i have a headache

because i think too much
and i do too much
...


main problems/dilemmas/worries/blahs...;

1- college apps;
i turned in SJSU SFSU CSUMB CSUEB and UOP..
yet to turn in BERKLEE, SFC [?], SC...[othermusiccolleges?]
..
to do list;
send in transcripts [copy address's bring to mr flores]
ACT,SAT scores [ sent? o.o check ]
set up audition dates for all [email dr mok for SJSU]
learn audition songs for all
type up Artistic Resume
Berklee = 14 short answers + essay...
look up past works [ all classical repertoire in high school that ive played ]
find recommenders..
[ugh, i know im missing some >< ]


2- winter concert
i play 8 songs, [40% of the concert]
with, i would like to say optional, solo piece,
but i want to decline the solo piece... 8 is too much..
and i still have to 'learn' two of them...

songs;
ode to beethoven [to learn]
joshua fit the battle of jericho [:D]
dont stop believin [memorized]
through fire and flames [x.x]
double trouble [to learn]
can you hear the bells [to 'perfect']
all i want for christmas is you [memorized]
christmas on broadway [to 'perfect']


3- school...
i cant seem to wake up in the morning,
i dont look forward to school at all anymore,
i dont even feel like i have friends i can really hang out with...
i dont ...
i cant seem to find a place where im not bored..
its just not getting to me anymore
i cant seem to grasp the concept that this is my last yr here and should enjoy it..
i dont seem to get that i need to stop waking up late.

my body doesnt seem to understand that school starts at 8:30...><
hm...

you already know about my first 2 classes.. they're stressful because of the concert coming up in a week and half..
psych isnt bad, i like it..its easy,
i know wats going on
its pretty easy to concentrate in that class [ besides the fact that ppl talk in the back and are really ANNOYING ]
its fun too, i like wat im learning,


i seem to be procrastinating in english, alot.
i think its of habit from last yr..
i wish i didnt,
im supposed to be an 'AP' student, but im taking regular english
and i have a C.
WTF does that tell you about me..
/= im a horrible person...
i just dont enjoy it as much as lovato got me to enjoy it.
no lie, i LOVE mrs robinsons class,
but im just.. really out of it in there,

calculus is killing me,
i dont understand integration..
its like chinese to me..
and i can barely read tagalog.
hm...
deriving is my comfort zone,
and id rather not step out of it...
during this stressful time.

great timing again calculus.. =[
i need to start concentrating in this class...
but if i could only see the DAM BOARD....
i hate my vision
its so...stupid..
it.. prevents me from flourishing .
.not only in calc,
but in alot of things...

i bet you, if i could see... it could help me concentrate,
and id be on that top 15,
and itd be one less thing to worry about...


im somewhat sorta lost in govt.
i get it,
i understand it
i know wats going on in that class.
..
its just hard for me to memorize it
or recall the answers.
im paying attention i swear,
but even if i do study,
i dont know who is what... and wen was wat or where.
.. it doesnt stick to me


..

4- kasama
im really glad heritage week is over,
but...cmon guys,
im doing those fckin worshops for YOU,
im spending MY time.
after school for YOU.
but you guys dont even give a damn,
you wanted it,
here it is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
and u dont go.
how is that supposed to make me feel?
u know what?
i even tell you guys to go to FYC,
and u dont...
how is THAT supposed to make me feel?
my officers cant even.. ugh,
im not even gonna start,
at least some ppl DO their respective jobs on time.
i thank you 2.
but honestly.
its a responsibility issue on your part,
watch,
ima put u guys in charge of something
and purposely let you guys FAIL.
so you can fcking see what you're doing.
i dont want to do everything,
im not supposed to,
you're supposed to be helping.
jsrks...

one day,
you'll see ..
maybe i should stop going to FYC,
so we wont be in battle,
it wont be my fault.
itd be all yours,
all of YOU guys. would be to blame,
ive done my job,
ive done my part,

but you guys dont care.
you're all just selfish.
..

kasama;
we're suppoesd to do this all together,
im trying to teach you,
but a teacher cant teach without students,
i respect and praise those of you who actually come,
but.. no one else seems to care,
so why continue?


so thanks,
i love kasama and all,
but one of these days ima just quit.
and we'll see how bad it gets w/o me..


ill keep doing workshops even if its just me,
because i AM dedicated to this club ...
because thats how ive always been,
im dedicated and committed..
even if it'll kill me,
or harm my health..

its always been like that.
its always something else first,
then me.

becuase i dont see anyone else put me first...
ever,
.. i dont deserve to be first anyway.
because im even second to myself... or third or..fourth..or fifth.....


5- love life

awww cmon,
im not even supposed to be worrying about stupid sht like this..

im lost..
really,
i have no idea wat to do,
no idea where to go
who to talk to
who to run to
who to... love.
who to like,
what to act like
..

wat the fck do i do..

do i continue this stupid.. friends with benefits thing. .thats been going on for a while....
or do i just say no the nest time he tries to kiss me...
or should i ask him if he wants to be.. yea RIGHT. ..he'll probably say no.
or maybe i should ask for all my money to be paid back..
i should stop loving him,
but i cant.
or i can, but the kisses always confuse me.

.. i dont like confusion.


do i continue trying to go for him?
or should i just stop and leave him alone, because i think im annoying him and he probably doesnt like me anyway.. he might like someone else now or should i tell him im getting over or trying to get over the other person.
or should i ask him about that girl he likes to hug...
or should i call him..... no... should i? ...eh.. ><

do i continue acting all nice to this guy?
or.. tell him i only want to be friends with him.. not anything more... hes a nice guy and all, but i dont think id want anything more that a friendship with him... but its hard because that class is something i love... but it kinda bothers me.. that i have to be.. 'mean'?

do i get to know him?
or is it juts going to be even more confusing.... so i shouldnt talk to him because maybe he has a girl in his mind anyway and i should leave him be.. and dont make him worry about me.. maybe its just another random stupid FYC crush.


do i even really need to care about all this?
or should i just give up love and liking someone and guys altogether for now and just worry about now.

impossible,
its everywhere
everyday.
every second.
renewed every weekend.
subdued every night.
reborn every morning..
...
but i gotta fight it,
and make shure,
i know what i want.

right now,
i dont know..

right now im still figuring stuff out,
i just hope it wont be too late wen i do know wat i want...

its
going
by
too
fast...



6- family
ahh,, family.
...

basically,
ppl need learn how to listen to each other.
respect each other.

and actually treat family.
like their own damn FAMILY.



...thas all i gotta say,


7- friends.

hah,
wat friends.

besides
SRL...
...
ron
eric
dennis..
jovey
kuya jeff
tiffany


who else do i really have.








... i need to make some schedules
... i need to think about wat i really want
... i need to relax..
... i need a break.