if you really loved me

today i was looking through the file cabinets...
u know, those ones that i keep all our memories in
the ones where i keep my thoughts of you
and i realized.. theres been a lack this last year.
do u still love me like u say u do?
or am i just that one girl.
whos a friend.
because,
if i am.. STOP telling me u love me.
i want u to love me and all...
but it hurts..
knowing that ud say it..
and now show it.
i know u cant do all this and give me gifts or take me out..
that doesnt matter.
at least spend TIME with me.
or.. wen we ARE hanging out together.
make it like u want to be there.
if u really loved me.

or at least txt me every now and then.
to say hi.
i was reading our love notes.
u know those ones we wrote when i was with him,
but i really wanted to be with u..
and i realized... thats wen it started.
the drift.
the separation.
it was my fault.
but that was wen u really loved me
when u wrote all those things
and we spent TIME together.
and we LOVED each other.
or at least we were in love in our eyes.

why is it different?
how come i cant say u really love me.
u know..
i love u.
i care for u SO MUCH.
.

it hurts wen i want to hang out.
u just want to leave.
it hurts to ask for a hug..
and have u say no.. and stall
or.. just dont..
just because.
it hurts looking at u,
and KNOWING.. ur not mine
and i cant just go up to u and hug u.
or kiss u.
or fall into ur arms...
it hurts wen i txt u..
and u dont txt back
it hurts knowing...u have to CHOOSE..
like this is all a stupid multiple choice question.
and im just an answer u COULD choose.
it hurts having that thought it my mind..
that u agree with what she said..
'i dont want to have a bf/gf because.. what if the perfect person walks into ur life'
IM RIGHT HERE.
..
but i guess not.
not anymore..
u make me believe i am.
how can u still have my heart.
how can i still love u.
if u really loved me..
i wouldnt hurt THIS much.

if u really loved me,
u wouldnt just go for 'it'
ud relax.
because it wouldnt -love-, would it?

u know i used to be at this point.. where..
i COULDNT love anyone else.
or i couldnt be with or go after someone else.
because i only wanted YOU
i only thought i needed you
because i thought u loved me JUST as MUCH as i did.
but i was wrong.
im still suffering from it.

because of u.
i am afraid.

im scared of loving someone else,
because i might hurt them.
because i still love you.
im scared of loving someone else,
because what if u start loving me like i love u
id lose you.
im scared of loving someone else,
because u might get hurt...


but i WANT to.
so bad.
its not funny.
i WANT to get over u.
because.. u want me to.
but i CANT.
its not FAIR.

ur too... ugh
my thoughts are too intertwined with YOU...
its... as of right now impossible.


and... i dont want to hurt someone..
i dont wanna hurt whoever i might like ...
because of u..
i dont wanna make it seem like hed be a rebound..
or... someone to just use to get over u.
i dont want that.


but i want someone else.
I SAID IT.

i dont want to love you like this anymore.
ill still be here for you, i swear.
ill still care for u.
ill still wear ur dogtag.

but i dont wanna love you anymore.
i just wanna get over u.
because it makes no sense to love someone..
when they really dont love you.