i cant fit in,

the realization that i cant fit in came to me thanksgiving day.
i was lying on my bed in my room when my mom told me that we were going to my grandmas house..
i kinda got mad,
because she told me that we werent going anywhere.
and i dont like sudden change... impromptu kinda stuff,
so i acted like a passive-aggressive sufferer and decided to go along..
my grandma only lives 5-10 minutes away.
but i never liked going there,

i used to live there,
but we moved out,
its my dads side of my family,
but my mom has always treated them as if they were her own..
shes too nice sometimes,
i dont like that.
its a trait i got,
i kind of hate it

anyway,
we got there
and as usual everyone was drinking,
from my gambling aunts and uncles
to my cousins [around 18+]
to the random ppl cooking stuff..

i had to hug my aunts and uncles,
of course,
respectfully... then i went inside, because it was weird for me,
i never liked being around drunk people,
i was used to it when i was younger,
but i guess my tolerance for it changed.
its funny how you could tell whos drunk or not..
but they can act the same as they always are,

so most of my family consists of guys..
mainly around my age grp ... around meaning within 10 yrs.
so theres a bunch of mid 20 guys drinking with my only girl cousin.. around that age.
then i walk in and see 3-4 little boys running around the house..
and i see my niece [who graduated frm MP last yr] but she was reading so i didnt want to bother her.
then.. those girls who jus came from the PI this summer.
they barley speak english...

before i step into the kitchen i can hear my mom talking about me..
saying how i didnt wanna be there an sht like that
and i thot to myself..WHAT..THE..FCK..
-.- thanks mom,
im now known as... that girl who didnt wanna be here...
i knew i didnt, but i didnt want everyone else to know,
..i walked in and got some food
because if ur filipino and ur at a party.
or if ur at a filipino party,
you gotta eat.
and my mom promised me we'd only be there for a little bit anyway,
as long as i eat...

i was eating and my mom comes down the hall from my grandmas room and was all
' did u say hi to ur grandma yet?'
i thot to myself 'NO. retard.. im sitting here eating..'
i didnt say anything.
but i had a glaring look on my face.
showing her..
how annoyed i was,

there she went talking to the 'family' there
and there i was.. sitting and eating pancit...
i didnt want to talk to anyone because,
wtf would i talk to anyone about.

i finished eating and ron passed by with one of my cousins,
they were gonna play call of duty.
congrats ron, u found a place for urself in this family,
i have yet to know mine....

after throwing away the plate i went to my grandmas room
my grandpa was there..
i hugged the other ppl in the room making my way to grandma 'hi inang' i smiled.
i faced my grandpa and tried hugging him 'hi tatang!'..
he didnt hug back like he always had...
or didnt even say hi back.
.. didnt even look at me.
he just kept eating..
[a brief history, my grandpa fell of the roof one day last month.
was rushed to the hospital
put in intensive care.
his ribs/spinal cord were raptured
they said he wasnt going to make it
made it past hospital to care home
kept saying he was going to die
because delusional for the care of his crops in the backyard
grandma suffered from slight depression and sleep loss,
he was allowed to go home
grandma took him home
they dont share a bed anymore,
at least he can eat
at least she can sleep.
but honestly, taking care of the sick AND old.. is hard,
if ur sick and old...]
like i said,
he just kept eating and staring at his food...
he didnt look at me at all
the other old ladies in the room kept telling him to look at me
and asking him if he remembered me.
maybe i should have visited him more,
..if i wasnt so busy..
i never really got to know him
because he never really spoke
i always said hi and hugged him tho,
that was our means of communication,
besides music.
he saw me with the uke one time and i could tell he was kind of excited.
he is HELLA good at the sax... a passion of his
besides work.
he used to smoke, i think he stopped but im not shure wen he quit.
ron knows alot from him
im jealous of the way ron can be closer to family than me..
and im older...

i thought to myself he had Alzheimer's..
i asked and they said no... it was just sometimes,
but i knew..
it probly is.
which made me extremely sad.
i dont want to get old..

i walked out and back into the kitchen and found my mom talking again to the 'family' in there.
they were talking about driving... [great.. -.-]
and how hazel [new girl frm PI] should learn how to drive,
but how she knows and how the state just tricks the students
because u have to pay for the 2nd test too.. and crap like that
but wen i walked into the room my mom was in the middle of a sentence saying
'you cant survive in the U.S. if you cant drive.' and ended with 'right Leah?'
..
YOU KNOW WHAT. FCK YOU. FCK THE WORLD AND THE US AND FCK THIS FAMILY THAT HAS NO PLACE FOR ME..
..
i quietly left the room..
i wanted to leave the house..
and run to dennis's house, which as only 2 street corners away..
but stopped myself.
because the family wouldve thought i didnt like them.
i do.
i want to fit in
but why cant i..

maybe because i really dont..
maybe i dont want to be one of those types of ppl.
drunk, gambling...

i just dont have anyone to cling to at family parties except ron.
but its different now,
he can do stuff himself
i need him more than he needs me.

i hate that.
and i hate that i cant even fit in this immediate family.
moms too busy for sht like me..
dads... dad ... obviously
and 3 brothers,
thanks...-.-

that leaves me..
and my stuffed animals,
laptop and phone.

because.. no one listens and i cant fit it anyway.
my mom passed me by.
i yanked her arm
and she knew.
she said we were going somewhere else...
so we had to leave.
ron stayed.
because my 2 older brothers were there [drinking...]
we left fairly quickly..
got in the car and went home.

it was a quiet ride home
..

i dont like how..
im an introvert like her... in parties,

i hate parties because theres no where i can fit in..
i dont drink
i dont eat much
i dont gamble
im not that big on karaoke and videogames
i dont cook at those parties
im not good with mingling in that type of setting
or with those type of ppl..

..
i enjoy small random gatherings
where theres no drinking
but we're all having fun anyway.
where
no ones left out..
and we have stuff to talk about.
and either i KNOW you,
or you're getting to know ME...

but thanks world,
for not letting me have those moments,
because i cant even fit in SRL anymore. its so different...
or..
with vlad and dennis.
its totally different,
i dont even talk to vlad anymore.
and dennis....=/
or..
at school,
yea shure i hang out with alot of people
and i know hella ppl...
but i dont exactly...have fun all the time there..
i just sit.
but everyone else HAS their thing
or their 'best friend'
i guess not me...

thats y i dont like going there alot.
because theres nothing to do there
its boring,
theres cliques inside or clique which is STUPID.
im kind of in b/t all of them.
because i dont fit in

thats y i keep myself busy..
and walk around
or play piano... during breaks.
i fit in that way.

...
in FYC.
last tuesday i realized..
without.. jovey or tiffany.
im a loner..
and i cant fit it.

its kinda sad,
i can talk to all of them as a group
[as in.. leading activities night]
but ... no one seems to care about me after that.
no one listens to me, or even bothers to talk to me.
im just there

and its kinda awkward for me
because at break everyone has someone to talk to
except me

and after,
sht man... jam session away.
you guys too, just dance ur butts off..

while i lie on this couch and.....
think.
and txt ppl that i want to kill myself.


because in all honesty
thats how it feels like
to be left out.
to feel as if u cant fit in.


im different.
...

why,