i hate...

not being listened to.

ive constantly encountered this and maybe before i jus let it go by,
but.. nowadays, its as if.. im only listened to half the time,
or less..

no one really seems to care or want to..

id CLEARLY be talking to someone...
and theyd go off in the middle of my thing and start talking about random other stuff totally unrelated.

even from the people i would expect to listen to me..
like my mom...
or
my best friends,

i mean, how can you be SO busy, as to... not even want to listen to your own daughter...
or, dare to even pretend ur listening..
to later on argue on a topic... that u didnt listen to..
and blame it on me
and go off about how i should respect you.

yea, .. ur my mom,
but because of a lack of a dad..
i expect more.
and i WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME..

i think i got it from u..
EVERYTHING.
the shortness
the ever present smile..
even wen ur day is SHIT,
because u wanna look young right?
u fake to the world that ur happy...
to please the world,
being busy.
repeating everything you say. too much
always 'working' always 'out'
dont have time for family
on the phone
being busy.
-.-

and IM glad.
i didnt get
not listening frm u.


of course i block ppl out occasionally.
and sometimes i really did hear it.

but YOU.
you dont give a shit
you dont take 2 minutes to listen to wat i have to say.
u just wanna talk
YOU jus wanna 'lecture' me on wat i do 'wrong'
YOU jus want 'the best' for me.

HOW can u expect me to
listen to you
if u dont give a dam about me.

i dont understand.
not anymore.
i dont understand alot of things anymore,
somethings wrong with me..

ive been forgetting,
forgetting alot..

and i have no explanation for it.

but thinking about it now,
maybe its because i have all these things on my mind,
all the time
that.
im forced to push out everything else..
that were important to me.

like wat happened at the 8th grade dance..
or
how to spell x.x

i just... dont know wat happened over the course of the summer...

.

my realization of the world turning away frm me
and my realization that... i really am on my own sometimes,
and ill have to deal with it,

because my FRIENDS dont even care to listen,
i was talking to you..
u didnt even know or care about wat i was saying didnt u

i was explaining to u wat u missed,
but i guess u didnt care,

or.

i was trying to explain my point,
but you guys dont even give a dam about wat im passionate about
or
about wat i want

u guys say u want us to stay friends and be able to hang all the time
but ur not really thinking wen u say that.
or wen u say all this crap about flipinos and FYC.. and me being busy
u say u guys are joking...and that if i really had flaws like they say i wouldnt be their friends...
u say all that,
i hear it,
i listen.

but i dont understand.
...
why you guys dont accept wat i am,
u tell me not to change.
i try not to change FOR YOU.
just for you.
because im HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
i CANT get out of this, im stuck.

i cant say i dont like it,
but....
its... tough for me sometimes,
wen i get hurt,
even if u dont know it,
i get hurt..... for things you do..

u know,
the little things,
that u do...

like not listening,

you dont hear me...
no one even seems to hear me.
i speak up..

i talk louder.

u told me to,
so i am
i will
and its worked.

but i speak up with you guys,

u just put me down.

i dont understand..
..
its not supposed to be like that. is it?
can if its supposed to be... it doesnt make sense,


i want ppl to hear me...
i speak up
i hate it wen they cant hear me even wen i speak as loud as i can..

i makes me feel.. even worse,
because i HAVE a problem with my vision,
i dont wanna be shut out of the world of sound either.

i want to be normal..
normal as everyone else..

but no one can hear me...

thats y i wanna get away.
at least ppl can hear me play music
..
they can hear me play piano.
or sing,.


but if i fail at that too..
if i SUCK at that...
if i mess up with that.


wats the point for anyone to hear me..
..

i hate it...