to each other, our hands touch
and it feels as if its an eternity,
and i know you feel that too,
because of the way you look at me during that millisecond of eternity

the way we never really have to say iloveyou wen we're around each other..
because our eyes tell each other everything.
they SCREAM iloveyou at each other.
so loud,
no one can hear.
its that much of a secret.

because
no one should know
and no one should see.

our past.
those years went by way to fast,
..
and i dont want those real years to be our last together.
..
your're going away
and it'll be 13 weeks til you get back,
but in all honestly those 10 days youll be back,
wont be enough...
because i KNOW... im only going to be alone with you for probably 5 secret minutes.
and those secret minutes can never possibly fill the gap of my secret longing for you during those 13 weeks of absence.

in short,
dont go.

i secretly want you..
to never leave my side.


but why.

why does it have to be a secret.
i have to keep it in my pocket and never let it show, because
no one should know
and no one should see...

secrets dont make friends tho.
thats all i really know
about secrets,

so are we friends?
i dont know..
no one should know.

you know wat the worse part of it is?

i found your ______.
and im too afraid to _____,
because i dont want you to stop ______.

but i really want to know __________ is.
and i want to know who you're _________.

and maybe i should stop thinking about ______,
because im only getting worse.

i cant sleep.

i cant help it,
now i dug myself into a deeper hole.

and i cant get out.
dammit.


why do u have to be confusing.

u know,

i want it gone,
i wish i never wouldve found your _______
or that ________

because...
i cant sleep....



and i know i go around in circles,
because I DO.
..
thats how my head works.


and my minds not letting me sleep now because of it.

i have a headache

because i think too much
and i do too much
...


main problems/dilemmas/worries/blahs...;

1- college apps;
i turned in SJSU SFSU CSUMB CSUEB and UOP..
yet to turn in BERKLEE, SFC [?], SC...[othermusiccolleges?]
..
to do list;
send in transcripts [copy address's bring to mr flores]
ACT,SAT scores [ sent? o.o check ]
set up audition dates for all [email dr mok for SJSU]
learn audition songs for all
type up Artistic Resume
Berklee = 14 short answers + essay...
look up past works [ all classical repertoire in high school that ive played ]
find recommenders..
[ugh, i know im missing some >< ]


2- winter concert
i play 8 songs, [40% of the concert]
with, i would like to say optional, solo piece,
but i want to decline the solo piece... 8 is too much..
and i still have to 'learn' two of them...

songs;
ode to beethoven [to learn]
joshua fit the battle of jericho [:D]
dont stop believin [memorized]
through fire and flames [x.x]
double trouble [to learn]
can you hear the bells [to 'perfect']
all i want for christmas is you [memorized]
christmas on broadway [to 'perfect']


3- school...
i cant seem to wake up in the morning,
i dont look forward to school at all anymore,
i dont even feel like i have friends i can really hang out with...
i dont ...
i cant seem to find a place where im not bored..
its just not getting to me anymore
i cant seem to grasp the concept that this is my last yr here and should enjoy it..
i dont seem to get that i need to stop waking up late.

my body doesnt seem to understand that school starts at 8:30...><
hm...

you already know about my first 2 classes.. they're stressful because of the concert coming up in a week and half..
psych isnt bad, i like it..its easy,
i know wats going on
its pretty easy to concentrate in that class [ besides the fact that ppl talk in the back and are really ANNOYING ]
its fun too, i like wat im learning,


i seem to be procrastinating in english, alot.
i think its of habit from last yr..
i wish i didnt,
im supposed to be an 'AP' student, but im taking regular english
and i have a C.
WTF does that tell you about me..
/= im a horrible person...
i just dont enjoy it as much as lovato got me to enjoy it.
no lie, i LOVE mrs robinsons class,
but im just.. really out of it in there,

calculus is killing me,
i dont understand integration..
its like chinese to me..
and i can barely read tagalog.
hm...
deriving is my comfort zone,
and id rather not step out of it...
during this stressful time.

great timing again calculus.. =[
i need to start concentrating in this class...
but if i could only see the DAM BOARD....
i hate my vision
its so...stupid..
it.. prevents me from flourishing .
.not only in calc,
but in alot of things...

i bet you, if i could see... it could help me concentrate,
and id be on that top 15,
and itd be one less thing to worry about...


im somewhat sorta lost in govt.
i get it,
i understand it
i know wats going on in that class.
..
its just hard for me to memorize it
or recall the answers.
im paying attention i swear,
but even if i do study,
i dont know who is what... and wen was wat or where.
.. it doesnt stick to me


..

4- kasama
im really glad heritage week is over,
but...cmon guys,
im doing those fckin worshops for YOU,
im spending MY time.
after school for YOU.
but you guys dont even give a damn,
you wanted it,
here it is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
and u dont go.
how is that supposed to make me feel?
u know what?
i even tell you guys to go to FYC,
and u dont...
how is THAT supposed to make me feel?
my officers cant even.. ugh,
im not even gonna start,
at least some ppl DO their respective jobs on time.
i thank you 2.
but honestly.
its a responsibility issue on your part,
watch,
ima put u guys in charge of something
and purposely let you guys FAIL.
so you can fcking see what you're doing.
i dont want to do everything,
im not supposed to,
you're supposed to be helping.
jsrks...

one day,
you'll see ..
maybe i should stop going to FYC,
so we wont be in battle,
it wont be my fault.
itd be all yours,
all of YOU guys. would be to blame,
ive done my job,
ive done my part,

but you guys dont care.
you're all just selfish.
..

kasama;
we're suppoesd to do this all together,
im trying to teach you,
but a teacher cant teach without students,
i respect and praise those of you who actually come,
but.. no one else seems to care,
so why continue?


so thanks,
i love kasama and all,
but one of these days ima just quit.
and we'll see how bad it gets w/o me..


ill keep doing workshops even if its just me,
because i AM dedicated to this club ...
because thats how ive always been,
im dedicated and committed..
even if it'll kill me,
or harm my health..

its always been like that.
its always something else first,
then me.

becuase i dont see anyone else put me first...
ever,
.. i dont deserve to be first anyway.
because im even second to myself... or third or..fourth..or fifth.....


5- love life

awww cmon,
im not even supposed to be worrying about stupid sht like this..

im lost..
really,
i have no idea wat to do,
no idea where to go
who to talk to
who to run to
who to... love.
who to like,
what to act like
..

wat the fck do i do..

do i continue this stupid.. friends with benefits thing. .thats been going on for a while....
or do i just say no the nest time he tries to kiss me...
or should i ask him if he wants to be.. yea RIGHT. ..he'll probably say no.
or maybe i should ask for all my money to be paid back..
i should stop loving him,
but i cant.
or i can, but the kisses always confuse me.

.. i dont like confusion.


do i continue trying to go for him?
or should i just stop and leave him alone, because i think im annoying him and he probably doesnt like me anyway.. he might like someone else now or should i tell him im getting over or trying to get over the other person.
or should i ask him about that girl he likes to hug...
or should i call him..... no... should i? ...eh.. ><

do i continue acting all nice to this guy?
or.. tell him i only want to be friends with him.. not anything more... hes a nice guy and all, but i dont think id want anything more that a friendship with him... but its hard because that class is something i love... but it kinda bothers me.. that i have to be.. 'mean'?

do i get to know him?
or is it juts going to be even more confusing.... so i shouldnt talk to him because maybe he has a girl in his mind anyway and i should leave him be.. and dont make him worry about me.. maybe its just another random stupid FYC crush.


do i even really need to care about all this?
or should i just give up love and liking someone and guys altogether for now and just worry about now.

impossible,
its everywhere
everyday.
every second.
renewed every weekend.
subdued every night.
reborn every morning..
...
but i gotta fight it,
and make shure,
i know what i want.

right now,
i dont know..

right now im still figuring stuff out,
i just hope it wont be too late wen i do know wat i want...

its
going
by
too
fast...



6- family
ahh,, family.
...

basically,
ppl need learn how to listen to each other.
respect each other.

and actually treat family.
like their own damn FAMILY.



...thas all i gotta say,


7- friends.

hah,
wat friends.

besides
SRL...
...
ron
eric
dennis..
jovey
kuya jeff
tiffany


who else do i really have.








... i need to make some schedules
... i need to think about wat i really want
... i need to relax..
... i need a break.

its kinda sad,

its kinda sad knowing that i tried killing myself once,
its kinda sad how it obviously didnt work..


its kinda sad how when i yell,
my parents yell back telling me to stop yelling.

its kinda sad how they cant even understand me
because of their broken english and
'pruits' and weird ass pronunciations.

its kinda sad how most filipinos dont know where they came from
and its kinda sad how they wear those shirts but dont know wtf it means,
if you dont know what it means, dont wear it.
dumbass,

its kinda sad how ppl are alienated in a school full of people.
its supposed to be a safe place.
not a place for cliques and shit.

its kinda sad how discrimination is still happening.
even at schools.


its kinda sad how people can be so closed minded that they cant even get their shit straight.
its kinda sad how people cant seem to understand one another
because they are so closed minded.
and they fight,
and it may or may not lead to death,
..
but all they had to do was take a minute to understand.



its kinda sad how kids these days drink
or smoke

they have a whole life ahead of them.

its kinda sad how they know they have lives ahead of them yet they still do it anyway,
they're just too blinded to see it more clearly.

see,
its kinda sad how people say their blind when they're not when they can see just fine or they want glasses just for the hell of it
when there are people who need them. or who really CANT see..
its kinda sad when the people who want to be
make fun of those who cant help it.
because
its kinda sad how it was part of their lives without choice.

its kinda sad how i need to memorize my songs because i dont like using my bifocal lenses on the piano in choir class because people might make fun of me.

its kinda sad how ppl used to make fun of me.


its still sad how im afraid people might make fun of me




its kinda sad how im not heard unless i yell
and its still kinda sad how even if i do yell, they dont really hear me.
it jus gets
quiet.


its kinda sad how i like it wen it seems like people are listening even if their not because
i dont really get that alot.

its kinda sad how i always want to be heard.
its kinda sad how family wont even listen to me.
its kinda sad how some friends dont even really care,
yet
its kinda sad how when somethings wrong people care, but wen i just wanna say something they dont.
maybe thats y i make big deals of things,
or get frustrated or mad or angry or sad easily,
i need attention..

its kinda sad how i still dont get much attention.



its kinda sad how people think that smart quiet one.
wen i can be loud and stupid too.
not that i want to be known as stupid,
i just dont ONLY wanna be seen as smart... or quiet.




its kinda sad how people make fun of other people w/o realizing it.
w/o both sides realizing it....
but a 3rd party sees it.





its kinda sad how wenever LOVE appears in my mind or i hear it or see it...
i think of one person

its kinda sad how wenever LOVE appears i dont think of God or the Bible or family...
i think of him...

its kinda sad how wenever LOVE happens to cross my mind,
he crosses it at the same exact time
causing a collision of feelings and emotions both happy and sad.

its sad.


well, its kinda sad watching me try to get over him countless times,
yet fail...every single time.

its kinda sad watching myself fail because ive fallen back in love with him.

its kinda sad how im afraid of having someone else to hold and be happy with because i wouldnt wanna hurt them if i fall back in love with him.

[[ its kinda sad how i like him, ive liked him and im too afraid to do anything about it.. because i dont want to hurt him..
but its kinda sad how i talk to him almost every night anyway ...
its kinda sad how im not even sure he realizes i like him, altho to me its pretty obvious. eh, maybe not to him.
its kinda sad how wen im on the phone with him, there are long silences and then i realize that its the type of love SHIHAN talks about,
teenagers really DO talk on the phone for hours not saying SHIT.
its kinda sad how.. i could love him.
its kinda sad how sometimes i think maybe i should give up...
but its kinda sad how im so attached.

its kinda sad how i think of him alot, even tho i think of HIM too...

its kinda sad how maybe... im falling for someone again,

its kinda sad how im afraid..]]



its kinda sad how i cant seem to let go, even tho all this time ive been trying to

its kinda sad how it always seems to head back in his direction.
because hes always there,
because he comes back to me..

its kinda sad how im sad about being in love with him.
nowadays.

its kinda sad how im sad about being in love.
i mean, isnt love supposed to be happy.
especially relationship wise...
its it supposed to be the one thing a teenager really wants?
besides money.... and success?
i mean,
EVERYBODY wants to find someone to love.
and hold
and cherish.
.. to love

its kinda sad how everytime i see him,
i love him

and everytime hes gone,
im depressed about being so obsessed with him.


its kinda sad how im obsessed.

you see,
i try to oppress my obsession by having a talk session almost every night
with a potential.... *cough
since freshman yr.
but.. i cant seem to do anything because of my obsession.

its kinda sad how there could be someone else.

but its kinda sad how it could be too late...


its kinda sad how he knew... and he 'couldnt' because he knew HE was always there....

its kinda sad how i like him...
but i love HIM.

its kinda sad that maybe im taking this the wrong way.
maybe i can love HIM like... a brother [ew] or something like that.
and start liking him more.....
but ... hmmm,

its kinda sad how i cant let go.
u know,
of my first love ..

man i just want to shove him out of my head.
but he just keeps holding my hand.
and kissing me


its kinda sad how i wait.
wait for him
wait for me
wait for ...

rides home
around 6pm after daylight savings
u know
when its all dark and cold and shit.


its kinda sad how when my mom says 10 min she really means 30..
or if she says 30 min she really means an hour.

its kinda sad how she works too much for her own good.

its kinda sad how im doing the same.

its kinda sad how i dont want to be like my mom because i want a family that is based on family..
not income.

its kinda sad how dad doesnt really help much.

and its kinda sad how he forgets.
how he forgets my birthday
my brothers birthday
my moms birthday,

i remember a couple yrs ago it was their 25th yr wedding anniversary.
mom was so excited.
...

but he didnt do SHIT.
he forgot.
she cried
hard that night.

.. its kinda sad watching your mom cry

its kinda sad knowing it was your dads fault.

its kinda sad hearing them fight and not know wat to do besides IMing or txting ur lil bro and asking if hes ok...
its kinda sad how wed hide in his room until they stop, then go outside and watch TV so they wont start again

its kinda sad how mom wont get a divorce.




its kinda sad how divorce is taking over the world.


its kinda sad how ppl dont think they're able to help the world out.
even tho every little thing counts.

its kinda sad how ppl are starving to death every day
but i still see ppl throw food away...
take wat you can eat.
..no more.



its kinda sad how no can mean yes to some people you know,
i know you heard it before,
'yes means yes and no means yes'
wtf,
NO, means no.

if you dont know that,
i dont even know what to say to you...

its kinda sad how people dont know how to speak up
or speak for themselves.

its kinda sad how i used to be one of those people.

its kinda sad seeing those people struggle.

its kinda sad how i dont do much about it,
i try tho.


its kinda sad how ..
people cheat,

gf/bf.. tests.. games...

in the end ur just cheating urself.

its kinda sad cheating on a gf/bf.. and then asking for forgivness and the same love...
wtf man.
it was ur choice,
u did it,
and u need to learn ur lesson,bye.

its kinda sad how they dont understand wat bye means.

its kinda sad how wen u cheat on quizzes and shit its ok because u know all the right answers n u pass

but its kinda sad how wen u take the test u have nothing to cheat with so you fail
and u wonder y u failed or got a bad grade.


its kinda sad how u win the game, but u cheated.
u didnt really win the game
ur the biggest loser alive.

its still kinda sad how people cant speak up


its kinda sad how ppl probly wont read this
so i choose to say it out loud.
to this crowd.

cuz you see,
i want people to hear it
all of it.


because its better than watching a movie,
you get more morals than your mom can handle.

its kinda sad how half ya'll missed it.

heres what i dont want you to miss,..

dont worry,
just be happy.

today was long,

and tiring.


o.o
its november, omg.
yay :D

choir;
learn 'double trouble'
"perfect" other songs,\
[beginning choir- learn 'bells' song]

band;
one more pep band game;
"perfect" pep songs+newones + throughfireandflamse
learn rest of "christmas on broadway"

psychology;
nothing much really yet for now... XD

english;
vocab week this week??? notshure x.x
stay organized [or DIE]
finish up on writing stuff.
watever other crazy hw she gives us.

calc;
its calc man, lol
test it 2 weeks D=

torres;
nothing much really yet for now =/


...
kasama;
officer meeting tmrw [OMG i forgot to call red robin D= ]
CLUB meeting tuesday
club pictures wednesday
workshops? -ahhh,
tshirt money - ahhh
heritage week "party" lol,


college;
finish up personal statement THIS WEEK!
start applications for AT LEAST the CSU's
SJSU.
SF.[for conservatory]
Monterey.
Eastbay?

next priority;
Santa Clara
UOP
Chapman
[gah] Evergreen+otherJCs


'top' priority; [out of state,]
Berklee School of Music
Julliard
BU
Boston Conservatory.
New England School of Music
Manhattan School of Music

[+ Unified and Common Apps]
[+ scholarships somewhere?]


soo for college;
13 [at least for now] applications to fill out @ least 4 to finish before 15th ><
and personal statement to be written before next week





and
yeaaa,

thats all.
[=

its less than last month. right?
so ima enjoy myself.

*GASP.
uhm, important dates,
SF application help in SF -Nov12
FYC hiphop showcase OR military ball [if invited] -Nov13
Calc test -Nov14
make sure all CSU apps are in Nov15
Powderpuff -Nov20


not too much.
too bad its all like... clumped together.




so today... o.o felt so long,





goodbye daylight savings,

=/