o.o

i dont feel that i should be blogging everyday [sometimes twice]
but...
it happens,
i end up on here, and ...yea. i just... type.

i found it to be a good stress reliever.
even its im ranting about random shituff.

blogging and playing piano + music in general.

i can live like this.
-.- but there has to be... other things in life =/
dammit.




i didnt see you all day today.
where were u.
i asked u to christmas in the park...
but i guess u didnt really want to go.
maybe its me.
.. if those girls asked u..
u probably wouldve been glad to.

im horrified to find that you of all ppl...
would be happy with someone else.

but its the sad truth.


[AGHHHHHH, i watched MP's drama perform "A Christmas Carol'
and now... theres this British accent inside my head...
its driving me crazy ><]


anyways, yea....
i missed u.
i waited for u...
before 5th period.
when we usually meet.
and u didnt come.

heres an epic recap. told in 3rd person

picking up her stuff she headed towards the back of the room.
she opened the back door and stepped out into the moist winter air.
the ground was wet from the rain from the previous night.
she walked forward, both glancing at the ROTC door and the lockers ahead of her.
reaching her locker she realized it odd, how he didnt show up
he was usually early and ahead of her.
opening her locker she sees the lunch she packed with the extra food to give to him.. and she sighed to herself.
once again she looked towards the door... it opened, a couple girls in uniform stepped out and turned towards the ROTC lockers.
she thought to herself, maybe hes sick..
spotting the person behind her waiting for a turn to get to her locker she took her english binder out and closed her locker.
briskly walking away to suddenly stop.
there were still a decent amount of people in the quad
so she waited.
standing at the entrance of the english building
people passed her, some said hi other walked on past her minding their own business.
as if they didnt see this desperate lovestruck schoolmate...
she felt full of emotion and thought.
'wat if hes not here today, maybe hes sick....'
'wat if he just doesnt want to see me...'
'maybe hes avoiding me because he doesnt wanna come to christmas in the park..'
'wat if hes walking someone to class'
'..maybe hes just with his recruiter again =/'
'wat if hes busy in there, maybe.. he is'
she left after the thought of being late to robinsons class consumed her for a long enough period of time.
oh, wat things can happen within the moments of passing period.
6 minutes.
it can mean everything.
it can mean trip to the bathroom b/t 2 classes in which you cant leave at all
it can mean wonderous walk wen [if u have one] ur b/f-g/f meets you outside of class to walk you to ur next
it can mean a good talk with a freind.
it can mean a rush from math to the portables. or viceversa
it can mean that moment of the day where u see that person, that moment u woke up for this morning.
the moment uve been waiting for since yesterday at the same time.
to her, it mean heartbreak because the moment was lost.
and it was a friday.
she left into the hall, but couldnt resist turning back a couple of times,
only to catch nothing,
the quad was empty.
the doors were shut
it was quiet.
the mood of the atmosphere fit her perfectly.
gloomy, no hope. sad.
she walked to where her classmates were
and heard they had a sub,
she was relieved.
they were to go to the computer lab,
which meant passing the quad again.
she was elated.
maybe he was coming out late, she thought to herself.
she walked ahead of the grp smiling inside,
only to find the quad the same as it was a minute ago.
he wasnt there,
the door didnt open.
she walked slower,
sulking.
didnt feel need to work in the upcoming period.
she needed some piano time.
he let her down again.
..
but maybe she should just stop expecting.
life doesnt work that way



omg,
im blah.
yea,
ive been wanting to txt him.
and ask him where hes been.
but i cant get mad at him.
it wont do any good.

i find myself more and more
believing i have both mood and personality disorders.
one is this,
of mood disorders;
manic depression...
or depression maybe.
i feel... as if im not in control of the situation because of wat had happened before when i was not..
so i dont do anything about it..
because i couldnt do anything before.
'learned helplessness'

im stuck in a relationship that shouldnt even be called one.
i just call it that because.. its wat i want it to be.
and i think that he can be the meanest person to me.
and i wouldnt care,
because... of the way i am.
because i love him.
" ...."
right..-.-

lets move on.
i always...
tend to ramble wen it gets to him.
its funny because,
we dont talk much.
but i can talk about him endlessly.
i miss him.





-------

i made myself busy tonight,
so i wouldnt be alone.
id just cry again.
like the other nights.
its 3 months in counting.
u owe me for that watch.
dont u?
did u forget,
or dp u just not want to worry about it.
i literally became broke.
after i bought it.

i didnt tell u afterwards.
because i didnt want u to get hurt.
of course i wanted to buy u it...
but u were supposed to pay me back.
u said..
and i dont want to ask.
because its rude.
honestly.
so ill wait.

unless wat u said on my birthday...
was about the watch as well
then... its understandable.
im just not shure tho...

i hope u take care of it with all ur might.
it took me probably a month to earn that much.
and i used it all.
for u.

i hope u know how much u mean to me.
and i hope ur not using me.
id kill myself if i ever found that out.

ill txt u tmrw night.
because work is the next morning.




------------

im... tired.

of it all.













----
i want to find someone else,
maybe even just for a little bit.
someone i can love...
or at least like a lot..
w/o having it turn into... pain.
but i dont want to be someone..
who would go out and have someone as if they were replacing u.
or.. something like that.
i dont want to hurt someone else..
because of u. and ur place in my heart.
its impossible,
thats y.. im single.
because im afraid to hurt someone.
and..
because of you.
...


i want to find someone else..