the way i handle situations...

i think that the way i handle different situations completely depends on my mood.
which is bad.
because, i shouldnt put my feelings into certain things.

i find myself neglacting kasama.
last year.
i longed to have the power of the president because it felt like i was doing alot... as i thot. back then.

but now...theres just...way too much things to worry about.
each officer has his or her own input.
but i cant fit the need of everyone.
and i feel bad for lacking.
for lacking in wateever category I'm lacking in...
i dont want to be that on president who sucked.
because..
i wanted this.
all the presidents before me were great.
ateh cheryl
june
eileen
>< wahhhh.
i dont know how to handle it because...

stupid ACT and Mr K's test coming up the weekend before heritage...
its all at once.
everything...
><

then Heritage Week.
i have...3 weeks to successfully teach them the routine.
im terrible.
ill make a schedule for it in band or something o.o
well...
i dont have the strength to make those little flyer things,
so..
ill jus tell each dance leader to say their practices. or write them on the board.
BLAH!

and wats worse it.
im getting my social life all
mixed up into things.

im thinking of way too many things at once.
and i KNOW im gonna break down soon.
i just hope its not during a critical period.
basically this whole month.
hello october.
i have october and may.
too many things go on.

i think about
learning all the songs successfully for choir. AND band....
=[ by this friday for band. GAH.
i think about
schoolwork... psychology.. robinson x.x, calculus... torres [crap....project due this week]
i think about
kasama
heritage week practice
eskrima sticks
shirts
minutes..
reimbursement... its like $130 right now.. i needa bring it up w. kuya marcus =[
fundraisers
wtf about multi
new stuff for workshops..[later, but workshops start in nov.]
i think about
family
trouble, mom works to hard. dad tries to care but it isnt working
rons getting there..
grandpas finally walking again
i hope grandmas not as depressed anymore
i think about
friends
and how they hate me because im busy
and how i hate me... for being so DAM busy...
thats how i feel wen my moms busy.
its so stupid..
i dont wanna be like her, never.
..ever.

friends and how they say they accept me
but do all these things as if they wanted me to change

friends and how they dont realize how left out i feel at times

friends who cant tell im not ok.
friends who can but dont know wat to do or just dont do sht abt it.

friends who think.. they can get away with watever u want.

or a friend who,
you did SO much for. you gave yourself, you helped your friend through, you were there as much as you could be, you dedicated yourself to this friend so that your friend would feel loved, feel wanted in this life, feel that there ARE people who care about your friend. because you LOVE HIM.
you're just so afraid of letting him go because, you cant picture yourself with him.
but you cant accept the fact hes leavin..
hes leaving in june.
he'll be gone,
wtf will you do then?
cry?

like you always do.
cry and not say a word to anyone?
cuz theres no one out there you can talk to
who you can trust...
who will actually listen.
and just listen.
NO ONE?

thats why you feel like blowing up.
because hes getting to you.
again,

its been FOUR years leah.
will you just stop,


i cant..


your friend,
is as of right now,
taking advantage of you.

and you dont want to say anything because you like it.
i like feeling loved by someone,
you long for it.
u dont get it from your dad
or even you brothers much.

you long for things you dont/cant have.


thats why its so hard for you to let go.
its addiction at its less discrete forms.


you miss him.
you tell him you love him.

do you get that back?


LOOK AT YOU,
..
im arguing with myself.
about a friend.
on a blog thing...


how much more can you take.

i know,
you want to move away.
away from this place so that...
none of this can bother you,


but you cant always run from things you dont like
sometimes you have to face it head on.

im hearing his words.
in my words.

hes getting to me again.

why cant,
just get you
out of my head.



cuz i think im in love.

because i WANT to love someone.

i tried with nathan.
but you...

you told me.
and i believed you.


I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.


the fck did you do that for.
lead me on.


well,
its been a month,




i hate how bipolar i get with you.
one moment we could be o.o
the next we're arguing about something i didnt wanna talk about anymore but you two jus had to fcking push me to the edge.




i guess the song fits,
ihatehatiloveyou.


for now,
thats how i feel..
i guess tonight,

because it kills me.

to feel this way.
.....






backtothis;

i think about
my condition,
stupid eyesight.

i cant drive because of it.
..
period.
story continued next time,
because i dont wanna cry more that i already fckin am



i think about
the way i see myself or the way others see me in public
because im a self-conscious person.
and im uncomfortable with my vision in front of others.


i think about
college apps.
and having no time to practice my college audition pieces.
and how.
i might jus...
not try,


but i leave this all out of my mind,
because theres too many things.

i wanna tell someone,
i wanna talk to someone
but theres no one.

cuz no one EVER, listens.

i GIVE a dam about ppl.
but how come everyone is so selfish enough to always talk about them.

thats y im shut up.
in my own box in my head.

while i let others fill my box... with them.




i listen.
do you?



..


i think too much.
i do too much.

i need a vacation.


screw you.

im going to Boston on Saturday.

im sorry im disappointing you again.
i need this.





im too emotional.