i hope ull understand someday.

Ron, i hope ur ok.
i know the fish died, but i hope u dont get as sad as wen jeffrey died ='/
it was heartbreaknig.
and this is kinda heartbreaking too.
first, hot sauce,
now pho...
and the other 2 we didnt name didnt even die yet.
gah.
hm... its still sad tho.
but life happens,
death happens.
..
i dont wanna get mad anymore.
i know u get.. blah wen im mad.
sorry.
its really weird for me..
sometimes,
i have no idea why tho.
its just me.. im sorry.
im trying,
ill try harder going into next week.
i dont wanna be like this anymore.
i feel as if its always my fault in the end.
and it makes me... depressed.
[.. if i were to ever die,
ud get all my stuff.. distribute back to person who gave it to me.
ask dennis for help.]


o.o
Dad,
i wish u knew my name.
u named me.
i wish u could understand wat im saying w.o translation frm my mom...
even after i said it... 5 times.
i wish u devoted the same amount of time to me as ur TV time with wowowee...
i wish i was closer to u.
ur becoming to be like tatang [grandpa]
-detached, quiet, hardworker.
... at least he knew my name before the accident.
i wish u knew more about me.
i cant believe u asked me wat my major was a month ago.
u know... im doing all this music stuff...
to get attention from u [one reason actually =/]
but i guess its not working.
u thot id be a nurse.
hah.
great job dad.
all u talk to me about is are u going to work, how was work, wake up, eat something, cook me something, 'thank yous', close the light/window, lock the door, the car is open, hi...
the other conversations we have end up w. me getting mad or frustrated with u.
u dont understand me.
maybe u dont wanna deal with girls anymore.
because of u and ur 2 'wives'.
fck u dad.
for breaking moms heart.
and having 3 sons.. and me..
the only daughter,
neglected, alone, unloved.
ill respect u until i leave,
ill only come back for mom, ron and my 2 half olderbros.
because u dont even try.
not even any hugs.
at all.
..
and not that i WANT presents.
but cmon... its probably been 10 or more yrs... since i got one from u.
unless i ask.
im just... sad because id expect things from parents.
i dont want ur money unless u give it to me on ur own free will.
[or i work for it... or i REALLY REALLY DESPERATELY need it. its only happened once]
..
u just sit there and watch wowowee...
where all the beautiful girls are..
all the talented people.
the money.
.
thanks for making me feel like shit in my own families house...
i hope ull realize wen i leave.
i hope mom divorces u,
shes helped u out too long,
even thru after EVERYTHING uve put her thru...
she hasnt yet.
she can support us fine w.o u.
ur not helping anyway.
jerk.



Mom,
u work too hard.
id label u as a workaholic.
i wish u didnt work so hard.
its not good for ur health.
ur not that young anymore mom.
u may look that way,
but ppl ur age shouldnt be working this hard.
its like a 9 to 9/10 job...
thats not healthy.or
i wish i didnt get that trait from u as much.
i work too much.
and i REALIZE how it hurts my life..
how come u dont?
ur making money for us yeah. i know
ur paying for the house, the cars .. the food.. the extras.
thanks.
but cant u ask dad for help?
or my brothers to maybe help? they work too...
i wish i didnt have to schedule myself into ur day . 4-5 days ahead.
i dont like it wen.. u say something and forget it... but i do and u totally change it on me as if i did something wrong.
or.. wen u lie... or ur late...
u usually say '30 min...' i already know its PLUS an hour.
sometimes i want to kill myself.
because i cant help thinking she has to work this hard for me..
because of my... medical bill.
my vision. dentist.. doctor..
she wouldnt have to worry about me anymore.
i wouldnt bother her in the middle of the day to ask to be picked up...
i wouldnt make her angry anymore.
i wouldnt worry her
she wouldnt need to worry about my college payment, + etc.
she wouldnt have to worry about driving around anywhere anymore.
i wouldnt take up her work time.
...
sometimes these thoughts run thru my head.
and it seems better in that world.
especially for ron.




Nextperson,
im sorry.
that i cant love u as much as u want me to.
i know i shouldnt take it the wrong way...
but u got 4 other girls chasing after u,
they're probably prettier than me..
or more smart.. or more 'older looking'
or better than me ....
just better than me in general.

u say u want me to get over u.
then y the fck do u kiss me.

maybe they can love u more than me.
... i find that impossible.
but love wont work right if u dont love me that much...

maybe ur happier with them.
i guess ill be fine.
here on the side... number 2.3.4.5.6....7 on ur list.
at least u feel wanted.
i dont.

im afraid wen u leave,
ill fall in love.
and wen u come back,
i wont love u anymore.

i guess u can say im scared of not loving u anymore.
because ive loved u for so long,
im used to it.
no matter wat.
and it hurts wen i know u ...love someone else.
because i dont.

u want me to move on,
but y do u give me those looks.

i want u to know how much i love u.
but i have no idea how.
WAKE UP!!!!.
iloveyou.


if u have to choose.
than u dont really love me as much as i love you.
because if i were in that situation,
id choose u.
always.
ur my number one.
and u cant change it.
ive tried.
....
it doesnt work.
and i dont want to try again,
because.
it feels as if im betraying u
as if im hurting u if i like another boy.

I was looking forward to Fanime uknow?
thanks,
..for letting me down.

i was looking forward to alot of things.
but other things always tend to happen.
..
u owe me alot tho.
u owe me ur promises.
i hope one day ull either remember [if u dont] or... fulfill them.

its funny,
wen im with u. my hands arent cold, they're warm [90% of the time, haha]
wen u said my lips were cold...
i just needed u to warm them [bwaha]
wen u unexpectedly hugged me, i forgot where we were for a split second
i liked it wen u held me on the piano bench. i felt wanted. even for that amount of time.
u were there for me. just... me.

maybe someday ull see.
maybe ull understand someday.
wat ive been going thru,
because iloveyou.


hoping ull choose me is wat keeps me here right now,
theres a fine line b/t me caring and me not right now.
save me superman.