GG

my birthday was a turnaround.
kinda

'yesterday' came back.
and now we're "cool" again i guess.
he apologized, he told me almost everything
and now its "normal"

but its not.
..
he kissed me.
i still felt.. love.
wen i was trying to let go.


how am i supposed to get over u ..
if u kiss me,





was it because it was my birthday?
im confused.



agh, i was trying so hard.
and now im back to square one,
or two or something,




because i care for you so much x.x
and u kissed me.



i usually dont kiss and tell- especially all those other times,
but like...
wat the eff man,




=[

im so confused.
because,
i was trying to not.. like
FALL for anyone,
kinda.


i wanted to be... 'single'
and not have anyone in particular in my mind,
kinda,


or.. have someone else
but i dont want that someone else to be like.. rebound.

and now its just awkward.



wat am i supposed to do now?
keep on kissing back?
or..
tell u to leave me alone? NO.
i dont wanna you to leave me anymore,

but i dont wanna get into a relationship.,
but thats a lie...
i miss you,

but its different,
i cant be with you at school.

UGH!!!! its gah,



we'll see how this plays out...i guess,

a couple more months to go... before O.O =[ u leave,

yesterday

all my troubles seemed so far away ..
now it seems as tho they're here to stay.
oh, i believe in yesterday

suddenly
im not half the girl i used to be
theres a shadow hanging over me
oh yesterday came suddenly,[?]

whyd he have to go
i dont know he wouldnt say
i said something wrong,
now i long for yesterday

yesterday
love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh i believe in yesterday

whyd he have to go
i dont know he wouldnt say
i said something wrong,
now i long
for yesterday..


o.o

man,
im so tired,
i cant even cry anymore.


im too tired to even cry.

but i can type a blog.
[crazy -.-]



ive been wondering about wat i should do about this dogtag.
ive been so used to wearing it all the time...
nowadays i bring it with me everywhere... but i dont wear it,
it makes me both smile and cry... wen i look at it

its the biggest symbol of you i have.
maybe thats y i cant... let it go.
someone told me to throw it away.
and someone else told me to give it to them and they'll go hide it somewhere so ill never find it...

i said no.
i wanted to keep it.
forever.

and forever, is a long time..
its so long... its never reachable.

i guess im treating it
like how im treating u...


i try not to think about it
but its always there,
always near me [in my pocket]
but if its not in my pocket i always keep it in my sight.
i still care for it.
never dropped it before,
never let anyone else hold it w.o me holding it too.
never shy to explain it.

it helped me sleep.
it helped me thru tough times
it reminded me that someone cares.
it reminded me that you still loved me and cared for me so much that ...u gave it to me.

it made me realize,
..ull be leaving,



why... did u have to go..
why couldnt we still jus be friends.
at least say hi to each other wen we pass by or wen we're near each other.





it kills me to see you...
but we cant talk.

not even a wave...
nothing.



and i ALWAYS see you.
its inevitable
u always seem to be there.
no matter what..



how am i supposed to get thru this.

if i see you this much.
or
if i have all these things that i used daily... that are from you
or
if i pass by all these places that.. remind me of you
or
....
if i cant get you out of my freakin thoughts.mind...life,



tell me how...

><




hmm,
yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away..
stupid problems.
that are here to stay...

i miss 'yesterday'

.
im not as strong a girl i used to be.
...
i cry a lot
and ive been out of it,

losing papers
forgetting a lot...
almost failing stuff.

im... not myself anymore..
most of the time,

i mean, i can still be that fake girl i am most of the time,..

thats easy,
remember? im a good actor.

i miss 'yesterday'
when u brang out.. ME...
...



love was such an EASY game to play..

now i have to hide.
hide it all. away.

i want 'yesterday' to come back


..

i look back to 'yesterday'
why did you want me to go..
why'd you have to go...

u told me...
it wasnt clear..
did i say something wrong..?
...was it partially my fault.


stupid...'yesterday'.



....



o.o

and now so i can forget about yesterday...

i should..


keep myself busy...
but the thing is.

i dont want to be busy anymore.
im so tired.


im tired of it...
of everything.
of ALL of it.

i dont want it anymore,
any of it.
i want to not worry about anything for a day.
just one day...

...thats my only birthday wish..


just for one day...

nothing,




but thats impossible,
...







geee, im gonna have a great birthday this year.

o.o

i will and i am.
i got thru today,
i can get thru tmrw.

i cant get thru any day.
everyday, ill try.

its tough wen i see you,
and tougher wen i think of you.

but im doing it,

ill fulfill your last request,
but itll take a while.
a long while.
true.




but it leads me to another thought,
of how..
i wont be able to move on.
i can... 'move on'..
but not.. MOVE ON.
if that makes sense,

because ive tied love to your name.
the word.
the meaning.
the feeling.
to you.

so...
im afraid to find someone else,
because its gonna feel like
im just using the to get over you.
or something like that.
uknow?


i dont wanna hurt someone,
ive done it before,
u know..
with kevin.
because i went back to you.
during.
*sigh,




so,
im losing it.
o.o
slowly.

luckily,
slowly.




lol,
im looking tho,
its jus hard to find someone.

and no,
im not forgiving him
to me..
as i see it.
hes another reminder to me of you.
so ill need to let go of him for a while too.
..


to clear my mind.
ill spend time with the girls,
i miss them.

ive been spending most of my days with you guys.
and neglecting them.

so,
here i am SRLdays<3
i miss you.



gah,
i havent seen sheryl in forever.



and guess wat?
i want you to know that im putting together something for you.
youll see, eventually.

and ull know wen it comes.

takecare ok?



...
:)

im sick of it,

im tired of it.
I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE.


i cant get over u.



and it hurts,


because i cant go around like you do.
it seems like ur over it,
ur done with it.
u put it all aside.

u put me aside...



as if,
love was never a part of it.





LOVE.

how can love hurt more than hate.
i dont care if you hate me,
ill jus let you be then if you hate me.
i wouldnt hate you but id let you be.
but i cant just let you be.

im attached to you.
ive grown onto you.
im STUCK.

because " i love you "
because of the "i love you's"

why!
WHY!?!?

cant i let go of you.




i get it.
you want me to leave you alone,
you want me to stop
you want me to shut up
you want me to not love you anymore.
is that it?
thats wat im getting from you.
you dont love me.
you dont care.
you dont give a dam about my feelings,

thats y u play around with them so much.
because you know... that you can get away with it
because you can get away with me.
..because you know id do anything for you
ANYTHING.... anything..
because of my longing to be loved.
to feel loved.

because i dont get the attention i long for anywhere else but when im with you
because you make me happy.

but i guess you dont see that.
i guess you dont see me for my entirety.
or at least how i feel...




lately you've been avoiding me.

thats y i said i get it...


because... i need to let go.
I NEED TO FCKING LET GO OF YOU.
..

stupid superglue.
...


i let myself stay too long,..




i try to avoid you now too.
its hard.

you always seem to be... there

but its odd.
because i find myself looking for you...
and i hate it.






let go already dammit.

ur showing me all the signs ...
telling me to just leave you alone.




so i will,
im trying.





... but my birthdays coming up..

and its gonna be lonely.
not lonely as in solitude,
but lonely as in the feeling of loneliness.....
ill be surrounded by people.
but its not the same..








all i want for my birthday is to be happy.
REALLY happy.

and i dont know how ill ever get that...


...


this dogtag....
..

the way i handle situations...

i think that the way i handle different situations completely depends on my mood.
which is bad.
because, i shouldnt put my feelings into certain things.

i find myself neglacting kasama.
last year.
i longed to have the power of the president because it felt like i was doing alot... as i thot. back then.

but now...theres just...way too much things to worry about.
each officer has his or her own input.
but i cant fit the need of everyone.
and i feel bad for lacking.
for lacking in wateever category I'm lacking in...
i dont want to be that on president who sucked.
because..
i wanted this.
all the presidents before me were great.
ateh cheryl
june
eileen
>< wahhhh.
i dont know how to handle it because...

stupid ACT and Mr K's test coming up the weekend before heritage...
its all at once.
everything...
><

then Heritage Week.
i have...3 weeks to successfully teach them the routine.
im terrible.
ill make a schedule for it in band or something o.o
well...
i dont have the strength to make those little flyer things,
so..
ill jus tell each dance leader to say their practices. or write them on the board.
BLAH!

and wats worse it.
im getting my social life all
mixed up into things.

im thinking of way too many things at once.
and i KNOW im gonna break down soon.
i just hope its not during a critical period.
basically this whole month.
hello october.
i have october and may.
too many things go on.

i think about
learning all the songs successfully for choir. AND band....
=[ by this friday for band. GAH.
i think about
schoolwork... psychology.. robinson x.x, calculus... torres [crap....project due this week]
i think about
kasama
heritage week practice
eskrima sticks
shirts
minutes..
reimbursement... its like $130 right now.. i needa bring it up w. kuya marcus =[
fundraisers
wtf about multi
new stuff for workshops..[later, but workshops start in nov.]
i think about
family
trouble, mom works to hard. dad tries to care but it isnt working
rons getting there..
grandpas finally walking again
i hope grandmas not as depressed anymore
i think about
friends
and how they hate me because im busy
and how i hate me... for being so DAM busy...
thats how i feel wen my moms busy.
its so stupid..
i dont wanna be like her, never.
..ever.

friends and how they say they accept me
but do all these things as if they wanted me to change

friends and how they dont realize how left out i feel at times

friends who cant tell im not ok.
friends who can but dont know wat to do or just dont do sht abt it.

friends who think.. they can get away with watever u want.

or a friend who,
you did SO much for. you gave yourself, you helped your friend through, you were there as much as you could be, you dedicated yourself to this friend so that your friend would feel loved, feel wanted in this life, feel that there ARE people who care about your friend. because you LOVE HIM.
you're just so afraid of letting him go because, you cant picture yourself with him.
but you cant accept the fact hes leavin..
hes leaving in june.
he'll be gone,
wtf will you do then?
cry?

like you always do.
cry and not say a word to anyone?
cuz theres no one out there you can talk to
who you can trust...
who will actually listen.
and just listen.
NO ONE?

thats why you feel like blowing up.
because hes getting to you.
again,

its been FOUR years leah.
will you just stop,


i cant..


your friend,
is as of right now,
taking advantage of you.

and you dont want to say anything because you like it.
i like feeling loved by someone,
you long for it.
u dont get it from your dad
or even you brothers much.

you long for things you dont/cant have.


thats why its so hard for you to let go.
its addiction at its less discrete forms.


you miss him.
you tell him you love him.

do you get that back?


LOOK AT YOU,
..
im arguing with myself.
about a friend.
on a blog thing...


how much more can you take.

i know,
you want to move away.
away from this place so that...
none of this can bother you,


but you cant always run from things you dont like
sometimes you have to face it head on.

im hearing his words.
in my words.

hes getting to me again.

why cant,
just get you
out of my head.



cuz i think im in love.

because i WANT to love someone.

i tried with nathan.
but you...

you told me.
and i believed you.


I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.


the fck did you do that for.
lead me on.


well,
its been a month,




i hate how bipolar i get with you.
one moment we could be o.o
the next we're arguing about something i didnt wanna talk about anymore but you two jus had to fcking push me to the edge.




i guess the song fits,
ihatehatiloveyou.


for now,
thats how i feel..
i guess tonight,

because it kills me.

to feel this way.
.....






backtothis;

i think about
my condition,
stupid eyesight.

i cant drive because of it.
..
period.
story continued next time,
because i dont wanna cry more that i already fckin am



i think about
the way i see myself or the way others see me in public
because im a self-conscious person.
and im uncomfortable with my vision in front of others.


i think about
college apps.
and having no time to practice my college audition pieces.
and how.
i might jus...
not try,


but i leave this all out of my mind,
because theres too many things.

i wanna tell someone,
i wanna talk to someone
but theres no one.

cuz no one EVER, listens.

i GIVE a dam about ppl.
but how come everyone is so selfish enough to always talk about them.

thats y im shut up.
in my own box in my head.

while i let others fill my box... with them.




i listen.
do you?



..


i think too much.
i do too much.

i need a vacation.


screw you.

im going to Boston on Saturday.

im sorry im disappointing you again.
i need this.





im too emotional.

Three weeks.

three weeks until ACT
three weeks until Mr K's first Saturday Calculus test
three weeks until Heritage week performance...
three weeks until halfway through the CSU filing period
three weeks until the last week of october... [ november... x.x ]
three weeks until ..my birthday.



im surprised its getting to me.