please, dont get my hopes up

i expect too much.
and the pain im feeling is from ME.

please..
dont tell me 'ill talk to you later k?'
because i know you WONT.

dont tell me 'see you later...'
because.. all ill be looking forward to is.. a 'hi' and .. a half hug.

please, dont tell me 'ur busy'
ill just keep thinking of all the excuses in my head... why.

.....


tell me wat time youd call..
or tell me wen youll see me
let me know when you want to hang out.
tell me you LOVE me.
you want me,
you need me.


tell me everything i want to hear.
so it can all go away.



... steal quotes man,


but its true.
its something i say in my head x.x
or something like it... im guessing the translation really.

"you know, i beat myself up everyday so that i can try to wake up back into reality ..."

"but thats really how it is isnt it? everyone who falls in love, becomes stupid.
and it makes me the stupidest of the stupid, because i love you. ...."

"ive done EVERYTHING for you. but how come no matter what i do, its always never enough. NEVER enough."


speak the truth kim chui.








__________________________________________________

on a totally different note,

HELLA RANDOM DAY.


CRAZY rally.

who knew bouncy balls could equal so much... fun/excitement...speeches frm principal, cancellation of sadies, rallies, etc.. lectures, BLAH.
it was random.

but i think it was pretty ok.

cmon
WE DIDNT DAMAGE ANYTHING. -___-
ur taking this too seriously.
just.. let it go man.
its a senior prank.
watd you do 2 years ago.
geez,
wen there was a freakin pillow fight in the junior quad. x.x

"Open letter to soldier" Ishle Yi Park

"i speak to you as a woman who also loves a boy soldier, loves a boy man..."
Ishle D=<3 "...home."


hmm...


hello, you
ladies made beautiful by longing
i wanna talk to you intimately about the shadow of war across your front lawn.
the hours spent captive in front of the TV
the shape of your arms and his arms
intwined like yellow ribbons in sleep
at night you lie with the boy who plays a soldier by day
he has perhaps whispered into your hair
cried into the sink of your collarbone
you know his fumbling fingers and the opts of his torso
you know how desperately he wants to be a hero
the night is moonless in both countries
looted of its stars
only your eyes are hard and unblinking
as you watch your one man march out like an ant into a horizon of bleak orange dust
into a land where his tongue is dust
and the planes and the motives of his home country fly
miles over his head
what can we do then
i ask you with empty hands
i speak to you as a woman who also loves a boy soldier, loves a boy man
maybe at night we should start a rebellion
whisper to them to hide under covers
or shoot in the wrong direction
tell them that there is no wind in song when you die a young legend
so be a hero playing playstation with your son
or be a man and hold me as if we had just begun
yes, this is a love poem tucked inside of a war poem
for women,
left with bruises, love bites, roses, babies and longings that stretched wider than any flag
for men,
who tuck our best wallet sized photos under their heads
to angel them and soak in all their untold dreams
for lovers,
who dream to see this world whole enough to hold them both
to see this world whole
we are the ones who will bring this world home
-ishle yi park.




i relate to this poem
im giving you my best wallet picture.<3



-----------------------------------------

yes, im gonna miss you.
yes, im still gonna think baout you
and yes, im still going to love you.

at least for now.
so i can have something to cling to.
i guess im one of those clingy types that i hate so much.

but its hard.
hard on me..
because im clinging to someone who doesnt want to be bother with love.
someone who probably has felt the same way.. but that was before.
im clinging to an unrequited love.

and that pains me.
i love those hugs.
b/t classes and after school.
but THATS ALL?
really?
shure i like them, but thats not all i want from you.
but seriously, if asking for your time is too much, i wont.
i just wanna talk to..
like before at work.

because its like i dont even know you
but i still 'love' you.
how is this possible?

i think its my mind playing tricks on me.
because i feel the need to always HAVE someone there,
because my family cant really be trusted.
shure my family loves me... but i dont always feel it.
always looking down on me... always criticizing me...
and YOU were there when they werent.
uknow, before.

when everything was 'ok' and just 'alright'
before the other girl.
before family issues.
when we were 'kids'

now you refuse for me to ever call you kid,
even when i im just kidding.
yea shure.. you tell me i needa grow up.
i CANT.
because i want to be a kid forever with you.
i dont want to grow old with you, thats boring.
i wanna have fun, go out, enjoy life.
the way you make adulthood seem... is serious.

im LEAH.
i cant always be serious.
i FAIL at situations like that.

and honestly when you said that.
my heart broke a little.
but since that day, you said you would leave.
my heart has BEEN breaking a little.

yes. its your fault.
yes its mine too.


its seems as if my brain has locked on to that fact that i love you.
and theres no key to unlock my heart from this torture and agony.. that is.. you.
relics all around my room.. from YOU.
all these songs, movies, colors, pictures. YOU
all these places, parks, restaurants, buses, school. YOU
everything. YOU.
why, you.


ive been dying for the day i would truly get over you.
wondering ever so greatly how id even manage to overcome that feat.
oh, wat an achievement that would be.
oh, wat a day to look forward to.

but iim dreading that day.
dreading that day id lose you.
probably to someone else,
prettier.
more mature.
more loving [impossible]
more understanding to your views [cuz apparently im not]
talented
rich [oh how vain]
someone who'll be there for you...
someone who you can go to
someone who's parents LOVE you
'the one'
yours.

right?
isnt that why you dont want to be in a relationship right now?
because what if 'that ONE person' walks into your life.
the 'perfect' one. the one for YOU.

id love to be that one.
but if i am.
then sorry... you couldnt see it.

or maybe you just dont want ties when you go into bootcamp.
u know... 13 weeks.
then 10 days back.
then ur off again for schooling in some type of infantry.

those 10 days.
ill be waiting.
i want ONE of those days.
just one.
or not even a full day.
even just... 2-3 hours.
to talk.
to listen.
to have you all to myself for just 2-3 hours.
june 28.
im going to cry all night.

anways... where was i going with this blog.
which is similar to probably 20 other ones x.x


oh yea.
why cant i get the FCK over you!.
you never want to talk to me.
hang out with me...
blahblahblah,

but youd want to ask me for help.
for food.
..for money...


thanks.
i feel really wanted.

i dont mind helping you out like that.
but REALLY?
if all a girl wants is time.
i dont see how you cant put aside ONE hour.... for her
or 30 sec. to txt back.
at least once.
i bet this yr alone ive sent you about 20-30 messages.
uve only replied to about... 2-3
wats THAT all about.


hurt, pain, depression.
thats all im getting out of this relationship.
except for that 5 sec. i get when i hug you.
judging on that pro and cons list.
i believe its time to let go.

superman isnt... exactly the person he was before.

gee i cant wait til you leave.
so i can forget ...or try... all about you...
for 13 weeks.... x.x

but im hoping you send me some mail.
cuz ill worry about you every day.



man.. shut up!
><
i have no idea wat to tell myself.
i dont know wats speaking my heart or my head.
and i dont know wat to listen to....

im so confused.

[i think thats obvious]

a crush?

so... wats the difference b/t..

-thinking someone is cute.
-having a crush on someone.
-'liking' someone.



cuz i find it hard to explain wat im feeling.
cuz like.. yea, i know theres still.. kira,
[but im trying my hardest ... to NOT. -.-
but yea...]

so i guess im trying to get over him by...
other ways.
and i feel like i do this alot anyways.
i think guys are cute every now and then.
but idk...

well i dont even really know him,
and THERE. i blow it up as if im crazy about him.
but really i have no idea if i really am or not.
because i dont know him.
i just see him every now and then
and there are small conversations,
but alota staring and eye catching.
which confuses me.. because usually wen that happens theres like some kind of connection.

but yea,
i dunno.
but i want to know.

but i dun wanna seem.. 'easy'?
but i dun want this moment to pass.
gah,
no idea how to handle this.
like i dont wanna mess up and embarrass myself.
cuz i wouldnt mind just being friends w. him if it doesnt 'work out' but still its like ... i wanna try it,
o.o


maybe talking to him more would do,
but being both seniors isnt really ...hmmm,
'helping' the situation.

but then again,
usually wen i 'go for' someone,
there are somewat feelings back.
so... i could try,
but there is something i might lose,
should i take that chance?
go for it?


no idea,


this is my convo in my head sorta censored. lol
random,
but...trying to get to an answer i guess



hm,
we'll see w.i the next few weeks/months.
=/

i wanna start talking to him.
but i dont wanna seem weird.

you know...

YOU were the only reason i got out of bed this morning.
because u said u needed help and i was gonna help you.
[besides Velez and her letter thing]

but cmon,
i was going to STAY HOME.
because i feel like shit.

no one can tell,
i bet you cant.
i look at you in the eyes...
with my eyes like this,
and u cant tell.

after you said... u didnt need help anymore
i could literally hear..

my heart break.




i BROKE DOWN.
ok
i was going to talk to you about it when i was helping u out with ur hw.
but.. i couldnt.

and i dont know who else to go to.


thanks.

i thought when u asked me to help u.
i was wanted.
you know,
i FELT wanted.

but i wasnt.
after all.



it just makes me so much worse.



i dont feel like... doing anything anymore.
YOU were my motivation.


im not exactly sure if that can be true anymore.


-----
i want to see a doctor.
i feel as if im really losing it.
..
i broke down two night in a row.
and i cant sleep right now + my stomach hurts alot.

im scared.

i really want to say im going thru depression.
so i can say its something.

but i have no idea.
is this wat depression feels like?
non stop crying.
for no goddam reason.
then u think of reasons to cry.
and u cant freakin.... stop urself.
then u try hurting utself [not..cut... i promised] to make it stop
but it only makes it worse.

and u keep thinking that the world will be better w/o u.
or.. it doenst matter if u die or not.
no one would care.


and no one listens to you.
u feel alone.
no one understands you.
and u feel like theres no way out of it.
and.. u just want to DIE.
..like.. really die.

.. if thats how depression feels..
i want medication.


im afraid... of myself right now.
fck.

here it comes...

what makes me happy.

these things make me happy.
they make me feel better when im sad.

-shopping.[window shopping too] or... walking in a mall.
-listening to the music i like
-petville o.o'
-dennis's hugs
-playing piano [sometimes]
-going out to eat [at a sit down restaurant]
-ice cream. / frozen yogurt
-rain ..
-cake / ice cream cake / cookies [chocolatechip or white chocolate macadamia]
-nap[s]
-my teddy bear.<3
-youtubing def poetry
-blogging [sometimes]
-playground swings.
-talking to eric on the phone.
-rockband [SRL]
-the hours -after- FYC ends. [hanging out with kuya jeff]
-doing something productive .. but not forced.
-badminton [just for fun]
-watching family guy or the simpsons or american dad or south park with ron
-watching TV with ron XD
-coloring in a coloring book
-going out with my mom [not to her office]
-being out with friends
-sitting on the rooftop
-Wii
-playing yahoo games [collapse and text twist]
-taking a hot shower.
-making stars
-walking with people
-downtown
-board games / cards with ppl
-any minty kinda candy or chocolate [dark]
-cute strangers that smile at u [hah!]
-playing uke to myself and singing
-food network [sometimes] .. other times it bores me
-a good book
-laughing
-going thru the pictures on my laptop
-the deserts from that one place in lions plaza
-eating at sweet tomatoes [i like it :D]
-salmon sashimi / other sushi
-writing on my white board
-spotty [i miss him D=]
-staying up [yea, it makes me feel better]
-SRL moments
-yahoo news [the interesting ones]
-chips [sometimes]
-hot tea [the kind i get from teavana]
-free samples [of good food]
-jokes [sometimes o.o]
-the crazy weird things i do with jovey
-down time [yea, sometimes i just wanna be alone]
-making other ppl feel better.
-tetris
-writing . lyrics/poems/stories
-taking pictures
-chocolate milk
-lying down
-thinking about what makes me feel better.
-stuffed animals [the cute ones!]
-ron break dancing
-reading postsecrets.
-the dogtag
-funny / romantic movies
-japanese/filipino dramas
-'shopping' online
-showing me you care.
-reading this list

><
ive had a BLAH day.
ill look back at this whenever i have another one...

its not right

its just not right to fire ur our niece from her job...because theres OTHER ppl... because she cant drive.. because of her mom not being real family and because other ppl spread stupid rumors and kiss ass.

its not right that my door has to break.. today.
great 2nd day of the dam yr present.

its not right that a 17 yr old girl constantly thinks about death and killing herself.
just because she feels like she does fit in anywhere.
everyone says they care. they say they love her.
how come she doesnt see it.
she doesnt see how DAM lucky she is.
but there she goes,
crying. and wishing kill herself.
she knows where the knives are.
she knows that if u cut urself and emerse urself in water long enough you can knock out.
..
maybe she needs a gun,

its not right that she thinks she needs help but doesnt get it.
she wants a therapist.
because she feels no one really listens..
or has time t..
or understands her.
but she afraid her mom might just bring her back to the doctors.
last yr they said to just put it to god.

wtf,
ur a doctor not a priest.
she wants to know if shes manic depressive.
because shes felt this since last yr.

no one will help her.
thats wat she thinks.


so she fakes it outside,
but she kills herself inside,
might as well kill my whole self if i feel like this all the time now.





its not right for an older sibling watch a younger be more loved.
be more cared for.
be more free.

he gets to drive and look at cars.
and own guns
and go out
and cuss.
and be FREE.


its not fair that all she wants to do is be free.
and she cant.
because shes too DAM dependent on them.

because of her stupid eyesight.

its just not right..
her eyesight seems to be the only problem to her.
she cant take it anymore.

not being able to see in class.
to see 'normal'
watever other ppl can see..she cant.

she cant DRIVE because of it.

dammit.

its just not right that she wants to die
.


she thinks about it everyday.

itll be easier on everyone if i died.
no ones really depending on me anyway.




i should just go.
an kill myself.

it sounds right,

WHAT REALLY?

are you serious?
-.-

you let my brother say.
FUCK BITCH SHIT [etc]

but when the word 'EVIL' comes out of my mouth
you go all BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

i dont even cuss like him..

that makes NO sense.
what kind of example are u setting.



you know.
you showed me how to lie
you taught me how to ignore people
you practically told me how to do all these things.
how to be busy.
busy to ignore your own children for a TV show.
to prioritize work rather than ur kids.
to use the phone while you drive.
to not pay any attention to ur kids while they talk to you about something important.. to them at least.
to just LIVE with something that isnt benefiting you at all.
to tell someone you DONT CARE ABOUT THEM.
to call someone STUPID.
to get mad at small things
YOU taught me that.

its your fault im like this.