driving... and vision.

about 2 years ago.
i had my eye doctors appt.
where,

they discussed driving with me and my mom.

this changed my way of looking at things,
besides the other appt i had a very long time ago...
when they said that,
i was going to be blind by...18.

{[but by the time i hit 15,
i didnt believe it anymore,
because... its not getting that bad.
but i havent had a check up in a while
and its kinda getting a bit harder to see..
it worries me.

but we have no more insurance.
so it scares me even more.
ive been asking my mom about getting an appt.
she says yea. ill do it...

but shes never gotten back to me until like last week/this week..
saying that, we have no insurance for my specialist...
so we have to wait until we can get an appt w/ some other doctor.


WTF is this!?!??!
cant u tell that my vision is important to me.
its how i fckin see.

its how i navigate frm day to day.

i really just want to see wats up w/ my eyes.
the floaters have been getting worse and...
i dont like it...


honestly,
this is one of the most sensitive topics u could ever talk to me about.
im not freakin blind.
ok
dont say ' are u blind? '
it bothers me.
because im really close to 18..
and im really afraid of wat might happen.
..
i just cant see like you can.
i just dont have 'normal' vision.
..
but no

i cant say that,
i cant say that to ppl who ask,
because i have to be nice and open minded about it..
right?
i just smile and laugh about it..
and say no...
or kinda..
or watever i freakin make up

because if i start,
ill just blow up again

like at school.
2x last yr.
i havent blown up like that in a while.
first in ericcson then in currans.
stupid.
self.

my choice to act that way.
i WANT ppl to understand,
but i dont wanna go around telling ppl my whole story.

so ima write this,
itll get it out of me somewhat...

i hate it..
'are u blind or something?'
'why are ur glasses so thick, are u blind?'
'wats wrong w/ ur eyes, y are ur glasses so big?'
'woah, you have two lenses, how bad is ur eyesight?'
'deng, wats ur prescription?'
'how blind are u?'

SHUT UP ALREADY.

i want them to shut up.

but they cant.
its inevitable...
i meet new ppl just about everyday.
and they dont know me.

so i have to deal with it.
...
it hurts to deal with it,

i wish i didnt have to live thru this.
and i wish there was a cure.

wen i was young i remember all these tests,
and all these eye examinations,
i was so used to all of that,
and used to eye doctors
and eye drops
and those number and letter tests,
dilations.. .etc,

i havent got one since freshman yr now....
i think its been too long.

by 8th grade/ freshman yr...
i guess i was finally -old enough- to know wats up w/ my eyes,
or i guess they finally knew...
i have to 'diseases' ..
'cystoid macular edema'
and
'rod cone dystrophy'.

ive told these terms to a physician before
and u know wat he said?
'wow those are some big words there...'
-.- jerk.

anyways.
ill write about those in a different blog,
if i remember.

but,
they had a couple cures for cystoid macular edema...
we took one,

shots..
in my eyes.

cystoid macular edema..
'cystoid' -a cystoid formation [cyst; a membranous sac or cavity of abnormal character containing fluid]
'macular' -basically, 'spot'
'edema' - a condition characterized by an excess of watery fluid collecting in cavaties or tissues of the body...

but u can basically put it as...
'swelling in the middle of my eyes'
...*sigh.
both of em.

blahblahblah.

the shots didnt work.
they said it stopped [ the swelling ... because at the time it was getting worse ] but needed to check up on me later on to see for shure.... havent gone back yet...

man,
ok... iforgot where i was going here,
lets move on ...]]


we were discussing driving...

and the doctor lady basically said;
ur almost of driving age,
we're going to need to talk about driving... and ur condition.

she said,
you, leah... are a special girl. a very special girl..
..
she said that alot.

and looking back on it makes me cry,
cuz right now,
if i translate that.
it means,

i feel so sorry for u,
because ur not like everyone else,
ur different,
and in this case its different for the worse,

...
continuing on,

she said
'you are on the borderline,
or being legally blind..'

and if u dont know wat that means is..
' you are on the borderline of have ur freedom. '
because being -legally blind- means...
ur not allowed to drive.

imagine taking all this in,
i was ...wat? 13?...

now i see,
how much it impacts me,

NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE?
... not allowed to...
meaning,

i had the choice,
to not ever touch the steering wheel of a car...
in my possession,
to not ever drive.

but technically...
its my moms choice..
isnt it?

because after that she said,
you and your mom will have to talk about this,
because of your condition,
your insurance will go thru the roof,
and..
you'll need to go to a special school for learning how to drive.
and you will not at all be permitted to drive and night..
and she went thru this story about running over a kid.
and how she doesnt want that for me and BLAH>.....



no...
i cant be like everyone else,
when their parents help them,
or they do the online thing,
or they go to a normal school...

no,
i cant be like that,
i have to be FCKIN special.

its not fair.

ever since then..
my mom refuses for me to drive.
or teach me..
and wen ppl ask

i hate it wen ppl ask.
especially wen im w/ my mom.
'oh how old are u?,
wow, 16!..
are u driving yet?'

...i answer no...
because i cant...

u know how much it hurts to see all my friends drive
and hear all my friends talking about driving school
and 'i drove...blahblah'
and 'oh yea, im doing the online thing'
and... are u driving there?
....

and know...
i cant have that.

and i hear ppl say
'oh i dont want to drive...blah'
at least ud be able to if u wanted.
y not just take it...

and wats worse is...

i am a VERY busy person,
and i am out ALOT.
so...
i have to...
call my mom x.x
everytime i need a fckin ride.

im tired of it.

because u know wat she says?
'not now, im w/ a client'
'hold on.*Hangsup*'
'wait.. call you back alter'
'im driving, you wait'
'ok, give me 30 min' [shows up an hour and a half later..]
'call _____'...
theres alot more.

im busy .
cuz shes busy.

it runs in the family,
im busy cuz no ones home.
no ones home cuz they're all 'out'...

stupid,

hate it.

i want to be independent,
but i cant.
i cant have the freedom ppl have now.

i dont even know if i can at 18.

whos knows. right?

im tired of it,
tired of asking for rides,

tired of calling my mom to drive me some place

tired of being restricted like this..

tired of ppl asking about my fckin vision,

tired of it getting in the way of how i live my life.

tired of it,

its not fair.

yea,
it makes me stronger.
but its pulling me down.
and right now its keeping me down,

ive been trying to get my mom to teach me how to drive for ever.
and wen rons asks.

he can..


ITS NOT FAIR THAT HE CAN.
he can do any fckin thing he wants to.

...he can,

and i cant..

jus like he could go on the 5th grade science camp thing
but i couldnt because of my eye sight.

he can go out with his friends in the 6th grade and come home late..
and i couldnt.. cuz i couldnt see well in the dark

and shure,
he can go w/ his friends alone to wherever..
but i couldnt because i always had to bring him.
..

ugh,
not about ron.

about not being able to drive,

because of my vision.

i know ppl younger than me that can drive.

...as unfair as hell.

i can live w/ it.

ive been living w/ it so far.


how far is it gonna get me?
...
wat about college mom?
maybe thats y i wanna go to boston,
you dont wanna drive in boston..
u just take the subway or taxi or watever,
to get where u want.
maybe thats y i like the city so much,
u can walk where ever u want to go..
..
thats y i wanna get away so bad..

dont u think so?
thats pretty legit.

u know wats worse,

no ones ever bothered to teach me how to ride a bike growing up...
so i cant even ride a bike..

because they were so scared i would break MY FCKIN GLASSES.

but they got ron a bike.... so they 'had' to get me one..[long time ago...]
too bad he doesnt use it..
or know how either,

....
blah.

so driving..
its THAT important to me...

and its THAT impossible for me...

..

yea, i know,


lifes not fair......



btw,
my mom kinda got back to me about the appt...

but she said they didnt have anything available until sept. or something....
thats pretty...
LAME.
-.-
if uve been calling since ive asked u to... u know,
in APRIL..

maybe,
uknow, something wouldve shown up in the summertime.

-.-
liar.
*cries more.


to continue it,

i asked my older brother to teach me how to drive.

and the other one said 'are you shure...? wat about ur eyes?
how far can you see? really?...'

yea manong,

like that helps......



i just said...
'yea,
im shure...
i can see...'


and tears started rolling down my cheeks...but i didnt show it,
i pretended i was scratching my eyes,

because i didnt want them to see i was crying...
and i still am...
since .... an hour ago o.o
seriously?

dam....


well thats my story o.o

about,

driving....

and,

my
lame
vision
'condition'..

i guess....

i would write a book if i had a more vivid memory of things,
buuuuut i dont,
i hope it made u cry tho.

tears are still rolling down my cheek.. =[