this is my last post on this blog.

this is my 100th post.
and this shall be may last on here.
ill make another blog but.... that will be later, when im more in the mood to post.


so heres me at the moment.

im busy as hell
its my senior year.
i just got a new job and got my first paycheck.
i have a boyfriend..
im still me.


idk...
tho.

i checked out the college im going to next year for sorta the first time.
and im sorta looking forward to it.

because i definitely wanna get outta here.
but i dont wanna leave my friends.


=/



oh well.








-----------

i called you a bunch of times earlier.
cuz u said ull see me tmrw yesterday.
so i thot ud be coming to practice.
everyone was wondering where u were and asking me.
and it kinda sucks saying.. i dont know, he's not answering my calls.

and .. yea
my mom couldnt pick me up until 5.
so i was planning on hanging out with you the rest of the time.
but you wouldnt answer.

i got there around 12:40 too...
and afterwards i was stranded there.
and i couldnt go home cuz ron has the only freakin copy of the house key.
... its dumb how i dont have one and im the oldest...
and well...
that was my plan when i found out prom was at 12.
because mom had to go somewhere and couldnt be back until 5.... and.. yea
but you wouldnt answer...
and then it was like ur phone was off or something...
so... i made plans with kuya jeff and jeffrey
while waiting for kuya jeff i went over wat i missed
but by the time you called i was kinda pissed.

so ill just talk to you later.


and you sounded kinda pissed in ur voicemail.
so...


i dont even know if u want to.







---------------



yup kinda a sad way to end off this blog.


but this has been a pretty good year or so.... on here.
alota drama and ranting.


good bye.



hello, new blog.

like i said.

it's always been a problem in my relationships.
dont be sorry.
ur not the first.
its me.

its because im too damn busy.
ive basically scheduled my life to be busy because i dont want to be home...
and i dont want to deal with home...
but with that it seems like i attached everything else to home.
like friends.
and fun.
and relaxation.

and seriously.
im thinking its a stupid trait i got from my mom.
because she is always seriously busy,
ever since she quit her job from intel.
[near my 8th grade year]
shes always been working...
and it seems like she doesnt have time for me or ron anymore.
so i started going out.
and ron started going out.
but then eventually it made the whole family split.

and its not like i LIKE it.
i hate it.
but now its normal for all of us.
to all be busy.

but ron hates it.
and thats why ron doesnt like me as much anymore.
because it seems like i dont have time for him.


but ever since 8th grade ive been having to deal with my mom being busy.
and id always yell at her and fight with her saying things like
"you're to busy. u dont spend time with me anymore, u dont care.
it doesnt seem like u love me. you never listen to me....."

and i guess just recently i learned..
thats exactly how ron feels towards me..

and thats how kevin felt....
well dennis... it was different, but yea..

and i wouldnt be surprised if this is how u felt.



karma.?
wat goes around comes around -JT



but now i strive to win back my brothers love.
even tho i gave up on my dad.
if u can tell my family issues are very... complex
and to the point where.
its really hard to follow.
so im sorry im sharing with them to you.


but anyway.


yea,
im busy.
..

and im sorry.


in the past...
i had to freakin ... schedule my friends in so that i could hang out with them.
one time i was hanging out with rosa and sheryl
and i passed out on sheryls bed cuz i was so tired.


so you shouldnt be sorry.
its fine.

i know how u feel....

but let me know how i can fix it.
because i don't want to be like my mom anymore.

im sorry

its not wat u probably expected.

and maybe its just the timing,


it just so happens to have happened the week before the month everything was happening to me.
if that makes sense.



so im sorry.
and I SHOULD BE SORRY.

because...
its ALWAYS my fault and i know it.
in all my relationships,
family, friends, boyfriends.....

because of me being busy.
thats the main problem..
and i guess its because of my decisions that make me stressed that make u feel bad.
so u shouldnt worry, even tho i know u do.
its all me.
i brought this upon myself.

and its in my genes.
stupid.....


=/
i cant wait til the summer time.
not as much to worry about....
just the things i look forward to.
like... FYC summer program,
and jobs,
and leaving.

=/

i hate how you dont even talk to me anymore.
how can u be my brother if we barely speak to each other.


i dont understand y u cant even say hi to me.
it hurts u know.

knowing that ur brother hates u so much he cant even talk to u.
im ur sister...
ur only sister.
ur only true blood related sibling.

and u cant talk to me.


i guess ur gonna love it wen im gone
arent you

you're gonna just love it.


you're the lucky one anyway.
u have talent,
u have dad
u have mom
u have freedom
u have money
u can drive.
u can see
ur a strong person

u dont need me.



i might as well go.






but ill miss you little bro, more than u know.







-------------------------------------

i mean you can talk to kaitlyn , kuya jeff , tiffany and even josh.
but not me.

you can have friends outside of school and hang out with them everyday
and i live with you
u dont even give me the time of day


you can keep conversations with mom AND dad
but wen it comes to me i get one word answers.



its stupid.





and i dont really like ur attitude.

going around cussing
that crip call crap
being 'cool' and all that -.-

and ur LAZY.
u dont help me with some of the chores
u dont clean

and u worry me.
i dont know where the hell u are sometimes.
but im afraid to call.
because u might jus yell or... just not pick up.


but this didnt happen before.
not wen u hung out with my friends.

u were fine.
everything was fine..

whered it go...
whered all of that go....

long day...

but the whole week seems like its gonna be long. o.o its only monday.
=[ but wen its over it would feel like it went by too fast.

i woke up and checked my phone. and i got a missed call from [who cares about nickname anymore] Eric. [lol]
i think 2 missed calls.. so i called him back.
then blah.
then he had to go so he can go to Santa Cruz.
So ... i laid there x.x
i didnt wanna get up
so i picked up my laptop and... randomly surfed the web.
.. =/ dennis got a fb
and he wrote this note thing.
*sigh
its the sad part of his life.
the part that at one point only vlad knew.
i knew this year.
he told me in early jan.. or late dec. i think not exactly sure.
but its really sad...
because his life is.. like that..
he doesnt deserve things like that.
especially because hes done nothing wrong.
i hope he'll be better.
hes strong x.x he'll get thru..
hes leaving anyway. after that he's in charge of his life.
its weird knowing that ill probably not see him again after june 28th [or 27th.. forgot x.x]
and its weird hes telling ppl on his fb about that...
he said he didnt really want everyone to know and stuff about his past life.
but i guess it makes sense.
to clarify to some ppl wat hes been thru.
hm.



soooo
i got up around 11 or something...
did some hw.
and ate.
then showered.

then since it was raining i put the gfs stuff in a box and headed to school.

my dad had to drive me there cuz mom was at work.
i didnt like it.
because sometimes he tries to talk to me..
but whenever he does.
its always the wrong things he talks about.
this time.
he started talking about driving.
and i got sad.
because he went on about it... i replied.. halfheartedly
and it happened the whoooole time. until school =[
it was like... so this is how u back up its easy.
maybe you can learn how to drive.
maggie cant drive at night blahblah [ i think its an affair o.o , but shes a work lady friend ]
and blah mom should teach you
he asked if my friends in school can drive and yea.
and i HAD to bring up the fact that i passed my written test thingy already...
so all i needed to do was learn HOW to drive.
and blah he continued on even more about how my mom should teach me and rawr....=[
verge of tears right there.
[i remember the last time we had a talk like it... i cried.. he didnt know wat i was gonna do in college.]
hm...

i got to school.
cavadas.
there was a surprising amount of ppl for quill.
but i guess it wasnt ALL for quill. lol
gfs stuff... sitting there.
i did some hw.
and they had the old quill on the computers.
the one that wasnt published cuz of the funding last year.
and i found 2 layouts that featured my written stuff :D
i got excited.
but those were about... =/ dennis
and i got blah... cuz i didnt really MEAN the first one.
and i got thru the other one.

the first one was called "spin the bottle"
i wrote it while i was crying over the summer.
we were at downtown and that was the day rosa came with us.
we went like every week or so.. with vlad and dennis [and kimberly and ron] sometimes and andrew came too
and it was dark and we were on the stage in cesar chavez park and it was like 11pm
and we played spin the bottle.
and dennis got me...
well first off vlad got rosa ;D
but that was a loooong time ago.
and yea anyways.
dennis got me.. and he didnt kiss me on the cheek like we said we all would.
he kissed me on the lips.
i wasnt with him, we didnt get together.
i got home that day....
and i cried in my room.
and started typing.
i didnt want it to get all blahrawr.
and so i typed it out
its in the 09 folder lol.
i think luat did the layout or something

and the other one... its called 'try'
i like that one.
its about me trying to get over him.
and in my quill submissions this yr.
i wrote something i finally got over him
lol
nice continuation .

and then i was like.. woah these were my dennis days.
and i think... it was luat who was like
now its eric era.

and then vinh and luat were like...
its dennis days and eric era.
something about alliteration.
leah u should write parallel poems for quill x.x
and blahhhh.
i would,
but i dont want him to feel like im comparing him.
cuz they shouldnt be compared.
but ill think of ideas t/o the week.
i feel like writing it, it sounds fun to write. o.o

then CVC practice.
it was awkward dancing the waltz thing with lewis cuz i sucked x.x
but yea.
i eventually kinda learned. i needa practice =[

then...
erics house [=

=X
wattodo wattodo
random youtube
music
wattodo..wattodo
music man
michelles so cute<3
go home.


yea... i had to lie,
but =/ i kinda always had to.
i feel bad that i have to.
but otherwise i wouldnt be able to go.
next time ill say it.
ill tell her about us thursday night..wen we get back from valleyfair.
after we drop you off... o.o
maybe.

anyways... got home and stuffs. [=
luats weird. we both agree.


time to start random stuff.
[D= busy schedule this week]

tuesday-
10-11am?dentist appt
1-5:30pm kasama meeting for battle skit
6 + pm FYC

wednesday-
9-2pm music man practice
3-5 CVC practice
5-5:30- goodbye core. explanation to jessa... split repsonsibility.. give to matt permanent spot D'=
6-9pm - work. first day of job @ great mall piano shop... o.o

thursday-
9-2pm music man practice
3-9:30pm valley fair con eric

friday-
SRL day :D
[but im apposed to do calc... =/]
ill do it before they come!
and review when they leave.

probably...
rockband
DDR
movies
cartoons
popcorn/ cookies/ cake/ brownies
juice
party/relax day with the girls =P

Saturday-
8-11am calc test x.x
11-1pm CVC practice
1-6pm work
[idk HOW im gonna do all that in that time....] ill hafta leave early or be there late somehow x.x
and then 6+pm spend time with ateh<3 i miss her

Sunday-
10-12noon- church
1-3?pm- haircut.
3+pm - catch up with watever hw i failed at doing within my busy schedule.


friend is supposed to visit me this week.
but idk if thats gonna happen oh well.
idk wat we'd do anyway, we're not even close anymore.
watever.

20 questions

:D

i like it wen we talk for a long time.




it gets interesting =X
then it gets funny. then serious, then random.


<3 Wik.

='/

i did hurt u.

i hate myself for it.


i would take everything back if i could.
i swear.

i regret it...

i dont want to hurt you.
DDDDD=





i wanna make it up to you...
how... how can i make it up to u.

im dying inside.
because i know its causing u pain.
to ur heart.


ur voice is so.... =[

--------


u DID like me freshman yr.
=o

i told u

just about everything.

i hope this doesnt change anything.
i dont want it to. =/

pls dont look at me differently.
its not wat i planned either...

im still blah... abt it...
it feels weird having to deal with it.. even tho i might not seem like that type of person.
im not exactly wat type of person im talking about but. yea...

dont hate me...
i didnt tell anyone because i didnt want them to judge me.
i know u wont...
but maybe in the back of ur mind..
u might regret liking me =/

and just the thot of that makes me sad....




u sound sad...
but watever u ask.
ill answer.
theres no point in keeping it a secret if u wanna know.


i just hope...
im not making a mistake
because ive kept secrets in relationships before.
and that didnt go so well in the end.

i dont like making u sad...
it makes me sad.
ur voice changes wenever i answer questions.
..
should i stop?

it seems like.. im hurting u.
i dont want to hurt u... =[

ur wik...
[i spelled it wrong in the last blog huh,,,x,x.. too lazy to change]


i dont like hurting the people i care for and ...hm,







im sorry =/

because he said so

[=

stuffs eh?
hm...



today was CVC,
then BLAHrawr random unplanned stuff.


i woke up.
and Wic called =P
or i called him. o.o
i forgot lol,

and talktalktalk

shower/eat..etc,

CVC started at 10
with spring practice.
not bad,
but ima hafta learn a dance sooner or later .. says anny
i dont mind [=

then prom,
i brought my heels!
we practiced the lady gaga dance.
i finally got it down [sorta]
its kinda fun lol.

eric came a little late =X
then
the rest of prom practice.
thennn hug<3stuffs.blah.
and short convo about status? kinda.
then mr dang took him away from me =[

and then eventually i had to leave.
and he didnt get back yet.
and i go sad.
so..
i told sean and kim to tell him i said byeee,
cuz i didnt wanna call.
cuz they told me he was in a meeting ..
blah,

moms meeting thing.
we drove to milpitas.
for this realestate meeting thing.
so i stayed in the car.
and started reading the book my mom is challenging me and my brother to read.
if i read it.. and write a summary.
i get $100
and i kinda need it... =/

kasama owes me money.
ALOT of money.
but i cant take out money.
i dont have receipts.
=[
anyways.
Wic called [=
after i gave up reading ..
i got to ch 3 tho!
convo convo convo.
status.


He said i rejected him..
because i didnt answer him. about the status thing.
..
but i didnt mean to reject him.
i like him muchos [=

anyways.
its a small test.
for patience o.o

muahahaha.
i am evil.

lalala,
and its not like i dont want to be with him.


weeeeeee,




then... mom got in the car.
and we went to kalesa to eat.
i love filipino food.

and in the middle of the meal.
some random person called me.
i didnt recognize the voice.
it seemed as if she had the wrong number.
she has a strong asian accent...
and i didnt understand wat she was saying at first.
then i knew...
it was that lady from great mall
who owns the fuzzy panda.
who now owns the piano place.
she said she would call me to hire me.

and she wanted me to stop by today.

i told my mom
and so we did [she said we were gonna go there anyway]
so after we finished eating and stopped by my haircut place [to only set up an appt for the 11th]
we went to Great mall.

:D i got it.
i met art again.
imma be his apprentice.
which is pretty cool.
but then...
she said they days/times.
and i got kinda sad...
because...
=[ i realized how.. BLAHsergfosinvsifnej my schedule is...
i start this week o.o
on Wednesdays [5-9pm]
and.
on Saturdays [1-6pm]

but..
im supposed to have FYC core on Wednesday from... 5-9-10-11...
ima miss it alot.
kinda.
lol
but i feel bad for leaving it.
i dont want to.
because i really want to help plan my last battle.
i just really hope that there will be a second day added soon.
[on monday] >=]
rawr...
ima miss some people.
but on the other hand ill be glad to not spend another afternoon with other people x.x

BLAH.
i will video log. this week.
talk to jessa about finance committee....
ima die.
FYCCCCC. gah,



anyways.
me and mom went around Gmall
i took a look at the group USA dresses.
to get my picks ready for CVC..
then we walked around and did alota window shopping.

and yea.
Group USA
wet seal
love culture.
izod [for mom x.x]
papaya
american eagle
forever 21
amuse

home.




i got home...
[facebooktime]
and then practiced piano o.o
x.x
i got thru all of act one.
except for my white night.
its evil.
5 flats to 5 sharps...
to 4 flats to 5 flats again.
its a really mean 6 pages.
*sigh.

tmrw thats the first thing i work on wen i practice.
then on to act two.
and on monday i will go thru the whole play x.x

and tuesday.
same thing.




i cant wait for thursday. <3


but sunday-wednesday is in b/t



tmrw...
church.
then
home - piano / clean room / do hw?



monday
piano / clean room / do hw?
until 1...
1-5 CVC practice
5+ ?


tuesday
10am- dentist appt
12/1+ sometime before 6- Kasama meeting for battle skit
6-11?- FYC



wednesday
9am-2pm - music man
3-5 CVC practice
5-... FYC core.. goodbye.
6-9 - first day of new job [ i asked to start late..... because of core quit]


thursday
9-2pm - music man
3+? - Wik?


friday
idk...
finish hw.
school for... calc tutoring? .. maybe



saturday
8-11? - calc test
11-1 - CVC practice
1-6 - 2nd day of work



sunday
10-12 church
1-?- hair cut
?-nighttime- finalize hw stuffs.






great.
no time for hw huh?

April 2

in more than ten words.
. lol



music man.
=[ i feel like i did a horrible job and that jenson is disappointed in me.
but i know its my fault.
for not practicing as hard as i should have.
but for these next few weeks. i gotta push myself harder than ever.
=/ cuz i dont wanna suck.


and Wik [=
i like how these things let us have time together.
its nice to be around him.
haha it feels nice too.
so we blahblahblah today.
twas interesting.
inthegoodway.
i liked it.
he doesnt fail.[=
hes sweet.<3
he told me i was beautiful.
and i was in sweats and my hair was blah.
and yea [=
hes really sweet.
haha.
and i learned something today.
surprisingly..
but i dont mind.


[=
adds more special-ness to all this.
i like the way u hold me. we fit.

and i kissed u goodbye on ur check.





off to SRL afternoon @ rosas house

we watched a bunchof stuffs.
first...
dodgeball XD, funny movie.
then cook cookie dough.
and popcorn
and pictures
then... random other stuff.
like... two and a half men
rugrats
the news, lol
topmodel,etc.

fun.
i missed them alot.
good catch up.
wosa took out her scrapbook.
those were the days man...
gah,
and then
home.

and now.
[=

20 questions

and also,
that we'd be friends no matter what.
and
we'd take care of each other like now.
and like each other<3
and be there for each other.
and have fun / hang out more.
and..
we go out and get me a new teddy bear.
[=


but that would lead to kissing =X
and holding hands more =]

i wouldnt mind at all.

we'll seeeeeeeee