you know...

YOU were the only reason i got out of bed this morning.
because u said u needed help and i was gonna help you.
[besides Velez and her letter thing]

but cmon,
i was going to STAY HOME.
because i feel like shit.

no one can tell,
i bet you cant.
i look at you in the eyes...
with my eyes like this,
and u cant tell.

after you said... u didnt need help anymore
i could literally hear..

my heart break.




i BROKE DOWN.
ok
i was going to talk to you about it when i was helping u out with ur hw.
but.. i couldnt.

and i dont know who else to go to.


thanks.

i thought when u asked me to help u.
i was wanted.
you know,
i FELT wanted.

but i wasnt.
after all.



it just makes me so much worse.



i dont feel like... doing anything anymore.
YOU were my motivation.


im not exactly sure if that can be true anymore.


-----
i want to see a doctor.
i feel as if im really losing it.
..
i broke down two night in a row.
and i cant sleep right now + my stomach hurts alot.

im scared.

i really want to say im going thru depression.
so i can say its something.

but i have no idea.
is this wat depression feels like?
non stop crying.
for no goddam reason.
then u think of reasons to cry.
and u cant freakin.... stop urself.
then u try hurting utself [not..cut... i promised] to make it stop
but it only makes it worse.

and u keep thinking that the world will be better w/o u.
or.. it doenst matter if u die or not.
no one would care.


and no one listens to you.
u feel alone.
no one understands you.
and u feel like theres no way out of it.
and.. u just want to DIE.
..like.. really die.

.. if thats how depression feels..
i want medication.


im afraid... of myself right now.
fck.

here it comes...