havent blogged in a while..

so ill blog right now.
o.o

=/

ok.
so im gonna rant about wats on my mind.

number1.

multi.
[kasama]

im kinda stressing out here.
its in.... around 20 days o.o u know that.
AND I HAVENT EVEN FINISHED THE DAMN ROUTINE YET.
.... 'we' havent at least...

i dont like how for the first 2 weeks of practice its only been 3 officers.
we have 8 dammit.
...
i dont like how wenever i have dam officer meetings.
no one cares.
and i worked SO hard...
and they dont fcking give a dam.
i have a life too..

i chose them because i thought they were reliable.
apparently not really. ... maybe 2 or 3...
but geez....


i wish multi was cancelled.
id be happy.
i would be relieved.
i would have free afternoons to worry about other things.
like college auditions...
and band concert...
and school.
and family.
and FRIENDS. x.x
and life...


i love how people come to practice tho.
its wonderful,
at least thats not the problem.
i love how i can trust those people with things.
and i love how some ppl help out more than the officers.
because it actually feels like im accomplishing something because they want it too... not jus for me.

yes, ranting about how i feel officers arent doing a good job.
im a pretty bad president too..
.... D=
and it kills me knowing that.


but really,
would they do the minutes???
would they lead meetings?
would they email leaders of other companies?
would they think of fundraisers?
would they go to kasama practice everyday?
would they be able to control this club + school + have a life?
would they be able to think of everything that goes on in this club?
would they think of this club as much as i do?


im looking forward to battle season.
....

because maybe ill feel more in control.
and maybe they'll all be as interested in this as much as i have been the whole yr.

i feel like starting workshops after multi ends...
lets see how it turns out.
im giving it 2-3 weeks...
and if it doesnt have alota participants... then i quit.
its probably gonna be on thursdays tho.
or... tuesdays again.
watever.


im just really pissed and stressed.



stressed because.
not only multi for kasama,
but multi for choir.
..

and then COLLEGE AUDITIONS.

UOP feb 13
then THE DAM DAY AFTER MULTI
SFSU AND CSU EastBay

thats not fair.

then worry about Berklee audition
-dream school-
if that fail, it all goes downhill...
id be devastated =[


then after that band concert in the early weeks of march.
and THATS wen core starts for FYC battle planning..
.
then
the music man play thing.

i really...
=[ dont want to deal with this.

i was thinking..
if i tell jenson... if they really need a pianist...
ill pay for it x.x cuz im going to die if i have to learn all of that ...

but then i dont want to let him down..

x.x but then i hafta think about myself... and my torture.

but i really have no excuse cuz i got this in november.

but i havent had any time to practice

but really... i did.

but i dont really like learning stuff like this.

but i 'agreed' to do it a long time ago.

but im not even going to be avaliable to practice with them

but *shoots self*

i needa tell jenson =[


and after all this randomness is all said and done.
add more;
college stuff - finished fafsa, mail in college transcripts, auditions, anxiety
school - blah + calc.
family - crap.
work - ?
friends -... hah wat friends, right now all i got is.. SRL, eric and jovey. [+occasional adrian/chris and them] AND kuya jeff / [FYC.... sorta]
love - im fcking confused and in pain.





to elaborate.

boy 1 vs boy 2 vs singleness-ness

im in love with one. and i probably just think the other is cute. both.... ex's and i feel its blah to be back blahing with them and blah. because maybe its just in my head where i feel that i need to 'love' someone. ... honestly i dont NEED to, i probably shouldnt... because of all my other stress... but it can possibly go another way too right? they could help me ... *sigh. but im super confused. the one i like more... is... really ignoring me. but i get it.. i get the picture.. ur not into me ok? but cant you just give me a dam hug? .. and answer my txt.. or calls... or call back... or make an effort. i feel used because ive done SO MUCH for you and.. not wen i need u. you do NOTHING. how is this supposed to make me feel. then theres the other... our break up really.. was stupid. it was cuz of the phone bill. but i guess its ok... cuz were still sorta friends. but i sorta recently hung out/talked with him for a while and it was nice. i miss him. but i miss the other guy more. its awkward. then theres this thing about staying single. it makes more sense... but i get lonely. especially wen... SRL cant hang out.. and im bored with life... and family doesnt really seem to care anymore... and im done with 'everything i need to do'... and i cant call the same people all the time to bother them... because itd seem annoying... like.. y cant i find someone else to talk to and stuff, if that all makes any sense at all.
anyways.
x.x i want a relationship. but i dont wanna seem desperate [even tho it seems as tho i am... i could be D=]
or... i want to feel more loved at least.
my family isnt working out for me.
and my teddy bear can only be so much...



oh yea,

i gave up on you.
dogtag.

i dont need you to be strong anymore.
but i really miss being able to hang out with you.

its kinda sad knowing that i gave you everything within the last 6 months,
money, ....x.x
the watch,
your birthday present [spa treatment o.o].
a job,
my heart,
my trust,
clothing,
food,
care,
relief,
little things to make you smile,
my body..
friendship,
LOVE.

and recently... all youve given me was..
this dogtag.
hugs.
sleepless nights
hellos and goodbyes
tears
depression
hope to... lost hope,
broken promises
unanswered txts and calls...
and a broken heart.


correct me if im wrong.
but... thats a very unfair exchange.
if you dont love me anymore...
fine.
ill be ok with that...
but can you please at least... care.
thats the least you can do..


i would ask for more.. like.
time...

but it doesnt seem like you want to give that to me...
its not like its money... or some fancy piece of jewelry.. or clothes...

just care for me like a friend would.
talk to me...





all this is getting to my head.
and stressing me out. and it shouldnt.




wow wat a random rant/ burst of things.

i promise next blog will be more organized
and less repetitive.